Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

[QldMouse]

I’ve been reading these most amazing posts, from people who sound so nice and are suffering so much. Sadly I can relate so much to so many
people. With apprehension can I share some of my story in the hope of getting a reality check and possible advice.

Like so many I had a sad childhood which then turned to fear, shame, loneliness and depression in teenage and young adult years. A partner was found for me, I lacked the courage to ask her out. A short burst of happiness followed with the birth of a truly wonderful daughter who gives me the reason to carry on each day.

Sadly my wife comes with her own inventory of baggage and has suffered depression most of her life. Over our 20+ year marriage
I’ve tried to remain supportive but have done a pretty crap job, and after hitting a low point I started getting therapy. I’m told I’ve made
a lot of progress but I don’t feel it myself.

I’m exhausted, I feel so lost, trapped and alone. I have no friends, no life, and nothing but fear. I’m over the hill, accelerating down the other side with only a few years to go. My wife has sought help in the past but without success, and will not consider counseling or any form of assistance. She remains medicated, but it had an adverse reaction on me. I feel so bad for her and shame that I’m such a rubbish husband.

The therapist I’ve been seeing thinks I should leave and pursue my own path to happiness, but I think she underestimates how much that terrifies me. The fear of being even lonelier than I am now and losing my daughter, the one person that keeps me going, I just can’t cope with that. I still love my wife but our relationship has been poor for a couple of decades. We don’t talk honestly, and she is a bit harsh on me at times. I’m not saying I don’t deserve it, and I understand I’m overly sensitive.

My therapist says that I have qualities that women are looking for, but I am very skeptical. I am paying her to make me feel better
after all. She also underestimates how truly bad I am around women. I have suffered social anxiety since I was young, panic attacks and a morbid fear of women. I literally cannot talk to a woman I like, it is hard enough for me to breath in her presence. I dread to think what they must think of me, my deep breathing is not rudeness it’s an inability to obtain oxygen. Pretty poor prospects really.

I’m lost, can I help my wife? Can I help me? Can I help us or is it really too late? How do you tell?

Thanks for reading, be well everyone.

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary, you found the thread!!

It seems to have bounced about, I lost it but now it is found. . Maybe I'll come back to how my days have been, a bit like this thread ... bouncing, lost, found, lost again, confused as ... aaaggghhhhhh.

I'm ok with the Bard, happy with the high road and heights, really like to avoid any road well traveled. I am very much a rat-runner hehe.

Hmmm, the lady of the couch and I only recently ripped off the resentment scab. ( I feel like Arthur with the lady of the lake!). Still exploring, very uncomfortable, bleeding a bit.

I have met Shatner and he did did seem like his character, where I have met a few other actors and they are nothing like their characters. eg. Michael Shanks who played Daniel Jackson on the Stargate series. I was lucky enough to hear his actor wife Lexa Doig discuss him first (and she was hilarious) then to hear from him directly, and find out how cosmically far from his character the reality is.

Hmmm, kind of how far from the character people seem to think I am and the sad reality. Maybe we are all actors in our own reality shows, darn ... i just hate reality TV.

Don't tell me you are another "pleaser"? You are sounding like one, I know I just like to do what people ask and make them happy. I also try to do what my couch asks and says, I want so much to be a good boy. Does yours brighten up when he/she finds resistance? Is it a challenge for them to dig through it? The look of joy when we discovered resentment ...

I'm sorry about your pain from those wounds, I can only imagine how it felt. That is sad and disappointing.

I am impressed that you were giving a reading, that means they have significant respect for you and your faith. That is clearly something you cherish and rightly so.

I'm not laughing, in fact I feel inspired. your experience sounds wonderful and so uplifting. I have a few tears, and you know how I feel about that. Your experience and obvious joy is just fantastic, I'm so pleased for you.

No words needed.

[White_Rose]

Hello Mouse

Yes, all the threads over 100 posts have been moved to this new section. Apparently we have gone off the subject, no one wants to read long posts and we are just having a chat. So you are unlikely to get any posts from people other than me on this thread. Sorry about that. You can always close this thread and start again, although I see you have another thread going anyway.

If you would like to get back into the mainstream forums that's OK with me. I have enjoyed talking with you but I realise there are many folk out there who can help you better than me. You just need to start another post.

Look after yourself Mouse.

Mary

[White_Rose]

Mouse

I was the writers circle I attend, supposedly monthly but it depends on my mood. They are writing a book about people with mental health problems and what those problems are. What happens in hospital, after hospital, living with your illness etc.

Anyway we were talking about the sensitive gene and one of the members gave me the reference. Look it up on your search engine. The Dandelion and the Orchid. It appears we are orchids. Quite an interesting article, well the on I read was, but there are several.

mary

[QldMouse]

Hello again lovely Mary,

Imagine my joy to find two posts in this far flung backwater of the BB Forum!!

Makes sense about the thread move, I see threads with a lot of posts and don't feel like I should intrude. I feel like a rank amateur, babe in the woods.

