Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

[QldMouse]

I’ve been reading these most amazing posts, from people who sound so nice and are suffering so much. Sadly I can relate so much to so many
people. With apprehension can I share some of my story in the hope of getting a reality check and possible advice.

Like so many I had a sad childhood which then turned to fear, shame, loneliness and depression in teenage and young adult years. A partner was found for me, I lacked the courage to ask her out. A short burst of happiness followed with the birth of a truly wonderful daughter who gives me the reason to carry on each day.

Sadly my wife comes with her own inventory of baggage and has suffered depression most of her life. Over our 20+ year marriage
I’ve tried to remain supportive but have done a pretty crap job, and after hitting a low point I started getting therapy. I’m told I’ve made
a lot of progress but I don’t feel it myself.

I’m exhausted, I feel so lost, trapped and alone. I have no friends, no life, and nothing but fear. I’m over the hill, accelerating down the other side with only a few years to go. My wife has sought help in the past but without success, and will not consider counseling or any form of assistance. She remains medicated, but it had an adverse reaction on me. I feel so bad for her and shame that I’m such a rubbish husband.

The therapist I’ve been seeing thinks I should leave and pursue my own path to happiness, but I think she underestimates how much that terrifies me. The fear of being even lonelier than I am now and losing my daughter, the one person that keeps me going, I just can’t cope with that. I still love my wife but our relationship has been poor for a couple of decades. We don’t talk honestly, and she is a bit harsh on me at times. I’m not saying I don’t deserve it, and I understand I’m overly sensitive.

My therapist says that I have qualities that women are looking for, but I am very skeptical. I am paying her to make me feel better
after all. She also underestimates how truly bad I am around women. I have suffered social anxiety since I was young, panic attacks and a morbid fear of women. I literally cannot talk to a woman I like, it is hard enough for me to breath in her presence. I dread to think what they must think of me, my deep breathing is not rudeness it’s an inability to obtain oxygen. Pretty poor prospects really.

I’m lost, can I help my wife? Can I help me? Can I help us or is it really too late? How do you tell?

Thanks for reading, be well everyone.

[QldMouse]

Very dear Mary,

I'm going to try hard with the 'a' thing and not using the 's' word, I was once told I'm a compulsivley appologetic and a therapyst several ago once counted up how many times I used the 's' work. A lot of the time it is uncocious now. I need to practice that again.

Wow, that thread of Petra's. Comparing is my thing to, and a belief that I don't deserve happiness or love. I'm strugling with that.

Thank you for your thoughts, my therapst says that I'm posting here with at least two women proves I can communicate. It is different from in real life of course, but she said that is not as big a transition as I think. I have actually managed to exchange words more with women but it is very hard. I do feel significant anxiety (aka terror!!!).

You have two sessions, that could be great, more progress!?!

I was initially the one pushing the couples therapy and it took so many years to get my wife to go. Then that idiot we saw shot any chance I had of getting progress down for over five years. My wife suggested this one after I had a really bad few days, she is pretty over me I think. The guy is clearly experienced, and I know its early days.

My head keeps spinning around the comparing thing, I struggle with that.

"recovering perfectionist" made me laugh and almost cry. Nice to know I'm not alone in that.

Be well, thank you so much for being you.

[White_Rose]

Dear Mouse

Just returned from the psychiatrist. Wow I actually said that. I hate admitting it.

Anyway we were talking about people who are depressed and their sensitivities. This was quite a long conversation and reasonably complicated because I find it difficult to use the word sensitive in relation to me. Anyway (again), she told me about research on the genetics of depression and how some people are more prone to depression because of their genetic make-up. People who have more sensitivity (or to use my words, thin skinned), tend to get depressed because they take things to heart more easily. This is not a good thing when it leads to depression. However (to change the first word), it is those sensitive (thin skinned) types who are the best listeners, who are more empathic, etc. It is to quote my psych "It is a two edged sword".

Now apply that to your own life Mouse. I did that in the session. It grated a little but I remember I said something like this not long after I started to write on BB. Then it was just my opinion based on my observations. (Pause for applause). So it's not all bad.

Now Mr Mouse, just take that to heart. You are a good listener, have great empathy skills and don't try to be the overbearing type. Read your MBTI for more great attributes. It seems there is an upside to depression.

