Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

[QldMouse]

I’ve been reading these most amazing posts, from people who sound so nice and are suffering so much. Sadly I can relate so much to so many
people. With apprehension can I share some of my story in the hope of getting a reality check and possible advice.

Like so many I had a sad childhood which then turned to fear, shame, loneliness and depression in teenage and young adult years. A partner was found for me, I lacked the courage to ask her out. A short burst of happiness followed with the birth of a truly wonderful daughter who gives me the reason to carry on each day.

Sadly my wife comes with her own inventory of baggage and has suffered depression most of her life. Over our 20+ year marriage
I’ve tried to remain supportive but have done a pretty crap job, and after hitting a low point I started getting therapy. I’m told I’ve made
a lot of progress but I don’t feel it myself.

I’m exhausted, I feel so lost, trapped and alone. I have no friends, no life, and nothing but fear. I’m over the hill, accelerating down the other side with only a few years to go. My wife has sought help in the past but without success, and will not consider counseling or any form of assistance. She remains medicated, but it had an adverse reaction on me. I feel so bad for her and shame that I’m such a rubbish husband.

The therapist I’ve been seeing thinks I should leave and pursue my own path to happiness, but I think she underestimates how much that terrifies me. The fear of being even lonelier than I am now and losing my daughter, the one person that keeps me going, I just can’t cope with that. I still love my wife but our relationship has been poor for a couple of decades. We don’t talk honestly, and she is a bit harsh on me at times. I’m not saying I don’t deserve it, and I understand I’m overly sensitive.

My therapist says that I have qualities that women are looking for, but I am very skeptical. I am paying her to make me feel better
after all. She also underestimates how truly bad I am around women. I have suffered social anxiety since I was young, panic attacks and a morbid fear of women. I literally cannot talk to a woman I like, it is hard enough for me to breath in her presence. I dread to think what they must think of me, my deep breathing is not rudeness it’s an inability to obtain oxygen. Pretty poor prospects really.

I’m lost, can I help my wife? Can I help me? Can I help us or is it really too late? How do you tell?

Thanks for reading, be well everyone.

[White_Rose]

A quick note to you Mouse. I am going to be off the forums for a short time. Everything has finally caught up with me and I am tired and dispirited. I have realised that in all this there is no real thought for me, just protecting the organisation, even if it means a lesser sentence. Maybe I am not seeing things straight, I don't know. All I know is the lack of communication and the change in process makes me want to walk away from the whole thing. I want the satisfaction of looking him in the face and I fear I will be denied even that.

Take care of yourself. I hope to come back.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Understand, take good care of yourself lovely lady.

All the best.

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

Catching up, wow I thought my roller coaster was full on. Just hoping things work out for you, please think of yourself first. You are very special.

I can sign Annie's song, I have every John Denver LP published, yes LP. I also have quite a few on those new fangled CD things ... Oh we could do karioki I think. Sure to bring down the house, or empty the house in my case.

All the best.

[Doolhof]

Hi Mouse,

Just noticed that Mary has been sharing a lot with you. I had no idea how much she had been struggling. Mary has been supporting me lately through my rough patch. It is amazing how people can reach out to each other event though they are going through such a rough time themselves.

You mentioned John Denver. I think the first LP I ever bought was One of John Denver's. I used to like the song about Grandma's Feather bed. I loved the image of all the kids and animals in the bed.

So how is the weather in your part of the country? In my section of S.A. it is amazing how green everything is still. Usually we are in a dust bowl this time of year. The weeds keep growing and need mowing fortnightly. We have 5 acres so I can't quite manage to weed all of it!

My sister said her Easter Lilies are up and flowering already. We have some really hot days then a few cooler ones. It is a real mixed bag.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi Matt,

How are you going? What is the weather like in your area? Australia is such a huge country we have a bit of something for everyone really!

Do you have any favourite music? Mouse was writing about John Denver. I moved on the Neil Young from John Denver, somewhere along the time line of music preferences.

Hope you are doing okay Matt.

Cheers from Mrs. Dools

[QldMouse]

Hi Mrs. Dools,

I know, Mary is so sweet and clearly a very special person with such a warm heart. I so hope she can get past all the pain that has been inflicted on her, it is so unfair that the sweet and sensitive seem to take an unfair share of life's nastier moments.

Sounds typical of Mary to be helping others in her time of need doesn't it. I sincerely hope her tormentor gets a jumbo dose of karma soon. How naughty of me I suppose.

I hope you are benefiting from Mary's wisdom and care? I know at times I have felt such a surge of positive energy from things she has typed, but mostly I've found the astonishment of knowing it is not just me that feels this way has been some help.

