Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

[QldMouse]

I’ve been reading these most amazing posts, from people who sound so nice and are suffering so much. Sadly I can relate so much to so many
people. With apprehension can I share some of my story in the hope of getting a reality check and possible advice.

Like so many I had a sad childhood which then turned to fear, shame, loneliness and depression in teenage and young adult years. A partner was found for me, I lacked the courage to ask her out. A short burst of happiness followed with the birth of a truly wonderful daughter who gives me the reason to carry on each day.

Sadly my wife comes with her own inventory of baggage and has suffered depression most of her life. Over our 20+ year marriage
I’ve tried to remain supportive but have done a pretty crap job, and after hitting a low point I started getting therapy. I’m told I’ve made
a lot of progress but I don’t feel it myself.

I’m exhausted, I feel so lost, trapped and alone. I have no friends, no life, and nothing but fear. I’m over the hill, accelerating down the other side with only a few years to go. My wife has sought help in the past but without success, and will not consider counseling or any form of assistance. She remains medicated, but it had an adverse reaction on me. I feel so bad for her and shame that I’m such a rubbish husband.

The therapist I’ve been seeing thinks I should leave and pursue my own path to happiness, but I think she underestimates how much that terrifies me. The fear of being even lonelier than I am now and losing my daughter, the one person that keeps me going, I just can’t cope with that. I still love my wife but our relationship has been poor for a couple of decades. We don’t talk honestly, and she is a bit harsh on me at times. I’m not saying I don’t deserve it, and I understand I’m overly sensitive.

My therapist says that I have qualities that women are looking for, but I am very skeptical. I am paying her to make me feel better
after all. She also underestimates how truly bad I am around women. I have suffered social anxiety since I was young, panic attacks and a morbid fear of women. I literally cannot talk to a woman I like, it is hard enough for me to breath in her presence. I dread to think what they must think of me, my deep breathing is not rudeness it’s an inability to obtain oxygen. Pretty poor prospects really.

I’m lost, can I help my wife? Can I help me? Can I help us or is it really too late? How do you tell?

Thanks for reading, be well everyone.

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

Sorry for the tardy reply, in no way influenced by any form of tiff! More a very busy and injury prone few days, sigh. Yes I've been busy doing myself in again, it is a talent I have.

Sad to hear you have been unwell, you tell the bugs to bugger off. Mind you it is Ekka time, so people seem to be falling over like domino's at the moment.

So glad to hear you had your lunch and grandchild time, nothing like a nice meal and nice company. I'm going to have another shot of that on Friday, It has been many. many weeks since I had lunch therapy.

Tiff, us?!?! noooo. I did have to google "onomatopoeia" of course, and yes whiffling is a great word, and I know more than one Jabberwock. I am however more in tune with the good Dr of course and don't think I didn't notice you quote him back at me ... .

There is a nice safety in distance friendships, times when I had distance friendships did not go very well up close and personal, but that was long, long ago in a time sad, sad away. Guess I heal slowly, or am a slow learner, probably both. Woops my thickness is showing, doh! In return for the Dr Seuss quote let me return the second verse from a song by a good Brisbane band "I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands", I know I do/have/do ... heck. I still struggle to measure myself worth by my own measure, rather than my interpretation of how I think other people value me.

Quotes are fun aren't they, you can find one to fit every mood, and they make you sound smart and well read!! No I don't think your over using cliche, did you know the work cliche is an onomatopoeia? . Yes indeed, see Wikipedia, the Origin of the word. . No, I still have not figured out how you got that smile emoticon in that text. .

I have not been to any couch lately, things have been a bit chaotic and scheduling / work issues caused us to miss the couples therapist. And rescheduling has been difficult. Funny you should ask, I was just wondering about that myself. There has been a lot of water flowing under the bridge and signs of erosion are setting in. Going to see what I can do about that. Good question. Aren't words great to hide true feelings behind, like a thesaurus mask.

Are you suggesting Psych's and clients are people? good and bad in each? Yes I agree, if you listen closely you can hear half the medical profession laughing along with us.

On that note, take care lovely lady, and I hope you are having a great week.

