Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

[QldMouse]

I’ve been reading these most amazing posts, from people who sound so nice and are suffering so much. Sadly I can relate so much to so many
people. With apprehension can I share some of my story in the hope of getting a reality check and possible advice.

Like so many I had a sad childhood which then turned to fear, shame, loneliness and depression in teenage and young adult years. A partner was found for me, I lacked the courage to ask her out. A short burst of happiness followed with the birth of a truly wonderful daughter who gives me the reason to carry on each day.

Sadly my wife comes with her own inventory of baggage and has suffered depression most of her life. Over our 20+ year marriage
I’ve tried to remain supportive but have done a pretty crap job, and after hitting a low point I started getting therapy. I’m told I’ve made
a lot of progress but I don’t feel it myself.

I’m exhausted, I feel so lost, trapped and alone. I have no friends, no life, and nothing but fear. I’m over the hill, accelerating down the other side with only a few years to go. My wife has sought help in the past but without success, and will not consider counseling or any form of assistance. She remains medicated, but it had an adverse reaction on me. I feel so bad for her and shame that I’m such a rubbish husband.

The therapist I’ve been seeing thinks I should leave and pursue my own path to happiness, but I think she underestimates how much that terrifies me. The fear of being even lonelier than I am now and losing my daughter, the one person that keeps me going, I just can’t cope with that. I still love my wife but our relationship has been poor for a couple of decades. We don’t talk honestly, and she is a bit harsh on me at times. I’m not saying I don’t deserve it, and I understand I’m overly sensitive.

My therapist says that I have qualities that women are looking for, but I am very skeptical. I am paying her to make me feel better
after all. She also underestimates how truly bad I am around women. I have suffered social anxiety since I was young, panic attacks and a morbid fear of women. I literally cannot talk to a woman I like, it is hard enough for me to breath in her presence. I dread to think what they must think of me, my deep breathing is not rudeness it’s an inability to obtain oxygen. Pretty poor prospects really.

I’m lost, can I help my wife? Can I help me? Can I help us or is it really too late? How do you tell?

Thanks for reading, be well everyone.

[White_Rose]

My very dear and kind Mouse. Of course I will do as I am told. Fingernails are as intact as before and I am sleeping well. Thank you for satisfying my curiosity. And many congratulations on the reason for your improved mood. This has made me happy also. (She said as though it had all been her idea.) I can relate to that easing of the chest and the tension lifting. I am truly pleased for both you and your wife. May I suggest you both have a way to go and things to fix up.

I'm not in the habit of picking up people in the street, but I am happy to talk to anyone if they wish. I was on a train one day. The train rushed into the station at top speed then the driver slammed on the brakes and the train stopped in a hurry. The man sitting across the from remarked that the driver was just like his daughter. She drove at top speed until she reached a corner, slammed on the brakes and turned into the other road. I think everyone listening could relate to that.

I had my couch session this morning. It seemed over and done with very quickly and I don't want to be there. I only went because my GP wanted me to go after the events of last year. I know I am OK these days. I haven't got time to be depressed. Anyway I won't be able to afford it next year as it will be back to square one with Medicare refunds and I cannot afford the fees these people charge.

Sounds like you fall over quite often. I would not like to hear my nose being broken. Not keen on any kind of pain. Not happy when the dentist wants to drill holes into my teeth.

Mouse, you are something of a marvel. I have never revealed as much about me as I have in these posts. Now 'fess up, did you use magic, or is it your winning personality? Whatever it is I forget my words can be read by many people and just write. Maybe you should be the champ. You did say you were good at listening.

I have a GP visit shortly. Just a touch base thing. My usual GP returns in a couple of weeks.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Dear Mary,

You are so sweet. You accuse me of some magic come slight of hand, and I was thinking it was you. Actually I'm sure of it. I was on the path in therapy and started writing things down as part of exercises and as I have been emptying my head and heart and what ever place that stinky nasty stuff comes from, It seems to have become easier. My wife has commented that she is amazed the stuff that she has learned about me and that I'm actually sharing with her. I have been pondering that, it does feel like the floodgates have been opened. I may be difficult to shut up now! 🙂 I don't know how you did that but I have heard of transference ...

Yes, there is a lot of work ahead, but doesn't life just seem a lot of work? My life is at least. I need to cling to positivism? and hope.

Thankfully my daughter is a cautious driver, but my wife ... that is what seat belts and air bags were invented for. Got a laugh all right, I'm pretty sure that I was on that train. Shall we do kamikaze bus drivers next?

Oh yes those medicare health plans are a bit short all right. I hear that. It sounds like you have found yourself and it is great that you don't have the time to fret. I am a way from that, but would like to be there. Well done you!!

