Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

[QldMouse]

I’ve been reading these most amazing posts, from people who sound so nice and are suffering so much. Sadly I can relate so much to so many
people. With apprehension can I share some of my story in the hope of getting a reality check and possible advice.

Like so many I had a sad childhood which then turned to fear, shame, loneliness and depression in teenage and young adult years. A partner was found for me, I lacked the courage to ask her out. A short burst of happiness followed with the birth of a truly wonderful daughter who gives me the reason to carry on each day.

Sadly my wife comes with her own inventory of baggage and has suffered depression most of her life. Over our 20+ year marriage
I’ve tried to remain supportive but have done a pretty crap job, and after hitting a low point I started getting therapy. I’m told I’ve made
a lot of progress but I don’t feel it myself.

I’m exhausted, I feel so lost, trapped and alone. I have no friends, no life, and nothing but fear. I’m over the hill, accelerating down the other side with only a few years to go. My wife has sought help in the past but without success, and will not consider counseling or any form of assistance. She remains medicated, but it had an adverse reaction on me. I feel so bad for her and shame that I’m such a rubbish husband.

The therapist I’ve been seeing thinks I should leave and pursue my own path to happiness, but I think she underestimates how much that terrifies me. The fear of being even lonelier than I am now and losing my daughter, the one person that keeps me going, I just can’t cope with that. I still love my wife but our relationship has been poor for a couple of decades. We don’t talk honestly, and she is a bit harsh on me at times. I’m not saying I don’t deserve it, and I understand I’m overly sensitive.

My therapist says that I have qualities that women are looking for, but I am very skeptical. I am paying her to make me feel better
after all. She also underestimates how truly bad I am around women. I have suffered social anxiety since I was young, panic attacks and a morbid fear of women. I literally cannot talk to a woman I like, it is hard enough for me to breath in her presence. I dread to think what they must think of me, my deep breathing is not rudeness it’s an inability to obtain oxygen. Pretty poor prospects really.

I’m lost, can I help my wife? Can I help me? Can I help us or is it really too late? How do you tell?

Thanks for reading, be well everyone.

[White_Rose]

Hello Mouse

Yesterday was a workshop for my volunteer role in pastoral care. This morning was a visit to someone as part of pastoral care. The other role is in the reading and writing group which I think I told you about. I tend to think about them together as the workshop was arranged by the RAW group people. I did ask for a pay rise last week when I ran a discussion group on my own, and it was approved immediately. It seems volunteers get pay rises very easily.

Yes, I know all about transference. I do it a lot. I am also type II diabetic but I have many moments of eating the wrong things and crossing my fingers. Not too bad on the whole but when I am tired I just eat the nearest thing. A bowl of muesli goes down a treat.

Nic has cooked tea before. He is after all a third year apprentice chef.

I go to the dentist when I have toothache, or when I'm told I need a check-up. Not fond of dentists ever since I had a painful experience at the age of 10. The dentist announced I could go home and appeared not to notice I was in tears. I think the dental nurse found me in the corridor in tears and sent me home. Those were the days. None of this pandering to anyone. I also visit my physio fairly often since the op on my hip. My leg aches and he fixes the pains. Of course if I did my exercises more often it would be useful but where's the fun in that? So tomorrow I visit the physio.

I suppose I do look after myself to some extent. Not good with pain so look for the quickest way out. Not entirely sure how I managed to have four children but I was young and foolish then.

I do like it when someone is concerned about me. Not sure if I should admit it, but it's rather nice to think someone is interested. Doesn't stop me getting embarrassed about it though.

What are the 5 lessons in life from Dr Seuss? I am rather a fan of the good doctor but have not heard of his 5 lessons. Either that or my memory is completely shot.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hello Mary,

I am so impressed, you inspire me. You remind me of a quote. We can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone. --Ronald Reagan

Its really what this forum is all about isn't it? Everyone helping someone and in return getting the joy and warmth from that, and others helping them. I feel kind of hooked. You clearly are lovely lady. 🙂

I'm sure you got a pay rise because you are really worth it, that is it right there.

You are beating me at the "same game", a type 2 no less, me to!! Insulin? such fun. You know the diabetic joke? Life is one little prick after the other. Describes a company I worked for actually. See, I discovered formatting!! Hehe.

Yes there are days my diet is on such a high mountain top and I lack the will and energy to reach it, They make fast food so easy to find don't they. I like muesli too. But you have a budding chef in the family, lucky you!!

Four children, wow sounds like a lot of love right there. You must be so proud.

