Chronic suicidality

[Idontevenknow]

Hi everyone,

I have had chronically suicidal for over two years. It has led to a few attempts and hospitalisations. I'm currently receiving treatment/therapy but it's a long process. Its kind of getting tough because unfortunately you can't just pause life. I'm under a lot of stress from school (zillions of grade 12 assessments), my anxiety has skyrocketed and I'm trying to continue functioning as a normal human being despite being very depressed. Does anyone have any tips on how to keep going in those times between treatment and living a relatively normal life or just with dealing with chronic suicidality in general?

Thanks heaps

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix and Sarah,

Long time no see. I'm sorry for being inactive! Life has been crazy. I'll give you an update in as little words as possible. I finished TAFE and became an Assistant in Nursing. I got a job in an aged care home and worked there for about 3 months. I got my drivers license which was very cool. I have actually moved to the city now by myself and I'm living alone in student accomodation while studying at university. I'm also 19 now eek. I have got over 10 000 followers on TikTok now and so many friends made from that which I'm very grateful for.

Now a mental health update, after my last post I had a further 4? I think admissions. December I unfortunately tried to take my life again. I hit a very low point in my life after that and "gave up" on life I guess and turned to things like alcohol to get me through. Things turned around a bit in February when I moved out but were still pretty tricky. I was officially fully diagnosed with BPD in December and that got pretty bad in terms of self destructive behaviour but I'm handling that ok now. I have also been diagnosed with atypical anorexia which led to a hospital admission in April, but I'm being validated and receiving help for that soon. Getting help here has been a nightmare, its taken me 6 months to find people willing to help but it's all seems to be slowly getting sorted now thankfully.

I'm just very happy that despite everything that's happened over the past few months I've come out the other end bruised and battered but okay.

How are you going? I hope things have been okay!

Regards,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear 19 year old EEK! Hannah~

As you say it has been a while and I'm more than pleased to hear from you. I did wonder at the silence but that's just fine, you post when you feel the need and I'm drinking in your news. The main thing is you have made all the right decisions.

A license, finishing TAFE (you never thought you would), then a nursing job and now uni - terrific.

So how do you feel living alone - is that OK? Can you say what you are studying?

Yes I understand you might have had an attempt, plus hospitals and hurting yourself and alcohol, but you have made it so far, and from what you say may finally have a team to help you. With the anorexia please listen to what they say -then follow their advice. It's dangerous and you are too important to lose.

You actually said you were happy to have survived, even if battered a bruised. That's a wonderful thing to hear and you sound more mature. I guess 19 is a pretty good age to look at things.

I've no idea what it means to have 10,000 followers on TikTok, but if it means friendships I'm all for it.

Your friend

Croix

[Croix]

おかえりなさい

[Aaronsis]

Hi Hannah

It is so wonderful to hear all the brilliant news that you have posted, but more than that, these are achievements that you did not believe you were ever capable of..and here you are, living alone, working, studying, living a life that at one point you had questioned keeping. I am so beyond proud of you, I really am, you have done so well to create a life that you love and that you are successful in and this is just...well..I actually don't have a word as brilliant and wonderful are just not enough.

Thank you for stopping in and sharing this news with us, I think of you often and your post made my day.

I am sorry though that you did have another attempt, but I am proud you can acknowledge it, be open to share that that is the space you were in at that time in December, but mostly that you have risen and become stronger. This journey was bloody hard, and you have pushed through, at every admission to clinics, at every appointment where you felt unheard, at times when you felt so much pain and sadness....and here you are thriving.

Your story is not too different to Jaz's, we have chatted about this before, maybe in time there is a chance for you to write a collection of your life and your struggle but your bravery and your ability to turn it around...as this provides HOPE to others, possibility to others that they too can get well.

It is so great to hear from you and please drop us a line from time to time as you think of us....oh..please send me the first copy of your book...lol

Hugs

Sarah xxx

[Idontevenknow]

Hello Croix,

Living alone was obviously a risky decisions to make considering I went from practically being monitored constantly and having a lot of things out fo my control like access to harmful things but it was a risk worth taking. Quite a few people had their concerns (understandably) about me moving out but I worked really hard December to February to prove to them I could do it. It's been pretty good, I really enjoy having a sense of independence. At times it gets a bit lonely because I'm pretty much living alone but other than that its been ok.

I'm studying a Bachelor of Health Sciences but considering switching to nursing next year. The course I'm studying at the moment is good but likely requires further postgrad study to get very far in my career so I think I'd prefer something sooner and a bit more hands on. I finally finished my first semester today so I'm exhausted but glad I did it (don't think I passed but I tried my best).

At the moment my symptoms have been all over the place so tricky for a single service to manage. I'm grateful that at the moment I'm with a community mental health team as well as an eating disorder team. I'm in a psychotherapy program for a few months and have a short-term support worker. I just started a new med too after being off all meds for nearly 6 months, we shall see how it goes. It did take a lot of blood, sweat and tears getting help, I was told many times that I "wasn't sick enough", or "too complex and severe" or even "there's nothing more we can do for you".

I'm still torn on the surviving thing, I'm just happy I'm not in as much pain and constant crisis.

What have you been up to?

Thanks,

Hannah

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sarah,

Thank you so much for your kind words, it means a lot 🙂

I most certainly did not think I'd make it to this point in my life. Moving out and away from my hometown have helped me develop my identity a bit more and be myself as much as I can. I always thrived on independence ever since I was young so I think that's been helpful.

I've still gone through some crappy times since moving to Brisbane with my BPD symptoms getting very out of hand, my anxiety peaking (to be expected with all the changes), my worst relapse in my eating disorder and recently some sort of psychosis (no one knows what's happened but we're working on it). I think I'm a lot better at coping with it all now and can sit better with some difficult feelings.

I would love to write a book haha, maybe one day I'll get to it. I'll be sure to send you both a copy 🙂

Hope you and your family are well!

Thanks,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

I suspect you are a very brave and sensible person. Being at home with everything medical set up and to hand, plus the company of others (both a good and a not so good thing). It might have been a safety net you really required, however I'm getting the feeling you have grown, and although still beset with difficulties are coming to rely upon yourself as well as others.

Even you battle you won to get proper medical resources is an indicator of this, and if you had downtimes on the way that is not more than could be expected considering the stress, fear and worry moving out can cause you.

Doing the 3 year course will seem long enough as it is, and once complete opens up a vast array of opportunities in all sorts of fields, there will be at leat one to suit you. You may surprise yourself and pass, if not try again, you have the brains for sure, maybe getting settled into your new life is needed too.

Have you had a chance to make any new friends at uni?

If you did write a book, and honest and detailed one, it would be something of great value, however I think that is a project for well into the future when you can look back, remembering but not being triggered or becoming unduly distressed.

As for me, I've just had a week off to do some study on sorts of distress. Does not sound that great but I study so I can understand people better when writing posts.

Take care

Croix

[Aaronsis]

Hey Hannah

Thank you so much for asking after me, I am doing really well and have just spent the weekend celebrating my son's 17th birthday....I am actually gob smacked at how quickly the years go by. I am doing really well and things are going pretty awesomely for me! July is around the corner so just getting a bit mentally prepared for that as I have both my brother's and my mum's anniversaries.

I am so proud that you have found "Hannah" and that moving out has let you see who you are, that you can thrive on your independence and being on your own, how fantastic is that!

As people who have a past relationship with ill mental health, there will be good days and bad days and things to consider and checking in with ourselves to make sure we are going well, I think that is just the nature of what taking care of ourselves looks like. