Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

[QldMouse]

I’ve been reading these most amazing posts, from people who sound so nice and are suffering so much. Sadly I can relate so much to so many
people. With apprehension can I share some of my story in the hope of getting a reality check and possible advice.

Like so many I had a sad childhood which then turned to fear, shame, loneliness and depression in teenage and young adult years. A partner was found for me, I lacked the courage to ask her out. A short burst of happiness followed with the birth of a truly wonderful daughter who gives me the reason to carry on each day.

Sadly my wife comes with her own inventory of baggage and has suffered depression most of her life. Over our 20+ year marriage
I’ve tried to remain supportive but have done a pretty crap job, and after hitting a low point I started getting therapy. I’m told I’ve made
a lot of progress but I don’t feel it myself.

I’m exhausted, I feel so lost, trapped and alone. I have no friends, no life, and nothing but fear. I’m over the hill, accelerating down the other side with only a few years to go. My wife has sought help in the past but without success, and will not consider counseling or any form of assistance. She remains medicated, but it had an adverse reaction on me. I feel so bad for her and shame that I’m such a rubbish husband.

The therapist I’ve been seeing thinks I should leave and pursue my own path to happiness, but I think she underestimates how much that terrifies me. The fear of being even lonelier than I am now and losing my daughter, the one person that keeps me going, I just can’t cope with that. I still love my wife but our relationship has been poor for a couple of decades. We don’t talk honestly, and she is a bit harsh on me at times. I’m not saying I don’t deserve it, and I understand I’m overly sensitive.

My therapist says that I have qualities that women are looking for, but I am very skeptical. I am paying her to make me feel better
after all. She also underestimates how truly bad I am around women. I have suffered social anxiety since I was young, panic attacks and a morbid fear of women. I literally cannot talk to a woman I like, it is hard enough for me to breath in her presence. I dread to think what they must think of me, my deep breathing is not rudeness it’s an inability to obtain oxygen. Pretty poor prospects really.

I’m lost, can I help my wife? Can I help me? Can I help us or is it really too late? How do you tell?

Thanks for reading, be well everyone.

[White_Rose]

Hello Dearest Mouse

How delicious to read your post. I have missed your off-beat metaphors and your acerbic comments. I do trust you are having a wonderful time and feel reluctant to return home.

Life has been rather difficult this week made more so because I am not allowed to discuss the matter. Suffice it say it has been the actions of another rather than something I have done. That makes a change so I should be happy about that.

Riker without a beard, AKA babyface. He went through the whole first series beardless and looked as though he should be at school. But then Starfleet makes them grow up early. What about Will Crusher, piloting the Enterprise and solving all sorts of scientific problems. All before he goes to the academy. My teenage years were very different, not an alien in sight.

My car is once again beautiful, just like its owner would like to be. As it's school holiday I am not at my volunteer places, well not all, so I have had time to work on my daughter's wedding scrapbook and go out to lunch a few times. It feels a little odd not to be driving hither and yon. The flip side is that I am saving money on petrol. Always look for the silver lining.

I have not been writing much on BB just lately. Finding some of the topics a bit too close to me. The good news is that I am feeling better everyday and up to writing here.

How can you have a holiday filled with chaos? Or do you mean you are dashing around seeing the sights so much it feels like chaos? I hope you have not taken your laptop with you in order to do some work.

I am trying to read several books in preparation for our next book club get together. I think I got two books out of the library too far ahead of time so I need to make notes otherwise I will forget what happened. I am also trying to read The Gifts Of Imperfection. I wonder if the universe is sending me a message to slow down, or possibly speed up.

Enjoy the rest of your holiday and give the chaos a firm boot.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hello Distant Mary,

It was great to see you respond so fast to my post, I am sorry to hear things have not been great. Your post to me like you are keeping a confidence, good on you. That is frequently very tough, so I empathize and respect your ability to keep mum.

I too would have loved to grow up on a Starship, shame about man's lack of progress. There is quite a lot I would have changed about my early life, ok most of it really. Too late I'm afraid.

Very pleased to hear about your car, mine is now officially jealous. I must attend to that when I get back and get some money. I am pleased to be away for the school holidays though, but I think I found a lot of the holidaying Queenslanders.

Sorry also to hear that your writing is diminished, I'm sure the community is missing your wonderful insight. I sure understand how hard it is to post into some threads. I've started to post into a couple then lacked the courage to complete the post. I need to work on my crisis of courage, its been a rough stretch of road the last few weeks, er years.