Ah yes pain, I suffer from that peripheral thingy and that is why I walk so much. My fitness has improved a lot and the pain is all but gone unless I spend some days on a couch and it comes back. If I keep moving the pain goes away, the rat bags are right about exercise. Isn't that annoying!

Yes it is so embarrassing when people show concern and care, I feel I don't deserve it so I tend to back off at speed usually. It is much easier to give compassion than receive it. But it is so nice deep down, I'm just not used to it and struggle to process it.

I'll finish of course with the good doctor. Warmest wishes.

Five lessons from the books of Dr. Seuss:
1 – Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.
2 – Why fit in when you were born to stand out?
3 – You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
4 – Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.
5 – Today I shall behave as if this is the day I will be remembered.

[White_Rose]

You are indeed a wonderful and insightful person Mouse. Thank you for Dr Seuss. I will pin his quote up on the wall with all the others.

Type II yes but managing on pills so far. My GP did 'threaten' me with insulin but I became a reformed character. Started with lots of exercise and extended this to diet (well sometimes). Loved the joke anyway and I must sadly agree with the sentiments.

Yes I love all my children. It's hard to believe who their father is. (Meow) They have provided me with eight grandchildren, the eldest of which was 21 last Wednesday. Small family party at Mt Cootha botanical gardens on Sunday morning. Unfortunately this means I will miss out on attending a writer's circle meeting. This is a group of people who are writing about their experiences in mental health hospitals. So powerful. I am so privileged to have found the group and to be part of it.

Tomorrow I am going to a meditation day at New Farm. I think meditation keeps me so grounded and I need that. Such minor details as housework and washing are very much after thoughts, crammed in when I have the time or inclination. Or when I run out of clean clothes.

Just had a fright. Knock on the front door and I am still in my night clothes. Opened the door to young man announcing he had come to fix my computer. Gasp, shock, horror. I had forgotten, but wait a minute, he was not supposed to arrive until 2:00pm. He re-read his instructions and left hurriedly. Phew! Not keen on dressing etc with a strange man in the house. Now there's a life lesson, get dressed as soon as you get up. However, I must do that now in case I have any more callers. The shower, the washing and the physio call.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

Sorry for the break in transmission, had a bit of a chaotic rollercoaster few days. A couple of deep dips and high peaks but I am back on stable ground now I hope. And making progress, still on the journey but have a lot more hope than I've seen for a long long time.

Thank you for your kind words . I'm glad you like Dr Seuss, I am certainly an addict. I always loved reading the books to my daughter, not sure who got more out of it. Maybe a tie.

Yes the diabetic joke has a sharp point all right, I struggled badly for years on diet and so many pills I rattled when I walked. And kicked and screamed to avoid insulin injections. But once I started I found it improved my quality of life so much, and made balancing my blood so much easier it was a big step forward. I'm now doing an average of just 4 shots per day, and dropped a lot of pills, lost the rattle and the hypers. Yeah you are stabbing yourself in the guts with a sharp object, but you get surprisingly used to it.

It does sound like such a wonderful family you have, obviously a credit to you in spite of that Y chromosome ... LOL and the Kitty.

I'm sorry, I can't keep track of all the groups in your life, I just feel like the deer in the headlights of your brilliance. In awe. I'm actually thinking of joining a (one -single) group to see how it goes.

I got a laugh about your poor visiting nerd, I hope you both recovered. Story comes to mind, a lady I worked with had a mad hyper black kitten she called Lucifer (for obvious reasons) and was interrupted early one morning in her nightie by a pair of young Mormon lads at the door. As the kitten was ripping into the kitchen.

As they started their story she stopped them and started yelling "Lucifer, Lucifer, come here Lucifer". She turned around and they were gone. 🙂

Have a really wonderful week!!

[White_Rose]

Good to hear from you Mouse. I was beginning to wonder what I had done, but my conscience was clear and I decided you needed a rest.

Sorry to hear about the roller coaster. Don't we all know about them. Do you know what triggered this one? I am even more pleased that you feel you have more hope. Yes the journey can be fraught with many obstacles but when we finally admit to ourselves that we are moving forward it is such a wonderful feeling. Great stuff.

I have finally worked out that sugar is bad for me. One biscuit may be OK, but try stopping at one. My dentist pointed out why sugar is bad for my teeth, my physio said it was part of the reason I had cramp in my leg and I'm sure there is no need to repeat what the doctor said. Mainly though I have noticed how the depression rolls in after a sugar fix. So trying to keep to the straight and narrow, at least in theory.

