Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

[QldMouse]

I’ve been reading these most amazing posts, from people who sound so nice and are suffering so much. Sadly I can relate so much to so many
people. With apprehension can I share some of my story in the hope of getting a reality check and possible advice.

Like so many I had a sad childhood which then turned to fear, shame, loneliness and depression in teenage and young adult years. A partner was found for me, I lacked the courage to ask her out. A short burst of happiness followed with the birth of a truly wonderful daughter who gives me the reason to carry on each day.

Sadly my wife comes with her own inventory of baggage and has suffered depression most of her life. Over our 20+ year marriage
I’ve tried to remain supportive but have done a pretty crap job, and after hitting a low point I started getting therapy. I’m told I’ve made
a lot of progress but I don’t feel it myself.

I’m exhausted, I feel so lost, trapped and alone. I have no friends, no life, and nothing but fear. I’m over the hill, accelerating down the other side with only a few years to go. My wife has sought help in the past but without success, and will not consider counseling or any form of assistance. She remains medicated, but it had an adverse reaction on me. I feel so bad for her and shame that I’m such a rubbish husband.

The therapist I’ve been seeing thinks I should leave and pursue my own path to happiness, but I think she underestimates how much that terrifies me. The fear of being even lonelier than I am now and losing my daughter, the one person that keeps me going, I just can’t cope with that. I still love my wife but our relationship has been poor for a couple of decades. We don’t talk honestly, and she is a bit harsh on me at times. I’m not saying I don’t deserve it, and I understand I’m overly sensitive.

My therapist says that I have qualities that women are looking for, but I am very skeptical. I am paying her to make me feel better
after all. She also underestimates how truly bad I am around women. I have suffered social anxiety since I was young, panic attacks and a morbid fear of women. I literally cannot talk to a woman I like, it is hard enough for me to breath in her presence. I dread to think what they must think of me, my deep breathing is not rudeness it’s an inability to obtain oxygen. Pretty poor prospects really.

I’m lost, can I help my wife? Can I help me? Can I help us or is it really too late? How do you tell?

Thanks for reading, be well everyone.

[White_Rose]

Hello Mouse

Well you started talking Latin so what could I do but follow suit? I suspect you have read my total Latin vocabulary. Life is hectic these days. My volunteer work plus all the other crap. I am so fed up with it that I am seriously thinking of walking away. Despite huge promises, the organisation where he worked has just abandoned me. I can contact them for help but I would have thought they would be contacting me to see how I was going. Ah well, that's life.

Much dash as I have realised what time it is and I need a shower before I go out. Hopefully will write later.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Oh yeah, my short term memory has gone to crap. Sorry.

So it isn't just me who is in a constant state of panic. Are we seeing the crazy run up to Christmas early? I see tree's and decorations in the shops ... OMG. Another time of the year I'm not fond of, I'd rather hide at work.

That is sad when people (and organisations?) take sides, if they are that shallow maybe your better off on a different path? I know the feeling when people don't think of you or show care or compassion. I think that most people are not very observant, and have the EQ of a rock. Unless you take out a multimedia campaign with dancing boys and girls they will never get it or think of it.

Its only us mad sensitive types that actually notice each other, yes I must find that book.

Have a lovely day, its hump day!!

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

I hope you are doing well and your week is on the improve.

I just wanted to thank you for the book reference, I now have the "Highly Sensitive People" book and it is a page turner. Only a few pages in, and non-stop "ah-huh" moments.

Thank you lovely lady. Be well, safe and happy.

[White_Rose]

Well I'm sliding down the other side of the hump. Getting ready to see my lady couch. Must remember to tell her of your description.

Saw my GP yesterday. She strongly suggest I pull out of the court case. She believes it will seriously impair my mental health and I am not so sure she's wrong. I have no idea what to do. Part of me wants to go ahead because I am angry and feeling a bit vindictive. I think he needs to learn he cannot do these things to people, especially as he done this before. On the other hand I feel very scared at the thought of being pulled apart by the defence lawyer. Would this happen? I have no idea. Both police and lawyer think this likely.

