Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

[QldMouse]

I’ve been reading these most amazing posts, from people who sound so nice and are suffering so much. Sadly I can relate so much to so many
people. With apprehension can I share some of my story in the hope of getting a reality check and possible advice.

Like so many I had a sad childhood which then turned to fear, shame, loneliness and depression in teenage and young adult years. A partner was found for me, I lacked the courage to ask her out. A short burst of happiness followed with the birth of a truly wonderful daughter who gives me the reason to carry on each day.

Sadly my wife comes with her own inventory of baggage and has suffered depression most of her life. Over our 20+ year marriage
I’ve tried to remain supportive but have done a pretty crap job, and after hitting a low point I started getting therapy. I’m told I’ve made
a lot of progress but I don’t feel it myself.

I’m exhausted, I feel so lost, trapped and alone. I have no friends, no life, and nothing but fear. I’m over the hill, accelerating down the other side with only a few years to go. My wife has sought help in the past but without success, and will not consider counseling or any form of assistance. She remains medicated, but it had an adverse reaction on me. I feel so bad for her and shame that I’m such a rubbish husband.

The therapist I’ve been seeing thinks I should leave and pursue my own path to happiness, but I think she underestimates how much that terrifies me. The fear of being even lonelier than I am now and losing my daughter, the one person that keeps me going, I just can’t cope with that. I still love my wife but our relationship has been poor for a couple of decades. We don’t talk honestly, and she is a bit harsh on me at times. I’m not saying I don’t deserve it, and I understand I’m overly sensitive.

My therapist says that I have qualities that women are looking for, but I am very skeptical. I am paying her to make me feel better
after all. She also underestimates how truly bad I am around women. I have suffered social anxiety since I was young, panic attacks and a morbid fear of women. I literally cannot talk to a woman I like, it is hard enough for me to breath in her presence. I dread to think what they must think of me, my deep breathing is not rudeness it’s an inability to obtain oxygen. Pretty poor prospects really.

I’m lost, can I help my wife? Can I help me? Can I help us or is it really too late? How do you tell?

Thanks for reading, be well everyone.

[QldMouse]

Hi Matt, pleased to meet you. Jump in, the water is nice and warm.

[White_Rose]

Dear Mouse

Thank you for your good wishes. Finally had a reply from the police last night. Another hearing but this time presenting evidence. I have been asked to appear in court. I have agreed but now I'm getting cold feet so I will stop thinking about it. 19th April. So plenty of time to brood.

Good to hear you are getting on with your life. GP now gone and now reliant on psych. Had a few words when we last met but I'm sure all will be well next time.

I managed to trip over on Tuesday. Concrete flagstones on the footpath get lifted by the tree roots. So I went down in what seemed like slow motion and I found it quite terrifying. No major damage except dented pride but I sure ached the next day. I have a great physio who helped reduce the pain. Now OK again.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

Oh well, at least you get Easter eggs to give you strength before the next instalment.

Oh you poor thing, yes falling down sucks. I did it last year, but a much better job I think. Tidying up in the garden and got my feet tied up in vines. Had my hands full, so went face first into a pebblecrete path.

Oh that slow-mo eh? Doctor asked me if I had passed out, but no I had a great view as the path smashed me in the face and my head bounced. He thought my description was above average, and confirmed that heads do bounce quite well. Still, I had a nice soft nose to land on, and shatter. But isn't that slow-mo just awesome!!! You get to have that "oh this is going to hurt" discussion with yourself and all. Just magic the brain really!!!

Ahhh life gives us such opportunity to laugh at ourselves doesn't it?

I hope your wounds heal soon, and you are feeling better. Please walk carefully over dodgy footpaths.

All the best.

[White_Rose]

Hello Mouse

What did John Denver sing, Some days are diamonds, some days are stone. Well I have been up and down like a yo-yo. I cannot even think what to write to you.He has pleaded Not Guilty. No idea where I go from here.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hello Mary,

Yes indeed that was a John Denver song, It would seem the diamonds are fewer and harder to find.