Please don't apologise, you don't understand how much this connection has meant to me. It is hard to describe, and I'm still finding it strange to have a positive, supportive, fun conversation with a lady. Yes, couch says it proves I can do it, but it is still the safety of the internet(!) Kind of weird to say that about the internet, it is usually the reverse.

If you don't mind the odd post (those would be my very odd posts) then I would really appreciate it.

Yes, I had/have a pressing issue with frustration and typed out a thread to see if I could get some magic insight or cure. The uncomfy chair dude made a troubling observation I'm scared he's right about, just before he pissed us all off and ended that relationship. Dam him, he may be right and sure hit a nerve. I feel like a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs right now. Ouch that hurt.

Anyway, Thank you for the posts. I will go check the flower book petal!!

In the meantime very very well, and very happy please.

[White_Rose]

Hello Mouse

I hope I have not put the cat amongst the mice with my posts. It is lovely to hear from you as it usually is.

The uncomfy chair dude made a troubling observation I'm scared he's right about, just before he pissed us all off and ended that relationship. Are you seeing a male couch? Or is it a typo? Not sure what you mean by the sentence but this may be because I am not understanding much at the moment.

Dear Mouse, I have received some extremely difficult news which has knocked me sideways. Before your imagination runs away with you let me say it's not health related and no one has died. It has turned out to be bigger than Ben Hur (both versions). I cannot think straight and have a lot to absorb. I have been offered a great deal of support which I am gratefully accepting but I suspect I will not be able to write much or often for a short while. At least I hope it's a short while.

I will try and drop in now and then and read any messages you have hopefully written. I will also try and reply, but only to you as I think other posts will be too difficult. True to character, you are easy to talk to and if it's OK, I will write as often as I can.

Have I made it all seem mysterious? I hope so.😊 Seriously though, it is serious and at the moment all I want to do is sleep or cry or both. I suppose I will need to discuss it with the couch. That's a conversation I'm not looking forward to. Perhaps my GP will write to her first.

I look forward to hearing some good reports from you plus all the gossip.

With love

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hello Marvelous Mary,

I am so sorry and sad to hear you had difficult news, but I have such a lot of faith in you and yes you may be a lovely Orchid (I always liked Orchids anyway) but I suspect there are strong Dandelion tendencies in disguise, perhaps even a lioness. Hmmm, looking over my shoulder for the whole cat family now.

I am glad to hear your support network is rallying, and completely understand the need for time and space. I wish you well on your journey, and will be thinking fondly of you, wishing you support from afar. I have not experienced the new one, but Ben Hur is as big as it gets. Biblical scale even. There wasn't anything mysterious about Charlton Heston's chest from memory, mystery is it?

One thing I do a lot of professionally is solve problems, and my basic approach is to chunk challenges into logical or illogical blocks. Some times you have to be illogical, even if only to freak people out and tip them out of there comfort zone. You eat the elephant one bite at a time, preferably with a nice sauce. Pity I am hopeless at applying all that to my private life. Many psyhco's have commented.

Oh I seriously understand not thinking straight, through the fog created when the black dog farts in your face eh? Nasty bugger has been doing it to me a bit lately. What on earth are we feeding it? Which brings me to say sorry about that badly written rushed and confused sentence. Darn emotions so mess with your typing don't they?

The male psycho is the couples councilor, and while he prompted some good results, his rudeness has ended that avenue of help and progress. This is the second time we have been through this as a couple, and at least it brings us together in a common dislike for someone. I'm in a bit of a shock about him, and some very personal comments he made at me. A rude a....... he may have been, but he did make some disturbingly comments that ring true.

I wonder if your psychic or just have incredible timing, because one of the troublesome comments resonates with Dandelions and Orchids and that whole gene discussion, the childhood studies are very thought provoking. It has my head spinning. I also found a series called "Emotional Self-defense for Sensitive People" while on that journey today. You may find it helpful, I hope so.

All the very best for the next time until our browsers cross.

I have faith in you and will post more when I work myself out.

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

My thoughts are with you lovely lady, I hope you are being gentle with yourself and your journey is bringing you back towards a happy place. My best wishes to you and you support network.

Sometimes you just have to go on the journey. I hope you are not finding yourself on a marathon.

All the best.

[White_Rose]

Dear Mouse

Thank you for thinking of me and caring. I am feeling better in general but had a bit of a setback today. A visit to the physio took care of some pain. I have an appointment with my GP in the morning and I feel I need to talk to someone soon. Unfortunately I can only speak to a couple of people as I have been asked not talk about the problem. Perhaps it's the effort of keeping my lips together instead of chatting that I am finding difficult. Whatever the reason I ache all over and I am certain it's tension.

I am looking forward to the visit to the doc tomorrow and as I write that I am wondering why I am saying this. It's OK when you feel ill to run off to the doctor but in this case I want some comfort. Oh dear, I've been doing the usual stuff of keeping busy but today I had nothing specific to do. So I took my car to get a quote on repair. I scraped the front bumper on both corners. This was because I parked in a hospital car park with cramped access to the ramps and narrow ramps. Don't try St Andrews hospital. Did it twice and have not done anything about it. Too scared of the cost but now I have actually got a quote I wonder why I haven't had the car fixed earlier. Shiny new panels soon.