All the best lovely lady, thinking of you with a smile. All the best of happiness to you and thank you for all your great words and gentle pokes. 🙂

Warm regards

Mouse

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

I've been thinking about your comments.

I am also a bit amazed at some of my sharing and I've been giving it a lot of thought. Caution: about to go all philosophical and thoughtful. Silly for a Friday I know, but we will have the weekend to recover!!

I think we all really do want to share and be part of a family/community, particularly those of us who may not have experienced that in our lives. Maybe that is how "normal" people function, I have no idea.

I think we all long to be understood, certainly we all long to be accepted and wanted. Being understood and finding someone who can relate to our story and situations has a big impact, and I think there comes a tendency to open up and pour out our feelings, trials, fears and other crazy stuff that falls out of our heads. There seems to be a lot of power in understanding and compassion, and being able to share without judgement.

Or I may be completely full of shit, I don't know what the secret sauce contains, but it is very powerful stuff indeed.

Since I am feeling a bit more positive, I think that all people do really want to get on at heart, that is a big statement but I have always thought the best of people. Frequent disappointment notwithstanding, I think people get polluted by their fears. I can see in my own past that I didn't cause the things that were done to me, but other factors set the scene for the hurt I got and my sole contribution was being vulnerable and in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I'd like to think we are making progress as a species in understanding the impact of mental health on people, I can see that is happening. This forum and all the material here is an example right? None of this existed when we were young, there was nothing on the old B&W telle about mental health and awareness. There is a lot more awareness now, and an appreciation of the impact of stress and mental health.

Wouldn't it be great if mental health issues were largely cured in 50-100 years?

Happy thought for Friday after a very long week.


Note to mods: an edit or even delete button for you previous posts may come in handy. Just saying.

[White_Rose]

Hello lovely Mouse

I have always found writing stuff down allows us to look at what is written in a more objective way. Not necessarily completely objectively but there is a difference between thoughts and the written word. Maybe it's because it takes longer to write than it does to formulate thoughts. Also our emotions seem nearer the surface when thinking and often get in the way of rational thought. I know I am more likely to get upset over my thoughts than my writing. Or maybe it's easier to be sorry for oneself.

I love your Caution: about to go all philosophical and thoughtful. Please do, I love philosophical chats.

I agree about the desire to understood, accepted and wanted. When we live without these needs being attended to we are vulnerable to every possible hurt, intended or not. I surprised myself yesterday on the couch by talking about something I had no idea I was going to say. Even more surprised that it sounded lucid and I did not attempt to take back what I had said.

Yes, at heart we all want to love our neighbour I believe but so much crap gets in the way. You are also right about the stuff that happens to us because we are vulnerable to certain things, probably as a result of formative years. And people do not have to be abused or harmed as they grow up to be affected by circumstances. Yes, people polluted by their fears. And being in the wrong place. There is not an intention to harm, but somehow it happens because other people are carrying their griefs and hurts, reacting to their circumstances.

I think we can cure the world between us Mouse.

I often comment that issues around mental illness are being addressed slowly. I would like to think it will happen in my lifetime but I very much doubt it. It's enough to know it's all happening and that I have made a contribution.

Thank you Mouse, you have put the icing on the cake of my day. Met up with my daughter and granddaughter and went lunch. How did your lunch go? I was so pleased to see my granddaughter and to see she had enjoyed herself today. I want to try and get closer to her if I can as I think she is carrying burdens too big for her. My daughter (not granddaughter's mom) agrees with me so we will be putting our heads together over this.

I am so pleased you and your wife are sharing important things in your lives. Every time I read someone is moving along the get-well path I want to sing. Fortunately there is no one here to hear.

MAry

[QldMouse]

Hello lovely Mary,

I hope you have had a wonderful weekend with the fantastic winter weather we have been having. Got out for walk briefly yesterday and it was so nice.

I think you are definitely right about writing and stuff falling out of ones head onto paper or keyboard. I do so relate to over-spill on the couch. Something falls out of your mouth and you see the note being taken ... too late!!

What a concept, to cure the world, nicely. I love the Ghandi quote "Be the change you want to see in the world". I'm a sucker for feel good inspirational quotes, dammit I may be a closet optimist after all. Hmmm.

I think we have made a valuable contribution, we have children (ok you have me beaten hands down on this, 4:1 no contest!!). But the quality of the people we leave behind is our contribution and legacy. Getting all philosophical again....

Thank you Mary, being compared to Icing is truly high praise, what a lovely thing to say!!

Sounds like you have a very worthwhile project there with your granddaughter, my money is on you making a positive impact. No contest.