So my life for the past few weeks has been hectic, leaving home in the early morning and returning late afternoon. It's exhausting. This week I have had a session with a lawyer, one with the dietician, and a consultation with my GP. Today I see the psych, tomorrow I talk to a police officer. Plus my volunteer jobs. Sent the lawyer bill to the organisation for payment. I bet they scream about it.

What happened to my quiet life?

I saw mince pies in the shop in September. Toy catalogues abound with frequent reminders of the number of days to Christmas. I am seriously thinking of giving everyone gift vouchers. Either that or hiding under the bed during Christmas.

I have started to write on BB again. Not many posts as yet. Time of course is one issue. The other is emotional energy. I find it runs out very quickly. Still I suppose it is like any muscle, exercise makes it stronger. And talking of exercise, my leg is getting much better due to the assiduously performed stretching exercises. I am amazed how much difference it makes. Perhaps that's why I was told to do them a while ago.

Sorry the energy has gone again. Coffee I think, then off to the city for my chat.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hello Mary,

So nice to see your words cross my humble browser again, a wee splash of sunshine on a Friday. Yes I'm in one of those strange moods, head and heart churning in counter rotating directions.

Good to hear your heading for the couch, as am I. Counting the hours but with trepidation, a lot to resolve. I very busy few weeks, dare I hope?

I feel for you with the court case, I tend to agree with your GP actually. Can you get a victim impact statement read in court instead of having to expose yourself to the low life (aka Lawyers). They do seem devoid of scruples, any form of compassion, or any of the finer human qualities. Rule number one, you need to take care of number one ... you. Rule number two, refer to rule number one.

Yes, quiet life ... I hear that, I wonder what one looks like.

Ohhh, mince pies and bar-b sauce ... yum!! Oh dear, Christmas. Can't deal with that right now, don't wish to know how close it is.

Time, energy, exercise, I'm with you on all of them. I started walking gently the last couple of days (mainly to get air) but I have to be careful of my knee. You are correct ... It is time for more coffee.

I saw a poster earlier in the week, a picture of a lemur with bulging eyes and the caption "I used Red Bull instead of water in my coffee and now I can see smells" ... It resonated with me.

I am plowing through the Highly Sensitive Book, still nodding and going ahh huh all the time. Thank you.

Have a wonderful day and enjoy the weekend.

[White_Rose]

What a lovely Mouse you are. Lady of the couch did not make any suggestions other than to talk to the police officer and wait until we met in a fortnight to decide what to do. Saw my other GP yesterday as well and she agrees with the first one. Yes I have two GPs in the same practice. It's a long story.

Glad you are enjoying Sensitive. I will take this on the train this morning when I go to have lunch with a work colleague. Well ex-colleague I suppose as I no longer work there. So the condemned person will eat a hearty lunch before the ordeal. I have so many different feelings about all this. How do I make up my mind?

Now my attention has brought to the Christmas season I have started on the present trail. Decided the adults do not need presents. Grandchildren only. Less work and far cheaper.

Just returned from my exercise class and feel that I need a nap. Had a bad night last night, kept waking, which probably the reason I am already tired. Still, must press on. Walking is good I'm told. Pity I really dislike doing it. It's much easier than an hour's workout.

Love the red bull/coffee picture. I think I could do with some of that. There is a thread on the BB Social Zone called Quotes that I like. I think you may enjoy reading some of these and adding your own. You will also see my contribution. Some I think are a bit trite, but whatever turns you on.

I hope you don't eat mince pies and BBQ sauce together. Must rush again. Nearly time to get the train and I need to change first. Will write later.

Mary

[White_Rose]

I'm baaaaccck

Well my lunch date stood me up. I went to the office next door and discovered he was off sick. Not the best of starts. I was aching all over from the exercise and walking from the station to the end of Queen St, Customs House end. Got a taxi to the police building because there was a snowball's chance I could walk that far. Police officer did not start work for another hour so I had lunch at the Pancake Manor. Long time since I was in there.