Although I am typing this on my laptop, I did not bring it for work. I do need to be in touch, but mostly this trip is a barely planned work in progress. A long story, very long, not the way I like to do things, but it is what it is.

Still grabbing time and internet as I can, back soon!

[White_Rose]

Hello Dear Mouse

I read your post three hours after you posted and was very tempted to reply immediately. Since I was almost literally falling asleep over the computer I decided to wait until I could be certain I was writing something that approximated sense.

I didn't see the couch last week. When I looked in my diary I saw these was no appointment booked and realised it is school holidays the psych needs a clear couch for her children. So next week will be the next appointment. I have a difficult decision to make where both options are unpalatable. I was hoping she would be my sounding board but I also want the decision made and put into action much sooner than I see her. Ah well.

I have a read a couple of your posts to others and found them very supportive. It's all a matter of practice. Your psych knows you very well it appears and I also think you are resilient. Did you get to your current age by cowering in a corner? Do you know the words of Georgie Girl, by I think the Seekers or was it Peter, Paul and Mary? Regardless, change the gender to male and there you have your motivational song.

I doubt the community is missing me much. There are other champs who write to the myriad of posters. I do not write in the areas where I have little knowledge and no experience. I find the young people's forum beyond me. But it is good for me to think about other people and I try to look at my life experience and see if it can be of benefit to them. Wow, that sounds very goody but I will leave it in. I have difficulty expressing how writing on BB helps me.

I am so pleased you are not working on your holiday. I notice you did not answer my question on whether you are on holiday alone or with your family. If I am trespassing just ignore the question.

Weather has already become hotter. Such a scary scenario for summer. I had my electricity bill today and discovered it is lower than the same time last year, which is good news, but also points to it not being very cold this winter.

I went to my writing group yesterday. The group started to write paper on psychiatric hospital in-patient experiences. It has morphed into a book on the mental health journey which I think is quite powerful. However we are concentrating on completing the paper which deals only with in-hospital experience. Once it has been finished I hope it will be accepted by a couple of journals. The book is coming along nicely.

Lots of chatter and gossip here.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hello Mary,

Only a few more days of school holidays left then back to normal, I'm wondering if that is a good thing or not but it is a fact. Now days from the long flight home. Sorry I didn't get to your question, this is a family trip that was intended to heal wounds and bring us together, but it has been plagued by disagreement and mutual frustration. The last day or two have been rather difficult so I find myself disappointed and frustrated. When we get back there will need to be some honest discussion, and right now I crave a talk with the lady of the couch.

I hope your couch discussion is more comfortable, but it sounds like we both will be on the edge of our seats.

Thank you so much for your comment about the posts I have had the courage to post, it is nice to hear. I wonder, I am hard on myself but it gives me a lift to help or be nice to others. Some posts just have so much hurt in them I feel unworthy of commenting, and at a loss for words.

Actually, I pretty much did get to my venerable age by cowering in many corners of all sizes and shapes. That is my standard way of dealing with crowds, conflict, and the scary gender. I remember Georgie Girl, at least the chorus and a few words. That was The Seekers and the hauntingly beautiful voice of Judith Durham. I will have to check the lyrics and get back to you.

Time short, good news on the power bill, very interesting news on the writers group project. Wow.

Take care.

[White_Rose]

I could not resist answering your post. I read it three minutes after it was posted. Way to go Mary!

So dearest Mouse, you will be home soon. Please keep the best parts of your holiday in your memory.

I'm about to go to my GP, diabetes day. Keep posting on other threads. I have always found it helpful for me and quite often I am talking to myself as much as to the other person.

You're always window shopping but never stopping to buy.
Take off your dowdy feathers and fly, a little bit.

And that's from memory. Indeed the beautiful voice and person of Judy Durham.

Getting closer to a decision. Talk again later.

Mary

[White_Rose]

Hello Dear Mouse

I am presuming you have now returned home. I remember going to the UK many years ago. My return flight was via Sydney and after I had cleared customs I walked into the main area. Hanging from the ceiling, the first thing you see as you came through the door, was a banner saying Welcome Home. I was so pleased to be back that I started to cry. Yes, women do these things. I felt so full of emotion and realised that I do indeed call Australia home.

I am so sorry this holiday did not turn out the way you wanted. Mending broken things takes time and maybe you can persevere with your marriage difficulties to find a way to manage. Are you going back to the chairs to talk about this? If I remember correctly, you were getting some benefit from this. I hope so.