[White_Rose]

Dear Mouse

Lovely as usual to hear from you. 😊 I cheated with the smiley face by copying it from another post and pasting it here. Actually I copied the face from my last post, which was smuggled out of another post. Otherwise I am a lost cause when it comes to importing things like emoticons. I also suspect it depends which program you get them from and put them into. My psych once sent me an email with four koalas and two gold stars because I had been so good and clever. They displayed on my emails as six rectangles. I think he uses Apple. Such a disappointment.

Which bit of you has been hurt? I hope it's not too painful or serious. Since you are able to use a computer it gives me hope you will recover. Look after yourself.

Grandson's 11th birthday party yesterday. A gathering of the clan plus daughter's in-laws. Lovely day with lovely people. Ate too much birthday cake of course but then it doesn't count if it's in a good cause. My granddaughter, Daina 6, decided she was not speaking to me, but then she did not speak to the adults much being busy playing with her cousins. This morning I received a phone from said granddaughter's mom asking if I was going to be home in this morning. Daina had a day off school for the EKKA. They don't live in Brisbane. Anyway Daina wanted to visit grandma and make sandcastles on the beach. So I was granted the pleasure of her company.

I do like quotes and in my family they are often altered to fit the circumstances. Similarly we change proverbs etc, though not always deliberately, which of course makes it funnier. Then it goes into the family history of stories to tell (usually to embarrass).

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away... Hurts take as much time as they need to heal. I am hoping that not crying so much is an indication I am getting better. The problem is when the wound get unexpectedly opened. That hurts all over again. I find being with people is a great antidote to hurting. Maybe it's the mask, the obligation to be part of the conversation, the interest in what's going on. I think I may have indicated I am a bit nosey. I have also found being with others changes my perspective from looking inwards to looking outwards.

"I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands". Most definitely yes. I can be reduced to a gibbering wreck by a few unkind words, and often the words have not been intended to hurt. Working on all of this.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hi Lovely Mary,

Also so nice to see your post, it just brightens my day. That is clever of you, smuggler of emoticons huh. Well done, that had me scratching my head. I'll see my therapist on Friday now, I'll have a word with her about koala's and gold stars. I suspect you did something outstanding to receive that though.

I did my knee a mischief early last week and was hobbling lop sided (yes I should have been off it but a man's gotta work). So I made it even on Saturday and did something silly to the hamstring in my other leg. Now I am balanced!! all good, I hobble evenly 🙂

I used to like kids birthday parties, I got to act like I normally do and people thought I was playing down to the kids level, haha how little did they know. Sounds like you had a magical time.

I think you have mentioned a talent for being inquisitive before, and an interest in people is clearly one of your qualities. I really admire you for that, you sound such a nice people person and at home in social occasions. I think I'd be satisfied to just not be in a state of high anxiety in such situations, as far as being inquisitive ... I'd rather not know, and have less to be nervous about thanks. I have a way to go clearly. I am glad and impressed you find being with people and antidote to hurting, I find it the reverse. Being with people is like having salt vigorously rubbed into my wounds, with a heavy dose of chicken seasoning.

Take care sweet Mary.

[White_Rose]

Oh Mouse, you light up my day with your posts.

Chicken seasoning eh! The unkindest cut of all.

I have some news which I am desperate to share. You may remember I told you about attending a workshop on mental health a few weeks ago. Say yes, whatever the truth and I will feel better. Anyway I was at one of volunteer places when I was asked if I would like to be on the committee that organises these workshop. Talk about being gobsmacked. I think it took about five seconds to accept. Yes I know it's a long time but first I needed to regain my voice and take the stunned mullet look off my face. Very impressed.

Yes I know I did something to earn those wonderful koalas and gold stars but for the life of me I cannot remember what. I will have to go back through all his emails to find out. Not sure it would be worth it. However I can remember how disappointed I was when I eventually discovered what the rectangles were meant to be.

Which couch are you reclining on Friday? Yes definitely tell her you feel discriminated against, and surely you must have done something to earn a gold star.

Purely in the interest of research I must ask you to explain how you hurt your knee. I broke my kneecap about 15 years ago, fell getting out of the bath, and walked with crutches for many weeks. I was eventually allowed to return to work. Watching me make my slow way to the office when I got off the train, which was a pantomime in itself, must have afforded amusement to many. Hobbling around the office on crutches is not a task to be undertaken lightly. It scored me a seat on the train when it was crowded so I suppose there were some benefits.