Love your post. You know of course that I will document any and all "a" and "s" words. Talking to ladies is great. I get a lot of enjoyment out of it. On the other hand I find men rather intimidating. Not had good experiences with them. Talked a bit about that this morning.

Petra is great! I love her humour and yes "recovering perfectionist" has made a hit with quite few people I believe. You are both INFP people so I imagine you would get along together. Communicating with women by forum is not all that different to communicating by mouth. We are rather nice people and would not dream of hurting a mouse.

You know it's early day with the couples couch. I want you to stay positive and upbeat because good things will happen. I said that to a friend of mine yesterday morning when he dropped in to raid my CD collection. I commented that if all the bad things re church had not happened I would not be doing the things I now do. Hope that makes sense. And you what? I am a great deal happier and comfortable with what I do now. Karma is the word.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

Lovely to see you online again, I am glad to hear you got some good couch time. I too have gone to great lengths to avoid admitting I have been seeing professionals of the physco variety. In past work excuses it may have sounded like I was working my way through an index of medical practitioners ...

The two edged sword discussion, yep had that one. My lovely couch lady commented that I (we, us, our kind of folks ...) actively listen, and absorb and remember, we question to check understand seems to be the "active" part, but the point is we are disposed to really listening. And it seems most people don't listen. Good on you for connecting the empathy dots, well done you!! . 🙂

I just knew I could count on you to take up the "a" and saying "s" challenge. I have that now on one of a couple of file cards I write affirmations, useful phrases etc on. You poem about walking into the pot hole is on one. What can I say, I'm old school but I do also have them on my iPhone so ...

As you would expect, I really understand and sympathies about talking to men. Hey, I'm one so there you go!! There are a whole lot of men I'd rather not talk to either, and the whole way so many men treat women is very disturbing. I'm disgusted the way some men blame a rough childhood on the way they assault women, it is bullshit. On dear, I ranting but I any anoyed now. It is a choice, everything is a choice, I chose to not pass on generations of abuse to my child and that is a core value I hold dear. Men beating up women is the same, it is a choice and I doubt that it actually makes them feel better. Its like all the BS around trying to excuse rape, there is only one cause of rape, some weak willed a-holes conscious choice to do it do some poor innocent lady. Period.

I hope I'm not out of line or censored, I decided to leave the rant in so you and maybe your friends know that not all men feel that way, but some do. I had very few male influences growing up, was never one of the boys, but my loving Nana had a partner who was a real rough diamond. One thing he said to me has stuck.

He said "A man should treat women as you would have other men treat your daughter".

That did stick with me but really hit home when I had a daughter, OMG did it hit home. Especially as I struggled through her teenage years. I survived, she has great strength and values.

I need to go walk some frustration off, be happy safe and dry. I love the wet weather.

[White_Rose]

Not raining at my end of town Mouse. Thank you for your lovely words and comfort. I don't dislike men in general, just the few that make life hell for others. Physical violence and rape are only two of the weapons they use. Glad to read your rant but I know you are one of the good guys. Don't forget your white hat when out riding the range.

I have another thread for you to check out. It's in Staying Well/Do you love yourself by Blond Guy. I would really like to know what you think of this. No comment from me until you have read it.

I am so pleased you made the choice not to pass on your bad childhood experiences. I suspect that these choices are passed on by others because they don't realise there are other choices, or because they have been so traumatised that they are incapable of managing their (very justifiable) anger. And where else can they learn except at home. Yes, it's not really an excuse I agree Without being a goody I find the best way for me is to forgive them. In fact I have been doing a lot of work on forgiveness lately. Not for the sake of the person/people I try to forgive, but for my peace of mind and sanity. If I can learn to take some hurt out of my life it will be good. Forgetting is a different matter.

I also survived my children's' teenage years. I think parents should be awarded a medal for this. But the best part is when said children have their own offspring and start bemoaning their troubles. I usually make a smart a..e reply that I wonder what they would do with four children to care for. My 2nd daughter usually laughs and changes the subject. She has two children and her sister has one child. I can't say that to my youngest son as he has five children. I did ask him once if he knew what caused it but he just gave me a withering look and didn't reply. 😊

I went to the 7:00 am service this morning. Well I usually do. Anyway I was invited to breakfast at a friends home afterwards. Very nice to be given bacon, eggs, tomatoes and baked beans, plus coffee and toast. Is that OK? I have not had lunch because I am too full up. Now don't scold me, I may have a piece of fruit shortly.