Next to pick up a couple of library books I had reserved. One of them is your recommendation, The Gifts of Imperfection. I saw it on line from one of the book shops I patronise and was tempted to buy it but reasoned I could get it for free from the library and buy it if I found it useful. This is where my ex comes in useful, admonishing me from the sidelines. I hope you don't need to ask Mr Google what the word means.😊

Then I went shopping and bought lots of biscuits which I can nibble on because I just cannot eat at the moment. Got a last minute appointment for physio. Not sure if was a good idea. My leg muscle had got so tight that when the physio put a needle into it I screamed and grabbed his arm. Oh boy did that hurt. He very kindly offered me a box of tissues. However, several hours later the original pain has gone. Sounds a bit like counselling I think. It's hurts to revisit the crappy stuff but it does lead to a more comfortable life. How's that for homespun philosophy?

After I have visited the doctor I am going to one of my volunteer places to complete some admin work. At least I hope I will complete the work. Timeline getting a bit tight and I keep finding bits that have been left in the past and need some action.

Lovely to chat.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

So great to hear from you, my you are in a pickle when your restricted in who you can talk to. I think your onto something about the pressure, it does seam that any time the body can't let stuff out, be it thoughts and questions of stomach gas, and it is forcibly held in, the pressure builds and we start to feel unwell. At least that is the way it works for me. Yes, tension is my companion too.

Oh no, that .... car park at St Andrews I used to be very familiar with. Yes, I too have touch parked there leaving some of my paint. It was a while ago, but oh I do hear you. I have that situation with two scrapped bumpers that really upsets me each time I walk past my car. When I get the money I will get that done, it may be my Christmas present to me. Good luck, but if they are small scrapes have you considered the touch up guys? I'm told they are good and cheaper than the panel beaters, and can even come to you. They are on my list to check out.

I'm pleased you have the Gifts book, I've been thinking of rereading it myself. Its about that time again. You may be pleased to learn that Mr Google was not required for admonishing, intimately familiar with the term and its use.

Sorry to hear you have difficulty with eating, that it pretty hard. I sure understand the biscuits, sometimes you just have to do what you need to in order to keep your BGL in the range, or as close to it that works. It all goes in phases, or cycles, or whatever.

Oh ouch about the physio, yikees that sounds like torture. I've often thought those folks could get a second job in a torture dungeon without much difficulty. Hope your muscles are being kinder to you now. Yes I like the homespun philosophy, I wish I could get more of it really. It sometimes seems just as good as the professional stuff, but much cheaper and often comes with a nice beverage and scones.

Can you believe its spring? I love Brisbane winters and feel robbed this year, what winter? Twelve weeks to summer, oh my.

I actually have a trip coming up, bit of a shocker really but only for two weeks and two weeks away. I used to travel all the time but for the last decade I haven't. Struggling to come to terms with it, but looking forwards to a change and a break, but still going OMG I am leaving the country. Need to figure out hope to stop my head spinning.

Oh well, I hope you have a great Sunday, I understand what a big day it is in your week. And I hope the week smooths out and your pressure releases.

Words gone!

[White_Rose]

Dear Mouse

Words gone! Yes I often feel like that, and in particular this week. I think BB knew what it was doing in limiting the number of characters allowed in any post. There are times when I feel I could write war and peace and other times when I am struggling to write 100.

Church this morning and it was good. I feel much better. It's a bit sad that the church (organisation) has done me so much harm, and is still doing this, but individuals within the church are wonderful and really epitomise the teachings of the church.

So where are you off to? Leaving the country eh! Smacks of high drama, subterfuge and dodgy doings. 😊 I could get quite lyrical over this. Maybe my brain is starting to function again. I have difficulty travelling, or more probably difficulty leaving home. Always had a bit of panic going on holidays etc but I find it quite limiting now. I expect a full report when you return. You could write on BB in your spare time via a laptop. Can I ask what you will be doing while away?

I was hoping I only needed minor work on the car but alas no. One bumper has been scratched to the metal and my car has metallic paint. I think I scraped the same bumper (front right) several times. In future I will only see specialists away from that hospital. Well either that or learn to negotiate the ramps better.

Hoping to start the Gifts book today. My grandson is going to visit his family, especially his dad as it is Father's Day, so I have the day to myself. How is your dad's day going? Your daughter making a fuss of you I hope. A friend of mine said she was taking her husband on a shopping trip to Bunnings. I think it's very noble of her to brave this male fortress, especially today.

A friend visited me yesterday and stayed for dinner. As I knew she was coming I decided to cook a 'proper' meal. It also had be fuss free so we could talk without me running into the kitchen frequently. So I made a stew with lots of vegetables and served over mashed potato. Went down a treat with both of us. My friend enjoyed it because she never cooks things of this nature for herself, and I felt smug, and well fed. This seems to have got me eating again.

I have often commented to physios that their job description should include the words "must be a sadist".

About homespun philosophy, it is cheaper and more easily accessible, but would you incorporate it into your routine and life. I suspect not. Anything we pay for has greater credibility that the free stuff.

Mary