A bit of a let down on Sunday with the party. My granddaughter had a better offer from her friends so the family get together was cancelled. A bit disappointing really as they don't happen as much as they used to. So I went to church at 7:00am with every intention of going to the writer's group but decided I was really tired and spent the day at home. It was good as my grandson went home for the weekend and I had the house to myself. Maybe that was the motivation for not going to the writer's group. I did summon up the sinews and go to the evening service at St Andrews church. That service is so good for me. Met someone who lives near me, which is odd as we both live some distance from the church.

A deer in the headlights of your brilliance. What a lovely thing to say, I think. I want to do so much with my life but there are only 24 hours in the day and I need to sleep. Plus my car keeps needing petrol and it costs money. Would love an electric car but I would worry it would lose its charge when I was miles from anywhere. Gas? Solar? Hmm.

What sort of group are you going to join. Behold me here all agog to know. No changing your mind at the last minute.

Yes the computer guy recovered and came back in the afternoon when I was suitably clothed. He also arrived this morning to install a camera with audio. Now I have got my Skype back. I was telling the ladies who were at my house this afternoon about the guy. I added a couple of details I omitted, in the interests of modesty, in the version you read. They thought it was hilarious.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

No it was certainly not anything that you did. Things got a bit intense for me. We established your a Trekkie (Have you seen Beyond yet?) but are you a real SciFi fan? There is a line in "The day the Earth stood still" (both versions) along the lines of "it is only as we approach the precipice, that we are forced to change" or words to that effect. It only really sunk in the last day, I got a real good look at my precipice and I have made some changes. I am now "fine", where f.i.n.e stands for freaked out, insecure, neurotic, and emotional!!! (I've always like that definition).

Yeah I'm making light of it all and cracking the jokes, but I am really heading in a much nicer direction towards positivism. Still looking for the shortcuts though. Dam human nature. Enough about me, uncomfortable subject.

Sugar is bad, very bad. Didn't you see the Sugar movie? That will scare the lumps out of your tea. I have not had sugar on anything for over 15 years now and feel better for it. The evil stuff does sneak into my system in disguise, but I avoid it like the plague. Oh I do know that sugar hyper though, it hits me like a brick.

Shame about your granddaughter, I'm sad to hear that. Still she is young, and probably trying to have a life. Sounds like you had a real nice day though. And I hear you about electric cars and solar. I was a solar power engineer before can't-do and his anti green government killed off the local solar industry, a bit of a closet greenie really but a solid believer. Would attend the meeting except there are people there. Still working on that.

Yes, the group. My initial burst of courage dissipated. I'm looking at a couple of professional interest groups, very scary concept. That will take a while. So yeah, I did change my mind. maybe next month.

I'm glad everyone recovered from the computer visit, and nobody suffered. Nice to know.

I hope you week is going well.

Best regards.

[White_Rose]

Dear Mouse

So lovely to hear from you. Yes, sugar does sneak when you're not looking. I have not had sugar in tea or coffee for many a year, eat cereal without additional sugar (Weetbix). Actually I have been making myself smoothies for breakfast and find it lasts the morning quite. Banana plus strawberries and a mixture of blueberries, raspberries, paw paw when in season (and cheaper), plus milk and an egg. Most folk shudder when I say this but you cannot taste the egg. Is that OK?

My second daughter and me are going to see my granddaughter on Friday. We will take our presents and take her out to lunch. Unfortunately her mom will be at work so cannot join us. So girls do lunch. Sounds good to me.

Am I a real sci-fi fan? Well I definitely used to be. Haven't seen Beyond yet. Usually the family get together on these occasions and go en masse. This is followed by light refreshments in the cafe and we discuss how good or otherwise the film, and whether it stuck to the book, or in this case, followed the overall story. Then we can go home having provided entertainment for everyone sitting at the nearby tables.

So to answer your query, I did not see that film, The Day the Earth Stood Still, which I presume was taken from a story in the Old Testament. However I do know the quote but not as accurately as you. It's true, as we approach the precipice we start to look at ourselves a little closer.

Mouse I would love it if you were a little better than 'fine'. I also said that 15 years ago when I saw my psych. It probably meant the same then. I got the impression that something specific had happened. This is because I saw your post to Hope4joy and I was curious. If you feel a bit wary joining a professional interest group, have you thought about... I will leave this unfinished sentence because it shows the perfidy of my brain. Just cannot remember what I was going to suggest. No doubt I will remember as I close down the computer.

I have a solar hot water system and solar panels on my roof. Does that make me green or just someone trying to pay fewer or smaller bills? It does work.

OK, need to run away now. Try and finish my sentence will you. I'm sure there are lots of options.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

Way better than OK, your smoothie sounds magnificent!! Great work, and I understand the binding work of eggs. I like eggs, and I also get strange looks all the time. There are probably many, many, many reasons for that though. Good news about the sugar, all things in moderation eh?