And talking of today, I have had a relaxed day. Spent the morning scrapbooking while you were walking. Thought I had best check in to BB before I try and print some photos for the next couple of scrapbook pages. And my virtue has been rewarded by reading your post. 😊

I think the only other thing I will do for the rest of the day is cook tea.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Ok, I'm back better now. Not quite a walk but the dishes are done, the washing is well on its way, the place is tidy and I did go out. What is it with that blue sky and sunshine rubbish?!?! We were promised a wet Sunday and I was so looking forward to that. Call the cops, we was robbed!!



I have to take you (gently) to task for your comment from the previous post, communicating with women by forum is a lot different to communicating by mouth and being in the presence of a woman. I understand some women are rather nice people and would not dream of physically hurting a mouse, but the physical presence of a woman is far different. I don't know if I can explain it.

I'll leave the white hat on the shelf in the shop I think, as fired up as I get at injustice in general, and bullying in particular, a lot of good it does me. In fact defending people has done me damage at work several times, I'd like to believe in Karma but I'd love to see some evidence. Years of experience has proven conclusively that nice guys do finish last, the old saying is true.

It does sound like you have a wonderful rich family, I'm sure it has its ups and downs but has the rewards as well I hope.

It also sounds like you had a great Sunday and did eat very well, good on you!! 🙂

I will go have a look at the thread from Blond Guy, no comment on the title. I'll report later.

Meanwhile I hope you have a wonderful start to a brilliant week.

[White_Rose]

Thanks Mouse

I don't mind being told, really and truly, when it's done in the lovely gentle way you say it. I suppose we all see the world and it's various components in our own way. I do find it difficult to talk to men and usually resort to my standby flippancy. Doesn't make a good impression and I feel stupid. It would have better to if I had accepted your difficulty in the same way I know I have a difficulty. No I'm not using the 'a' word.

I think karma is a catch-all comment to help us resolve our difficulties with why it seems some people have a better time than others.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

Thank you for the link to the "love yourself" thread. My word you do get around all the best threads, I am so impressed. I struggle to find the time and words.

I so understand flippancy, you are stealing my coping mechanisms now.

Interesting comment on karma, yes I think your right of course. I cling to the hope that doing the right thing will return some positivity. I think you just have to, otherwise what a worse world it would become.

Very tired sorry, will come back tomorrow.

Be happy and healthy

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

I so hope your week is traveling well, and the sun is shining on you. Nothing much to report here, just working and working and etc. Over the hump now, but therapy tonight so got the jelly belly going on for no good reason.

Warm smiles to you lovely lady.

[White_Rose]

Mouse, your message was just what I needed after a long day. I went to a day long workshop and came home pooped. My grandson asked if I was thinking of cooking tea and for one heart-stopping moment I thought he was going to offer. But it appears he ate well at work and was not hungry. Fortunate as I am too tired to even think of cooking. Aaah, just realise I have given you the opportunity to lecture me about eating. I have eaten quite well, just tired. Visit to the dentist tomorrow afternoon after my other volunteer role. I wonder how much difference it would make if I got paid.

Take care of yourself Mouse.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

I'm so pleased if I brought a smile to your face in the same way you bring one to mine. Thank you for that, I also need something positive.

Sounds like your busy life continues at high speed, my hat is off to you young lady!! I can just hear the shock in your words, your grandson cooking ... what a heart stopper!! I can relate to that, I am very much challenged in the kitchen. Such a strange, dangerous and scary place.

I now appreciate you take excellent care of your feeding, sorry for the lecture. I'm a diabetic so food is a challenge for me and I am overly sensitive, and I was worried about you which is probably transference since I do such a rubbish job on myself. Did you like "transference"? yes, that is a relatively new psychiatrist induced word in my vocabulary. Had to google it quite a bit to understand.

Your "other" volunteer role? how many do you have? or shouldn't I ask? You are so giving lovely lady. You put me to shame. How much difference? probably not much, I doubt they could afford what you are truly worth 🙂

The dentist eh? another sign you take care of yourself. I applaud you as an inspiration.

I was just seeking inspiration, have you ever seen the 5 lessons in life from Dr Seuss?