My own end of week went a bit pear shaped due to work going off the rails, so I had no "me" time in the end. Will have to reschedule when things calm down a bit.

Have a good time singing, me singing causes unfortunate outcomes so I try to avoid it for the greater good.

Have a wonderful week lovely lady.

[White_Rose]

Dear Mouse

Love your reply, but then I always love your comments. My weekend was relatively quiet although I did receive an unexpected invitation to dinner with my friend. I was just thinking about what to cook, especially as grandson was at work, when the phone rang. I don't need to be asked a second time and enjoyed a lovely roast chicken dinner.

I have been feeling a bit down just lately, worrying I think over a difficult decision. I have made the decision, well two decisions really, but I am finding it hard. Even more so as I cannot put them into action for nearly two weeks. I keep reviewing my thoughts and trying to find a different solution but to no avail. So probably letting the mask slip a little and show the real Mary underneath.

Love Ghandi's quote, it reminds me of the radio ad for the Smith Family, Changing the world one child at a time. And since I am being philosophical and deep and meaningful I add this quote. All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. Edmund Burke 1729-1797.

I often use this because too often the reason given for not doing anything is that one person cannot change the world. Well Gandhi and Burke give us a different perspective.

I hope your pear-shaped week ending has been restored to it's proper shape. Singing is good for you. It may not be concert standard but then who cares. You get to expand your lungs which is very good for you. Whether or not other people hear you is immaterial. If they don't like it they can move. The most important aspect is that it makes you feel good. I defy anyone to be unhappy after listening to Bryan Adams Wake up the Neighbourhood.

I am about to go to the hairdresser. Poor soul, she tries so hard to make me look good. I think I am a lost cause.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

Lovely to hear from you as always, I don't quite know what it is about intelligent conversation be it verbal, or written, but if does give your spirits a lift. Reading your messages has given me strength and I think connection, and I really thank you for that. I think your posts are roast dinners on the thread. They both leave you feeling warm and full inside.

Oh Mary, your letting your mask slip? Should I feel like the computer geek lad?

Sounds good that you have made good decisions even without knowing details, I have faith in you and your thought process so I have no doubts there. That wait period is a killer isn't it. It is ok to rethink and check yourself, but after you have made a commitment it does become less useful and moves quickly through second guessing into worry-land. Sounds like a hard decision. If you can't see any other options, and you think there should be, that is the time to bring in friends and get a second or third opinion. We humans rarely see the forest with tree's in the way... I've found going with my gut is usually best. It is way better than my head.

Good luck.

Thank you for the Burke quote, I like it. Seriously thought provoking all right. I had seen it before but having the attribution is nice. I'll research. There are so many quotes around that can inspire, you just have to drag your fingers to Google these days. Easy isn't, I wonder where it will go, if we will all be linked to Google in our heads. That will make for some interesting debates.

My week/s is/are going to take some time to correct themselves. It will be long and hard, and a journey until Christmas I think. That is the way of it. Thanks for the well wish though.

Oh no, singing and I are not happy acquaintances. At our wedding I was accused of putting the priest off. I have stopped Karaoke bars in their tracks. In the public interest, it is better that I do not attempt singing. I have caused outrage with my renditions of Mr Barnes, and Mr Loaf...

Hi hope the hairdresser went well, and I'm sure the results are lovely. At least you have hair, some of us are going for the medieval monk look.

I know you are not a lost cause, but in fact are a leader in the cause. I see you carrying the banner out front while the rest of us follow, some singing, some better not.

[White_Rose]

Dear Mouse

I hope I didn't let anything slip to the computer guy, just the thought makes me go hot and cold. Masks are different and maybe we should let them go a little more often. We can hardly complain we get no help and support if we always present a mask to the world. I am certain my mask slips a little too often.

The last person to say he had faith in me was the psych I saw for several years and who I am going to see next week. My decision was whether or not I would go as I have not seen him for six months and rather nervous about the whole thing. I have talked to a couple of people about it but as they are wise they have left me to make the decision. Damn it, why do they have to be so clever (read smart-a...d)

Singing may not be your forte but if no one hears you then what does it matter? I sing in the car to whatever is on the radio, sing around house either on my own or accompanied by the radio performers or CD stars. Trust me, they all appreciate my participation. I have even been known to dance when I am reminiscing about the days of rock 'n roll. However I do keep that a dark secret.

I have never been likened to a roast dinner before. It's a rather lovely compliment. Thank you. I will never look at a chicken in quite the same way again.