Good luck with the girls lunch, I am going for a boys lunch now. A friend I was afraid I had lost, but we will see. Just getting out will be nice.

Haha, I won't make any comment on Beyond until its past muster with the critic club, it is rather nice that you all provide entertainment to your fellow diners. How caring and sharing.

There was some religious undertones in the 1951 version of the day the earth stood still, and quite a bit of controversy at the time (long story, 2500 characters ...) but virtually none in the 2008 remake. Just honking big robots and apocalyptic aliens in there. 🙂 There is a strong message, hope humanity gets the message through its thick head.

Fine, great line. Oh boy Mary, you do get around and don't miss much do you? I may have thought about ... I know for sure I have panicked about ... and ... :-). I need to work up to it, the main drawback of joining a group and going to the meetings is that there are people there. Have yet to figure a way around that issue. Seriously I am getting out a bit more and trying to talk to random people. Yes, therapist at work. Yes only half kidding, using humor as camouflage again.

Still mainly positive, long way to go, one stumble at a time and there are big hills. The journey of a thousand steps does start by tripping over the front step and landing on your face doesn't it? Does for me.

I'm glad you are a good closet greenie, your not only saving money but you are saving the emviroment for your grandkids. Well done you!!

Hope your run was good, got to go do mine now.

All the best.

[White_Rose]

So you haven't thought of a different organisation I gather. And my brain has completely let me down. I had the perfect place for you and it's just vanished. I'll let you know when (if) it returns.

Mouse, you realise I am gnawing my fingernails to the bone with avid curiosity. What has happened that has made you so much more happy? You do realise I am losing sleep over this. While I am very pleased that are feel so much better I would like to know why. Still, if it's a secret I won't ask again. Sigh.

How was the boys lunch and the meeting with your friend? All sorted, kissed and made up? My ladies home group was discussing the nature of forgiveness and love on Monday. I say that to impress you with the depth of our conversations. We also tell funny stories. One of the conclusions we came to re forgiveness was that we did for ourselves, not make others comfortable which is sometimes difficult no matter our motives as the 'other' has died.

We also need to forgive ourselves. A bit like the thread on loving yourself before you can love others. And it's true. If we do not forgive ourselves then what's the point of trying to live a good life? I don't say we should forget our past mistakes and I certainly believe we must learn from them. But if we are constantly getting uptight with ourselves for past wrong doing we have no time to make the present the best we can, both for ourselves and others. It must be late, I do declare I am getting philosophical. Yesterday is the past and tomorrow is the future. Today is a gift, that's why we call it the present.

You certainly have a different take on the start of the journey of a thousand steps. Tripping over the front step eh? I do believe Bilbo Baggins started his journey by running out of his hobbit hole without a thought or care. So it must work sometimes.

Tomorrow I have a visit to the psych lined up. Then a visit to my GP. That's my social life wrapped up. Well, except for the lunch on Friday. The family have no objection to others joining the discussion. When I was walking to the office one day with a fellow employee who shared my train journey, I commented about the need to sell my car and get something less expensive. A chap walking behind us said he would buy it for his daughter. I must admit to being surprised but then realised he was not serious. He just wanted to chat.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

I need to start small and limit the potential for anxiety, panic and well a non-positive outcome. I have many ideas and even more reservations. I'm really sorry you are loosing sleep, please don't I feel really bad about that. It is definitely not worth the insomnia and loss of fingernails. Please.

My influx of happiness and relief is an agreement with my wife and the turnaround from where we were heading. It is a journey, but each day we are making progress and my chest relaxes a bit more. I know I have a lot of me to fix yet, and I'm not alone. But the main thing is suddenly I feel less alone and more confident. peeww, that took a bit.

Boys lunch is Friday (Tomorrow) and we won't be going that deep, "how about them Bronco's eh?" etc, hoo rah.

Forgiveness. What is the saying, to err is human but to arr is pirate? No that is not it, I'll get there. My you are philosophical, have you found out what causes that? I did love that phrase, I like presents.

Yes, I keep being told I have a different take on a lot of things. I've often felt I am just visiting this strange planet.

Good on Bilbo, power two him. I have a pretty smashed in nose from landing on hard surfaces. Did you know when you fall on your face you can actually hear your nose break and that a skull usually bounces? I can assure you that is accurate.

Sounds like you are a lovely person to talk with, I had figured that, but to pick up people on the street for a chat is quite something.

Next close encounter of the therapy kind is mid next week, but until then I really appreciate your dialog.

Please ease up on your fingernails and get the proper amount of sleep, be kind to yourself and I'll do the same. Deal?