My couch asked me to write a timeline of the incidents that brought me low. I kept putting it off but as I have an appointment on Thursday decided to comply. Yes right. Wrote three lines and just about collapsed under the weight of the memories. So I will 'fess up tomorrow but there is no way I will go back to that place, at least not voluntarily. Some things are best left undisturbed. Sadly the whole wretched thing has followed me around for the past couple of days, so it was with great thankfulness and joy that I read your post. Thank you.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Ah Mary, you light up my days too. It is great to share with someone who understands.

Yes of course I remember the workshop, I may not have an active nosy gene but I do retain stuff quite well. Frankly I am not surprised at all, such an accomplish volunteer and clearly good with people. They know a good thing when they see her, just like the folks that gave you that raise. koalas and gold stars would seem to flow in your direction just like you deserve. This just proves my high opinion of you lovely lady. I also am impressed, well done!!

Back to the "me" couch of Friday, the joint couch (actually large uncomfortable chairs) in a few weeks, it seems couple therapists must be in high demand. Go figure.

Ok so I am a research project? If we start on injuries and broken bones I'll need a lot more than 2500 characters. The knee, for starters I have been pounding the pavement at lunch in work shoes, power walking with no cushioning and did it harm, it was already acting up. So then there is this large rolling set of tool drawers I have, almost as tall as me an 1.5 metres wide. Rather heavy, difficult to move. Nuf said. I didn't break anything, but gave it a good wack and it swelled up nicely. There was an ouch moment. Sigh.

You poor thing, you broke your kneecap?!?!? Wow and ouch. How is it now?

I really feel for you writing things like that down, I've been down that path with and without success. Opinions seem to vary but it does seem that writing it out does sometimes help with objectivity and distancing yourself from the pain. I wrote a letter to my mum that was very hard, then after talking about it I burnt it. That did feel better, and did bring some closure. Then I went through agony over several attempts to write down some other stuff from my early life and it sort of helped with some of it.

Are you looking for triggers? That was helpful for me to write down some of my triggers then talk through my reactions, then alternative ways of reactive. I carry file cards with some of my triggers and reactions written down. When I feel vulnerable I'll often read them. It has helped.

Yes indeed some days the couch is less comfortable that others for sure. I hope you get some comfortable couch time soon.

Remember your fan club, the committee you now grace with your presence, the place that pays you, the psycho with the koalas and gold stars, your loving family and friends. I'll be the loony in the distance with the embarrassing grin waving like a nutter.

[White_Rose]

Dearest Mouse

What a joy to see a post from you. I broke the kneecap 15 years ago. You would think I could get out of a bath without tripping, after all I was 15 years younger. It's healed up nicely and all I have to show for it is a long scar. Whenever any medical person has reason to look at my knee, and I insist by appointment only, they always, always say. "You've had a knee reconstruction". So I explain and they look so disappointed. I think I should have a tattoo on the knee saying NOT A KNEE RECONSTRUCTION. There is a little weakness which has been compounded by a hip operation, NOT REPLACEMENT, forcing the leg muscles to work harder to compensate for the reduced action of a ligament. No, you don't really want to know.

Yes, in general writing stuff down can help and I have used this frequently. Not this time. Being bullied is not nice. No, not even for you dear Mouse can I jump back in that cesspit.

I know what triggers me re this stuff and I am beginning to agree with both couch and GP that I will not heal until I leave my church. I really thought I was managing until Monday night when I reread all the stuff. No No No.

Are you resting said knee and taking painkillers and anti-inflammatory pills? I jolly well hope so. How come the hamstring? This can be very painful. I always run screaming to my physio when I hurt myself, although this year my visits have been related to the surgery. Muscles getting cramped by overwork. Who would have thought I can put overworked and Mary in the same sentence.

I think I misled you about the paid employment. It is a volunteer job and I did something good so asked for a pay rise. The manager said she was always happy to give a pay rise to volunteers and would 50% be enough. It's the thought that counts. They do give me a lovely lunch when I am there so I guess it's not all work.

It would be great to see you waving but not at a distance. If you are too far away I won't be able to see the embarrassing grin.