Music can lift you up and drop you down can't it, it does sound like we are all from a similar era. Yes that bed with eight hound dogs and a piggy we stole from the shed, remember that very well. I blame Mary for stating that particular trip down memory lane.

The weather has been all over the place, hot with some rain so most things are green, but it is the rainy season here so people should be prepared to get a wash.

All the best to you Mrs. Dools, and Mary if you flick past, we are all thinking of you and wishing you well.

[Doolhof]

Hi Mouse,

We don't have any dogs or pigs, just a cat, one chook and some gold fish. The cat would be okay on Grandma's bed, not so sure about the chook though.

One of my friends has a daughter who is a real animal lover and has so many I have lost count. She does actually have a house chook who thinks it is a cat! It sleeps on the bed with the 6 cats and uses the cat door to go in and out of the house. At night the dear chook wears a nappy so it does not poop on the bed!

Our chook is the last of four. I am not sure if I am going to buy her some friends or not. Sofie follows me around the garden, especially when I am weeding or raking. I was surprised how particular she is as to which bugs she will eat.

My sister and I were doing some building creativity in the garden and dug a hole to sink a piece of wood. The chook was digging all around the hole spreading the dirt everywhere looking for treasures to eat. She does the same with the hay beneath the trees and bushes. Have to teach her to scratch towards the trees not away from them!

Hope you day has been okay.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[White_Rose]

Dear Mouse

What a lovely post. Thank you very much. Just dropping in to say hello. New bombshells dropped in the past couple of days and I don't know where I am going. On Saturday I paged my psych and she phoned me, for which I am so grateful. She wants to see me in the week but no appointment time yet.

Since you are a keen John Denver fan I feel sure you will appreciate another of my favourites.

Come and Let Me Look In Your Eyes

I guess growing isn't hard to do
Just stand against the wall
Once I was just two feet high
Today I'm six feet tall
But knowing who to listen to
Is something else again
Words just whistle 'round my head
Like seasons in the wind

All across the water the clouds are sailing
They won't let me look at the sky
All I want to do is try and find myself
Come and let me look in your eyes.

In searching for the way to go
I've followed all the rules
The way they say to choose between
The wise men and the fools
I listen to the words they say
I read what I should read
I do whatever's right to do
Try to be what I should be

Someone let me in I think the sky is falling
Seems I've gotten lost on my way
All I want to do is try and find myself
Come and let me look in your eyes
Come and let me look in your eyes

But wisdom isn't underground
Nor on a mountain side
And where am I to take myself
There's no place here to hide
Where can I hide

All across the universe the stars are fading
Seems we've gotten lost on our way
All I want to do is try and find myself
Come and let me look in your eyes
Come and let me look in your eyes
Come and let me look in your eyes.

Enjoy.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

I'm sad to hear about the bomb shells, please remember to zig and zag. Do not run in straight lines, and keep a good look out lovely lady. I hope you have had or couch time or have it scheduled soon. I'm sure it is complex, but take care of your needs. You have to be true to yourself and remember some times it is ok to be selfish, some times it is absolutely necessary for survival. I hope you get past this to get to thrive.

Don't remember that song from Johnny, I'll have to look it up.

All the best Mary.

And hi Mrs Drools, yes I am very familiar with chooks and the fun you can have working in the garden with them. I was once working in a hole on some plumbing when the chooks started filling it in on me. It required several handfuls of dirt sent up the tail feathers to get the message across.

However we have bush turkeys who have an amazing capacity to relocate large piles of undergrowth and wood chips in very short periods of time. A neighbour of mine has had several battles with them, and looses repeatedly.

One turkey relocated 4 ton of wood chips over a fence into his pool one night. He was not a happy man.

Isn't nature fun?

[White_Rose]

Hello Mouse

Where do you find these quirky stories? That turkey was lucky not to be on the menu I suspect.

I am feeling very well again and ready to rejoin the human race. Had couch time this afternoon and felt good.

Did you like the song, even if you cannot remember it? There are several of his songs that help to lift me when I feel down. I told someone not long ago that I can chart my moods by the music I play. John helps to lift me up. ABBA is an all-time favourite no matter how I feel. I'm also quite keen on Bryan Adams and Aled Jones. Now there's a contrast in music.

I have stories about cats, dogs, sheep, ducks, hamsters, cows as well as turkeys. Perhaps we should collaborate on a book of pet stories. I wonder if it has been done before (smile).

Hope all is going well with both of you, Mouse and Mrs Dools.

Mary