Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

[QldMouse]

I’ve been reading these most amazing posts, from people who sound so nice and are suffering so much. Sadly I can relate so much to so many
people. With apprehension can I share some of my story in the hope of getting a reality check and possible advice.

Like so many I had a sad childhood which then turned to fear, shame, loneliness and depression in teenage and young adult years. A partner was found for me, I lacked the courage to ask her out. A short burst of happiness followed with the birth of a truly wonderful daughter who gives me the reason to carry on each day.

Sadly my wife comes with her own inventory of baggage and has suffered depression most of her life. Over our 20+ year marriage
I’ve tried to remain supportive but have done a pretty crap job, and after hitting a low point I started getting therapy. I’m told I’ve made
a lot of progress but I don’t feel it myself.

I’m exhausted, I feel so lost, trapped and alone. I have no friends, no life, and nothing but fear. I’m over the hill, accelerating down the other side with only a few years to go. My wife has sought help in the past but without success, and will not consider counseling or any form of assistance. She remains medicated, but it had an adverse reaction on me. I feel so bad for her and shame that I’m such a rubbish husband.

The therapist I’ve been seeing thinks I should leave and pursue my own path to happiness, but I think she underestimates how much that terrifies me. The fear of being even lonelier than I am now and losing my daughter, the one person that keeps me going, I just can’t cope with that. I still love my wife but our relationship has been poor for a couple of decades. We don’t talk honestly, and she is a bit harsh on me at times. I’m not saying I don’t deserve it, and I understand I’m overly sensitive.

My therapist says that I have qualities that women are looking for, but I am very skeptical. I am paying her to make me feel better
after all. She also underestimates how truly bad I am around women. I have suffered social anxiety since I was young, panic attacks and a morbid fear of women. I literally cannot talk to a woman I like, it is hard enough for me to breath in her presence. I dread to think what they must think of me, my deep breathing is not rudeness it’s an inability to obtain oxygen. Pretty poor prospects really.

I’m lost, can I help my wife? Can I help me? Can I help us or is it really too late? How do you tell?

Thanks for reading, be well everyone.

[QldMouse]

Oh Mary,

I understand the mixed feelings, I wish I understand why interpersonal relationships are so hard. I feel for you and the difficulty of your journey.

Is this recent? I have a sudden overwhelming compulsion to want to hunt them down with sharp implements a shovel a pick and some extra thick garbage bags. I feel so sad for you, I hope your daughters and GP are helping and the substitute couch.

If its any help I just discovered a few more stages of grief, I'm told we have improved on the five stages and now the seven emotional stages of grief are apparently shock or disbelief, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, and acceptance/hope. It seems five were not enough for some people, I may well have added a couple myself ... confusion, stupidity ... maybe I should find another one and call it an even ten.

Oh Mary, triggers are very hard I know. And sometimes so unexpected which just seems to make them and the resulting panic attack worse. I had a weekend of contrast myself with periods of intense depression and pounding headache, then great pride and joy, then plummeting despair. People pay big money for roller coaster rides like this. Idiots.

I'm sad to say I slept way too much of the weekend away, I don't think I needed it I think I just gave in. I feel way worse for it that much is certain. Sometimes it is a valid option for comfort.

I hope you get the strength you need to do what ever you want or need. I'm hanging around, I'm sorry I'm not more lucid or helpful but I feel like a broken blender full of emotions with too many ice cubes. Running very rough.

I see you have used my cheer up line, so let me just say that is is always darkest before it get pitch black. Ouch.

Maybe we both needed that storm this afternoon, nice timing as every body needed a wash on their way home. Just like old times.

I'm still scrambling on the keyboard, I should quit while I'm behind as this post feels like a train wreak unfolding in a browser. Doh.

I am truly sorry you are having a tough week, I hope that means that it will get much better from here on out.

[White_Rose]

Hello Mouse

This has been going for about seven weeks. I was told the psychologist I had been seeing for three years was in fact not qualified. I feel abused and angry because of all the stuff I have spoken about. I thought he was terrific because he helped over some hard times, but it was all his vanity. In the background I have always had some unease but pushed it away. Silly me. Should have walked a long time ago. Now I have been asked to make a statement to police and it scares me to death. If I have to go to court I don't know how well I will manage.

This is not my couch lady. She is a psychiatrist and very nice. This man has abused the trust of so many people. I am shattered. Hence the tears and sadness. I became very dependent on him and that also makes me angry, confiding in a fraud. I don't think it will be easy to trust anyone again, especially if they are nice.

Tears again. Write soon.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Oh Mary,

Wow, that is shocking. I can't even begin to understand the pain you are feeling, I'm so sorry to hear about that. Some people are amazing in their capacity for badness. I have a hard time understanding that but they seem to lack empathy, amongst other things.