I started a new role a few weeks ago. Not sure if I will do it all the time, but maybe I can be a back up person. It's the Sacristan's job at church. Sounds very formal and important, but not really. The task is to get all the communion vessels washed and ready for the Sunday's service. Making sure the candles have not dripped wax over the candlesticks, putting wafers in the box, pouring the wine in to the appropriate container and generally getting ready for church. Interesting and takes about an hour. Well it has while I am learning the job. Maybe I will get more efficient.

I think I have made my decision and I feel comfortable with it. My psych frequently told me to listen to my body and I find this good advice. While I was weighing up the pros and cons I felt quite anxious and jittery but as I thought about it my reasons became more clear and the decision happened. My body is telling me it's OK.

I have started to post again on BB, but not as many as before. I am not sure my replies are appropriate so I hope the people who read them are not disappointed. No, I'm not fishing. I feel that something in me has been lost and I don't know where to find it. On the other hand I feel more relaxed about life and finally being able to realise when my self-talk is destructive, and more to the point, change my thinking. I'm very pleased with this. I think it is contributing to my overall feeling of wellness. So why can't I write on BB?

I have an appointment in couch-land on Thursday so will discuss these weighty matters then.

Welcome home.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hello Mary,

I so wish I was home, you have no idea. There have been good times, being with my daughter has been magic, and I have shared some good moments with my better half. But overall this last two weeks has left me further down, I know I am tired, lacking sleep, and so frustrated. The journey starts in another day, I wish it was over.

Please tell me why those lyrics from Georgie Girl and the song resonated with you thinking on me? I can see things I've said would make you think that, but it is a scary song, a lot of the song sounds like my life in simple terms. Please don't read much into the question, at times I feel like the dumbest, saddest person on the planet, and I try to understand why. I heard another song that churned me, The Carpenters had a hit called I know I need to be in love that is a trigger for me. So many things are triggers darn it all. I should listen to more country and western music, that always sounded depressing. Right now I feel so lonely and sad I could probably write a hit song on my own.

This trip has shown me so much of life I can't have, so much I'm missed, so many mistakes and bad choices I have made. I have done a few good things (daughter is the most significant), but I feel right now I'd have a hard time listing enough to get past Saint Peter. And at my age that discussion feels way too close for comfort.

Yes, one of the first things on the agenda is to book time on the couch. I though I mentioned the chair guy was over, he was a blunt rude S.O.B. on a good day, but messed up an appointment and was rather rude about it. Both my wife and I were quite shocked, it was so very strange. So he is over.

As much of a blunt person as he was, he planted some idea's that have proven to be disturbing. Dam these psyhco's and there one liners. My own research reading has been disturbing, and I need to talk to someone knowledgeable about that.

Can I say thank you gentle lovely lady for being on the other end of these mad, sad ramblings. I so appreciate this, and enjoy reading your posts.

I just read your second post, I have been brought to tears on a Qantas flight several times by that darn tune they used to play, I still call Australia home gets to me every time. A fair few tissues have given their lives for that song, trust me it is not just a woman thing.

Wow, a lot to digest in your second post, I'll have to get back to you.

Take care and have a great Sunday, sounds like it will really be something. You are awesome.

[White_Rose]

Dear Dear Mouse

I debated whether or not to put the words of Georgy Girl in my post. They seem to reflect what you say about yourself. In the end I decided not to post them because I do not want to appear mean and definitely don't want to upset you. It seems to me that the song is speaking of lost opportunities and you do regret so much in your life. But it also talks of throwing aside past loneliness and breaking out of your self-imposed cell. Oh how I wish you could do that.

Can I ask about the disturbing ideas planted by the chair psych? I had forgotten you had given him the flick. Whoops!

I don't know that having a good résumé will make St Peter open the gate for you. What matters is how you live your life in general. And that's a very different matter. I think I would put you in with the sheep rather than the goats.

Triggers are a pain. I have almost stopped watching TV because of so many triggers. I can listen to music though, even when it is sad songs. I love listening to John Denver. He's usually written off as a C&W singer but there is so much more. He wrote many of the sings he sang himself. I love this one.