Chatted to the officer in my usual directionless manner. Told him about my doubts and fears and the upshot was he decided I was too fragile to stand up in court and be harassed by the defence. So I came home. Complete waste of a day and money spent. Officer drove me to the station. I was disappointed it was not a police car. Well it was really, just no go faster tape, but he did put the blue light on for me briefly. I was impressed.

So my day was really wasted. All I have to show for it is an aching back and the knowledge that I am too whimpish to make my complaint. Well the psych was right in one thing, I am afraid of men.

Disgusted with myself. Mary

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

I to am back, oh wow where do I start? I'm going to ignore Christmas as long as I can. Too much in that barrel of monkeys to deal with yet.

I am disturbed that you don't appreciate some of the finer things in life, mince pies and BBQ sauce with meant to be together. I tend to think BBQ sauce is an appropriate accompaniment to everything though. Off you go, I'm sure you can make something out of that ...

I have read through the quotes thread, I got a few good laughs. Thanks.

I'm sorry to hear about your day, but the upside sounds like you got a lot of exercise and experiences. And you got an escort with flashing blue lights!! And no handcuffs, that would be a rare thing I'm sure. My flashing lights are always on top of ambulances, not really a good thing.

I don't see your decision as whimpish at all, informed, intelligent yes. Why you you be made to suffer more indignities because of other peoples shortcomings? I'm pretty sure your not president of Australia, so you don't have to own fixing everything that is wrong with the world. Pick your battles, you are choosing to improve the state of the world through your volunteer work and I for one really respect you for that. I wish I had that courage, you have way more than I have.

I understand how you feel about men, if I had an answer to that quandary I'd be following my advice myself. I do seem to remember a very smart lady saying that I was not scared of all women because I was communicating with one here ... Back at you sweet, sensitive, smart Mary.

[White_Rose]

That last comment was a bit below the belt. Tut, tut. I do enjoy the finer things in life, they just do not include BBQ sauce, but mince pies are a favourite of mine. When I lived on Thursday Island we ate prawns a great deal as we got them fresh off the boats and very cheap. I used to devein them and de-shell them, leaving the tail on. Then I would dip them in a very, very light batter and and quickly fry them. The memory of them is making my mouth water. We also ate heaps of oysters and bugs. Meat was flown in from Cairns once a week.

I am leaving shortly to go to the West End for my Tuesday job. Just waiting for the gardener to arrive so I can tell him what to do. I was given a large number of hippeastrums recently so I want him to plant them. I find bending or kneeling or whatever to get to the plants far too uncomfortable and I have never been happy in the summer heat. One of the first things I did when I moved to my current home was to install air conditioning. Today the weather report threatens 33 degrees for Brisbane. I will be working in a very old building with no air con in the morning and then meeting someone for a 'chat'. In the past couple of days I have been crying and carrying on like an idiot. I contacted the police officer and told him I have changed my mind about a statement and then spent most of the weekend writing about what happened. I don't understand why I a complainant and not just a witness. Anyway, I realised I had to do this or spend the rest of my life regretting the opportunity to voice my dismay, hurt and disgust. I found out he has a previous conviction and what it was for. I feel so violated that someone has used me to make himself feel good.

Anyway, better motor on.

Rosslyn

[QldMouse]

Below the belt, yes I think I thought that when it was thrown my way ...

Rosslyn? are you testing me with the chapel reference from the da Vinci code? Latin was not good enough?

Thursday Island?!?!? my word you get around, but your seafood references are lost on me since I'm allergic. reads well though.

I hear you regarding the Brisbane heat, I have lived in much colder climates and felt more at home there, being fried is not really my idea of nice. Sadly it is where we will.

Don't feel bad about the crying and being emotional in no way means your an idiot, I lost someone close too me last night and have been blubbering away uncontrollably. Yes I feel like an idiot, one who was robbed and mugged actually.

I'm very proud and impressed you are going out to fight the good fight against this a-hole, so very impressed.

Happy motoring and safe travels.

Battery .... running .... very .... low .... sorry.