I'm reading and re-reading your sentence "I thought he was terrific because he helped over some hard times, but it was all his vanity." Out of that what I'm taking away is that talking did help you over some hard times, and I think you have to grasp that out of this whole sad episode. Find the good and find the learning out of it, and use that to make you stronger. Take what you can as it were.

Oh boy, that unease eh? That would be your gut talking. It is always easier to listen to it after an event, and your gut is an expert as saying "I told you so" But it is not so easy in the heat of the moment and in particular when we are emotional.

I have sat in a room in a police station making a statement, It is very daunting isn't it but good on you for going through with it. If its any consolation very few of those cases make it to a full trial, and very few of the witnesses are ever used in a trial. I have faith that you will manage through what ever prevails though, I see an element of super woman in you. Cape optional.

I'm so pleased to hear your couch is not compromised and you have her so use her please. As an aside, I finally remembered to explain the "couch" reference to my couch, and she got a good laugh out of it. She also was very encouraging about posting on BB and this thread, and a few "todo" items I have on my list now.

I keep coming back to sadness at the pain you are feeling, and hoping that it too will pass soon, and wishing you the very best thoughts.

Hang in there lovely lady, don't let the you-know-whats of the world get you down, you are way better than them and can't let them win.

Warmest of smiles in your direction today.

[QldMouse]

Oh, and I did notice you had changed your profile picture? Is that you? What a sweet little thing you were. A very nice picture.

[White_Rose]

Dear Mouse

I am getting a bit of courage to show the world my real face. The picture is me taken in our back garden in England. Behind me is apple tree. It took a lot of effort to learn how to climb that tree. My eldest sister always claimed it as hers and she was six years older than me she carried a bit of authority. I did learn to climb the tree and realised that possession is nine points of the law. Note the ribbon in my hair. It was forever falling out of my hair and of course I lost it. Mom was not pleased. I wonder why she just did not have my hair cut fairly short. Probably because girls had long to longish hair in those days.

I have struggled with the point you make about some of his good deeds. What I realise now is that this help came from need to be recognised as a good person. Sadly he was already considered a good person. I haven't made my statement yet and in the end I may decide not to do this. I am checking out my options. I have some support people here which is good. In the end I am the only person who can make things right for me. It's going through the process which is hard, but when I do there will be more peace in my life and may be I will learn to manage my depression better.

Actually, until all this burst out I was going very well. Just shows we should keep on doing the good stuff for ourselves so that we are prepared for the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. Going all bardic on you. I have been reading more in The Gifts and finding it truly fascinating. I must recommend it to my couch next week when I see her. Also working my way through Highly Sensitive People. Yes we have the makings of a book club. Do you care to nominate which is the book of the month to read and discuss?

I am losing my energy to write. Never did that before.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hello courageous Mary!

I dip my hat to you for your courage, it is good and inspiring to see. Hopefully some of your courage will rub off through my browser! Don't start me on the siblings trail, it is a very mixed ... struggling with a word here ... blessing does not fit.

It must have been nice to grow up with a nice English garden, there was one near where I grew up that I got to visit and enjoy when I was very young. Lots of nice places to hide.

We have not had any quotes for a while have we, you are of course familiar with
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

But what about;
You must do the things you think you cannot do.
The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.
Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't.
Women are like teabags. You don't know how strong they are until you put them in hot water.
It is not fair to ask of others what you are not willing to do yourself.
Life was meant to be lived, and curiosity must be kept alive. One must never, for whatever reason, turn his back on life.
With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts.
Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.

They are of course all from Eleanor Roosevelt, the former First Lady of the US and in fact the longest serving First Lady and quite an activist.

That will have to serve in lieu of a book club, I'm having an energy crisis this week after some very long and exhausting days. I have lacked the energy to pick up a book for days now but hope to regain energy and pay off my sleep debt over the weekend.

Have a lovely day and a wonderful weekend Mary.

[White_Rose]

Hello Dearest Mouse

Today is first day for at least a week that I have not been in tears by now, 1:00pm. I went to church this morning and found so much sustenance there. It's making me feel better. And actually I feel it's moving me closer to a decision. My GP wants me to write a pros and cons list and today is the first time I have able to even start this. I am putting it off on the grounds that I need to write to you.

My six year old granddaughter invited me to her school to celebrate grandparents day on Friday. I also went last year. Very nice. The only unfortunate part was attending with my ex. Still he has a right to go as well. I was privileged to drive him to the school. I went to the chapel where the day started, it's a Lutheran school. Lovely way to start the day. I left early as I had the appointment with my GP. Then I had a session with my physio because I have in been in lots of back pain. We agreed it was stress related but he still stuck lots of needles in me. Feel much better now and also more able to relax a little so less pain.

Yesterday, Saturday, I went to my other daughter's to take care of my other grandson while mom, dad, and eldest daughter went to an awards night for the rowing squad at her school. She was won an award for most improved rower. Much to her surprise, my daughter also received an award, for being the most consistent volunteer. Ah the sacrifices we make for our children.