On the road of experience,
I'm trying to find my own way.
Sometimes I wish that I could fly away
When I think that I'm moving,
suddenly things stand still
I'm afraid 'cause I think they always will

And I'm looking for space
And to find out who I am
And I'm looking to know and understand
It's a sweet, sweet dream
Sometimes I'm almost there
Sometimes I fly like an eagle
And sometimes I'm deep in despair

All alone in the universe,
sometimes that's how it seems
I get lost in the sadness and the screams
Then I look in the centre,
suddenly everything's clear
I find myself in the sunshine and my dreams

And I'm looking for space
And to find out who I am
And I'm looking to know and understand
It's a sweet, sweet dream
Sometimes I'm almost there
Sometimes I fly like an eagle
And sometimes I'm deep in despair

On the road of experience,
join in the living day
if there's an answer,
it's just that
it's just that way

When you're looking for space
And to find out who you are
When you're looking to try and reach the stars
It's a sweet, sweet, sweet dream
Sometimes I'm almost there
Sometimes I fly like an eagle
But sometimes I'm deep in despair

Sometimes I fly like an eagle,
like an eagle
I go flying high

To me this speaks of the struggle with depression/anxiety and social pressure to conform or not rock the boat. There is also hope and joy.

Mary

[White_Rose]

Dear Mouse

By now you will be on the flight home and hopefully can sleep most of the way. You said you can sleep on planes, a skill I envy as I never do more than catnap.

I do not remember the Carpenters song even though I looked it up. What do you think of John Denver? I'm very tempted to put another of his songs in here but maybe I had best wait until you have read the first one. I wish I could help you more than just posting to you. I think if we ever met we would talk for hours, well unless I frightened you away first. As that's a most unlikely meeting there's no point in wondering.

I've probably said this before, but it is so true for me. Posting on BB helps me as well as the other. So I have found being a community champ rewarding and satisfying. And I suppose this is why I am cross with myself for not posting much for a while. I talk to one of the other champs and he tells me not to try and return full time, so to speak, but let it come naturally. Well of course if the advice is from a champ it must be good. 😊

This afternoon, Sunday, I am going to my granddaughter's birthday party. This one is eight and we are meeting at the Springfield water park. Not entirely certain where it is so I hope my trusty GPS is up to the task. I have bought her a colouring book and a set of colouring in pencil. This book is an adult colouring book. I tried this and gave up after a couple pages. I just got irritated and impatient. Apparently my granddaughter enjoys them and 'colours in' frequently.

I have spent a great deal of my life regretting decisions, comments, actions and I am coming to the conclusion that we need to leave the past in the past. It's time to concentrate on the now and make that the best possible. I think I have been so busy living with these regrets that I have missed good stuff in the now. So I am practising looking at the past briefly and acknowledging the sadness. Then moving on.

Saying I didn't do this or learn that just gives me an excuse to stop living. I need to do the things I can, stop trying, after a while, the things I cannot do when it becomes clear they are not what makes me happy or just cannot master. Then going out and looking for alternatives. I have always wanted to play the piano and blamed my parents for not giving lessons. Well I tried to learn some years ago but could not do it. My impatience again. Now I am going to try again. I may not succeed this time but I am in a better space these days so who knows.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hello Mary,

Firstly I really hope the birthday party was magical, and you GPS did you proud. I hope you are well and had a wonderful long weekend.

I have returned, sorry for taking so long to come back on line but the last 48-72 hours has been a struggle with many things from hyperglycemia and trying to balance my insulin across time zones to many other challenges. As I typed this, I'm thinking its the lyrics for a very sad song. My pet bird I rescued as a chick died just before I got back, and I arrived to find a young lady I knew had given up on her struggle I knew nothing about.

She was a young, bubbly, happy person, who always had a smile on her face, a very passionate person with many varying interests. I never knew but deep down she struggled with depression, and late last month lost her struggle and took her own life. That was a big shock, she would have been close to the last person on the planet I would have suspected with depression.

I actually avoid TV also, for the same reason. If I watch something it is usually recorded.

Going on with songs and such, I was very passionate about music many years ago, and a great C&W fan, a John Denver fan. His death was so sad but he died doing what he loved. I have most of his LP's but was not familiar with that song. I'm pretty sure it is on an LP I have someplace though.

Maybe I should dust my collection off, and figure out how to get them onto my iThings. I still have a turntable though my daughter laughs at me with my oversized black CD's.

I will take a while to sort my head out, it is such a mess. I think some people are just destined to be unhappy. maybe its genetic. The people that tell me to go find happiness don't appreciate the pain that would cause and I can't handle that either. To leave and be on my own is not really an option, maybe over time things will get better. I keep hoping, its not all bad. We had some great times on the trip.

Anyway, still dashing about madly trying to keep everyone happy.

Take care, back as soon as I can.