I just tried to find the koala email and ended up reading the correspondence of the past three years with my psych. It is so unbelievably painful and distressing to recall all the awfulness that happened. I will stop writing and go to bed. Couch at 10:15 in the morning.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Dearest Mary,

Great to hear from you as usual, by now you should have just exited the couch I hope, following a happy-happy joy-joy session I hope, with feelings of global domination coursing through your head. Hmm, need to ease up on the coffee maybe.

Sorry but I did get a grin out of the history of your knee and hip. Bathrooms are very treacherous, so seem to be kitchens, garages, driveways, toilets, houses, building sites, parks ... ok, the world is a dangerous place. Sigh.

My daughter sent me something I think you would like, a photo of a grumpy old man siting on top of a slide in a playground. The caption was "the first 60 years of childhood are the hardest". I told her I represented that remark, how about you?

Oh poor Mary, I am so sorry to hear your church is a trigger. I don't know what to say, partly because of my issues with churches, and partly because I can see how much it means to you and how attached you are to the connections you have with the people. I hope you can come to a resolution on that and maintain the good, while distancing yourself from the bad. I know that is a lot of work, I have my fingers crossed for you.

Hmmm, knee, resting. Hasn't it been lovely weather? I think they are talking about a storm later today!! Don't believe it myself, I'll believe it when I see the rain falling and folks running from the Ekka (LOL).

I have no trouble putting overworked and Mary in the same sentence. See!! Sounds to me like you are very busy. Have you see the movie "The Intern" with Robert De Niro and Anne Hathaway. You might enjoy and relate to it, funny feel good movie.

Ahh, I get the payment joke. Funny and nice at the same time . I am sorry about the awfulness, it is dam hard isn't it. I don't know about you but I tend to still beat myself up feeling that I caused it somehow. I struggle to figure out the "why" and the "why me". Spent a lot of time on the couch trying to work through that, so I really feel for you. Yeah I am struggling with it now, that gives me something for the couch tomorrow right.

Really hope your couch was nice and comfy.

[White_Rose]

Hello Mouse

I started to reply then decided it was such crap I didn't want you, or anyone else to read it. I'm not doing well at the moment and I don't know what to do about it. So in the short term I will go to bed and see what transpires in the morning.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Oh poor Mary, are you feeling better this morning? I hope so.

I'm so sorry to hear that but I understand. It really sucks that to appreciate the peaks we have to suffer the dips. Life is really badly planned like that I think.

Taking a leaf out of your book, can I ask was this prompted by the couch time? and the pressure to spill your heart and guts onto paper? Everything in your own time, my psych keeps saying "you will be ready when your ready" ... She is scary wise that woman.

I think in your heart you do know what to do about it, you have sure proved that to me. Its that head which gets in the way doesn't it. That head and its dark corners we hate to shine a light into.

I feel for you lovely lady, I'll be here when your ready in your own good time.

Please be gentle with yourself, you are very special.

[White_Rose]

Dear Mouse

Thank you for your message. I am a little better this morning. Unfortunately I had another deep wound opened yesterday and I am angry. I'm angry with the people who caused the pain and I am angry with those who denied any knowledge of what was done. I am angry they stole my reputation and my self esteem and all the while pretending to be my friend. Not one of them stood up to the perpetrators to defend me or even to tell me what was going on. No I will not speak of it again.

The couch was not a happy place either. I spat the dummy about the 'homework' I had been given and put on the world's biggest temper tantrum. Even thinking about makes me unhappy and also embarrassed that I acted that way. So I am not a nice person to talk to at the moment.

No problem with your chuckles over my knee. These things tend to look funny in retrospect. I love the description and comment about the picture your daughter gave you. Yes I can relate to that. Ah the magic of childhood. It shines more brightly every time we revisit it, no matter how shitty it really was.

I will make this comment about above and re your comment about feeling you cause it all. I did cause it all because I refused to knuckle under to a power control freak who was determined to ruin all that had been worked for by making, shall we say poor decisions and believing he had the right. Yes I stood up to him and got what everyone receives for trying to do the right thing. And three years later it is still going on. I just did not expect him to get away with it. Individuals in the church have a lot to answer for.

Dear Mouse, this is all I can manage at the moment. Please look after yourself.

Mary