Next week will be a whirlwind of activity. One of these activities is meeting with the investigating officer to talk about this wretched statement.

Just read a couple of sentences in Highly Sensitive People which I want to share with you.

Highly sensitive people have a very delicate nervous system. We register more nuances, and overall the inputs we receive go deeper into our system. We have a great imagination and lively inner world, which means that the inputs and impressions we receive from the outside can trigger a multitude of concepts, associations and thoughts. In this way our "hard drive" is quickly filled and we will feel over-stimulated.

Our delicate nervous systems, which often force us to withdraw from things we enjoy, are also what enable us to experience great joy. If you are highly sensitive, you probably already know how difficult it can be to distract yourself unpleasant sounds, sights or scents.

Now I know why detergent smells in the supermarket feel so uncomfortable.

I hope your week will be better than the last.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

Sorry for the break in transmission, it has been quite a week. Such a roller coaster but climbing back up the rise to a happier place now. There is hope on the horizon again, and a lot of journey but towards light.

Funny you should be talking about decisions, we humans hate making hard decisions don't we? And you never know where a decision will take you, I know I didn't last weekend. I did make a hard decision and some very, very hard days followed and then a stunning turnaround that I would never have predicted. A happy turn around. I'm not sure where I found the courage, it was hiding with my fear I think, but I'm more positive now than I have been for ages.

So go with your heart, or gut, and the part of your head that does not have the little dark voice. Be as strong as I think you can be, and I wish you the very best outcome.

Let me pass on a bit of wisdom I received from my lady of the couch. Never say anything to yourself that you would not be happy to say to your child. Isn't that a thing to think about, I've struggled with it and it is powerful to me, I suspect to you too.

Just reading you relating the wonderful stories of you children and grandchildren I can feel the warmth and pride you have for them, and so you should. All that strong family is a testament to your strength, love and nurturing. Well done!! You deserve to take a bow.

How is you week of whirlwind going? I hope the winds are gentle on you.

I must find that sensitive people book, my gut tells me it will be a page turner.

Anyway, must dash back into my own whirlwind I'm sorry. Tempus fugit eh!?!?

Be well, be happy, and be strong.

[White_Rose]

Dear Mouse

Last week was indeed a whirlwind. Tried for a quieter weekend with some success. In essence I did enjoy the week even though it was tiring. Caught up with people, went back to my volunteer roles, attended a day long workshop that had me almost asleep before I got home. All good.

Best of all has been my realisation the HE is not worth wasting time over, certainly not worth the hurt and heartache. It has been a battle to reconcile the two sides of him but it has fallen into place now. Still a bit miffed but nothing very dramatic. I understand why you say some good things came out of this, and you are right to some extent. My anger came from realising this was merely a vehicle for him to demonstrate his wonderfulness, in fact play to the gallery. I believe I am worth more than that, even if that sounds big-headed.

So yes, I will take the good bits even as I wonder how much better it may have been with someone who really had the skills, did not feel the need to use me as a metaphorical punching bag when things did not go according to plan. When I desperately needed help he was off protecting his back. I will keep what I have learned, including being far, far more cautious with anyone in the future. The couch in my life needs to be very professional and solid.

So what other news from the front? You do realise I am consumed with curiosity about your decision. I do believe I am losing sleep over it. Well either that or I have a guilty conscience. 😊

I am very pleased that there is a light shining for you. I always knew you had courage, including the courage to find it and stand up. Many , many congratulations. I love the wisdom from the lady of the couch. Please thank her very much. And talking of quotes, well only a little sidestep, have you read the post in the BB Social Zone/Quotes that I like. I think you could add a lot to that thread. You will of course recognise my contribution.

Eagerly awaiting news from the whirlwind. Nil desperandum.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hello Mary,

Oh my, Latin even? Reminds me of that Tim Allen quote from Galaxy Quest "Never give up, never surrender" etc, etc.

I'm very pleased you are engaged with your works and activities, it is nice to hear. Sounds to me though, that "he" does not deserve uppercase, and if "he" is grandstanding that much his insecurities are definitely showing. Probably along with a beer gut, bald patch and I'll leave it there. I'm a visual person what can I say.

One does need to be very careful in selecting a couch, it is easier said than it sounds of course, and I count myself very lucky now. I certainly have not been in the past.

I'm sorry about the "decision", it is/was very difficult and touchy and I've gone back on it but for a good reason I hope. Hope actually. I guess this is what a frog in a blender feels like, there goes light, there goes hope, ouch that hurt, there is some more hope, no that si the same hope going by again, is that light? oh heck its a train and I'm off the rails again. . It has been a very rough day, I hate cup days.

I will get to the quotes, I'm a bit quoted out at the moment sorry.