Not sure I would like a debate via google. The information isn't always accurate and I can only talk from my own experience. I hope people never get to the stage of being wired to any electronic system. What a defeat for the beauty and resourcefulness of the human race. We are already reducing our languages to the lowest denominator, swapping the plethora and the ingenuity of the spoken word for the commonplace. Language may well be constantly evolving but the way it is being ignored in favour of bland conversations is criminal. Short pause while I take a cold shower.

Has something major happened in your life during the past week? Dear Mouse, I hope you are OK and able to manage. Is this anything to do with the couch? I thought your next visit is later this week. Oh wait a minute, it's already Thursday. I am so pleased you feel a sense of connection here. It has certainly been a blessing for me. Long may it last.

Saw my GP yesterday and I am about to get ready to go out and do some bits and pieces before my granddaughter arrives. This includes going for a blood test. Oh frabjous day, Callooh! Callay, she chortled in her glee. Don't you love Lewis Carroll?

The hairdresser did a great job.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hello Mary,

Lovely to see you again. I'm sure the computer guy will be just fine.

Oh boy, right of the bat with a thought provoking paragraph eh? Masks, hmm. That is a good point, if you always present a happy, shiny face to the world then how do people know what is really going on. I also know my mask slips, it does not need to drop far to become a noose does it? Like a halo, they don't need to slip far either to throttle you. But what is the alternative, sit in the dark corner crying your eyes out until help arrives? I think that is an express trip to the funny farm and T-shirts with sleeves that tie at the back. Besides, I did that already and people run and hide.

I can tell your worthy of faith by your writing style and content, in my "good old days" I made quite a few remote friendships over great distances on the phone, by letter and after it was invented, by email. Some of these friendships have survived decades and in some cases we have never met. I think in a lot of ways I'm better at a distance, I know the reality and face to face can be disappointing. I'm not good with people in person, never have been. I need my safety gap, but wish I didn't.

Where were we, yes your psych has faith in you, mine has said the same to me. It is a bit hard to accept at times, but she was pretty determined to sink that message in and made sure I received the message. Yours the same? That whole people thinking well of you can be a little difficult to stomach, when you have spent so much time with people thinking and expressing negative opinions it is easier to accept bad vibes than nice vibes. I'm still not sure what to do with good wishes and compliments. I love getting them, but I am not set up to receive and store that strange stuff.

Oh boy I'm off on tangents today eh?!!?. I'm pleased your seeing your psych, Its been a while since I've seen mine now, we are taking a break while the other councilor takes a swing. I've become a believer in getting professional help in the last six months. Its like a shot at psycho lotto isn't it though?

Sometimes I've gone in with a plan and forgotten it at the door and just had a good rant or whinge or pity party. I'm told that is all good and its the getting it out that is important. Yup

You are right about language but your bucking the trend. So glad the hairdresser did a great job. Lewis Carroll? no, not really. Nope.

Wonderful to see you (on line) again, have fun and success with your bits and granddaughter.

Cherrio!!

[White_Rose]

Dear Mouse

Lunch with my granddaughter was great. We also took her brother, the one that lives with me. We went to the restaurant where he is an apprentice chef. Lovely food.

No to Lewis Carroll? Is this our first tiff? 😊 I love his nonsense verse. It lets me be a child again (some people say I never left), and playing with sounds, making up words.

And, as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came

Isn't whiffling a great word? It's a great word picture/onomatopoeia.

I am familiar with haloes slipping. Mine does that regularly but hasn't throttled me yet. We all masks at various times and for different reasons.There's nothing wrong with that per se. It's a courtesy thing quite often, so everyone knows how to use it. For people who have been hurt it's more than a mask, more like a wall and a formidable wall at that. I think we need to make a few windows in it, which is why we have couches. I suspect I have a number of windows but all one-way glass. Time to replace some with see-through glass if I could find the courage.

There is a sense of safety in long distant friendships. You are far less likely to be hurt and you can disconnect easily. On the other hand it is that sense of excitement when you meet up, the familiarity of being with someone you care about and who cares for you, which gives colour, sound, and movement in your life. You know, I'm sure, this quote. Be yourself. Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

I have just realised how many quotes I have been using of late. I wonder if my life is full of clichés. No. Never in a million years.

I have the same difficulty as you with kind words, compliments etc. I feel so unworthy but paradoxically, I get upset if no ever gives me a pat on the back. Tried giving myself a pat but my arms aren't long enough.

How are you going with your 'other woman'? I can see it being hard working with different psychs at the same time. No it's not a shot at psycho lotto. Everyone can win in this process. In Lotto only one person wins and that often causes more grief. Some psychs are better than others I agree, but some clients are better than others. Better meaning determination to get through the horrible parts of their lives and prepared to stay the course.You get out what you put in. Oh dear, off again.

I've been a unwell for a couple of days with a bug, but getting well again now.

Mary