I'm sorry to hear that for your sake, but seriously you didn't expect him to admin wrongdoing did you? Those sort of people seem mentally incapable of admitting they do anything wrong. As staggering that is to the rest of us, it seems to be common. I'm not sure what its called, but I suspect there is a long unpronounceable Latin name for it.

It sounds like he is the type of person that will continue to pronounce his innocence right up to and probably well after he gets locked away.

I would say to you, go make yourself happy and forget him. He is not worth the brain cells your spending on him, I do completely understand how difficult that is, but I have my fingers crossed for you.

Wishing you all the happiness possible.

[White_Rose]

Thanks Mouse

I have always said he will plead not guilty and would have been greatly surprised at a guilty plea. Seems he wants to have his say and try to prove what he did was not very bad. Hoping for a lighter sentence. At any rate I feel sick and in tears all day. What a wonderful picture I present.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Oh poor Mary,

I feel the pain and many other feelings for you. I have been in a kind of similar situation but not quite. I hope you find the path to your happy place real soon.

It least you can laugh at me signing (badly) John Denver's Diamonds and Stone song. I just can't get it out of my head. Disturbing how much of it I remember, but it was one I clutched to through some very trying times.

Do you find you are dam sick of "trying times" over and over? I keep trying and am just so tired of the "stone" days. I could really use a diamond or two. I was just on the couch discussing this very topic, and me having more triggers than the dam Army does. She says we have to have the cycles of up and down but that as long as the mid point is always on the rise you are doing well.

Lets just say I'd like to see move upward evidence and make it diamond encrusted please.

I hope you are well placed to weather the next few days of heat wave, take very special care of yourself and hydrate. Hmm, must go grab another drink!!

Cheers!!

[White_Rose]

Hello Mouse

Still in that horrid place. Now worrying what will happen to me in the witness box. It's the opinion of many that I will be in for a rough time and should not appear. So I am confused as well as unhappy. I know this information is given because people care for me and fear that my mental health will not stand up to this. I just don't know. We shall see.

The wretched hot weather continues and I am tired of it. However I don't think the weather gods are taking much notice of this. Air con is probably racking up a fortune so I hope I am producing enough power to greatly reduce my bill. It's a bit worrying.

Scored a cancellation appointment with my lady couch this morning so must get dressed. It's not the thing to wear my night clothes into the city. Isn't this the stuff of dreams, or nightmares, being inappropriately dressed in public? Thank goodness that it will be a tad cooler today.

I have to say I really enjoy your pithy comments and word pictures. Don't stop writing them, they get me through the day. More triggers than the army. Love it. I think when we are going through a bad patch and then emerge on the other side we have achieved so much more than a casual walk in the park. At least that's what I keep telling myself and of course passing on my pearls of wisdom to you.

Stay cool.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hello marvelous Mary,

Sorry to hear that, too familiar with that state myself. By John Denver's definition I have enough stone to build a great wall, not much in the way of shiny though.

I have faith you will find the reserve to make good in court. If nothing else there is always the satisfaction of proving people wrong, that is always good fun, keeps them guessing and off guard. An evil cackle often comes in handy ... Bru haha ...

Go on, stuff him, stuff them all!! bru haha haha hehe .

be well, be evil, be happy!!

[White_Rose]

Trying hard to be evil and happy. Just been told I am not wanted in court. What a roller coaster. There are other avenues that are better suited to my part in the proceedings. Don't know that I feel better about it. Dragged out all the old hurts only to be told to wait for an unknown time and be ready to drag them out again.

Chat with the couch was good. She got so carried away we went over time, and that is unusual. Still, no complaints from me. It was one of the most useful sessions I've had.

Back to the Mater tomorrow (Friday) for another check up. I have to say they are doing a great job of monitoring me. Another three years to go.

Yes, John Denver. I also remember the words and I also listened to that and other songs of his during a bad time. Do you remember Annie's Song? This has always been a favourite of mine. I can almost track my moods by the CDs I play. Not long ago it was ABBA, also David Hobson and Teddy Tahu Rhodes singing together, especially Panis Angelicus. These are my happy songs.

As you said, bru haha haha hehe.

Mary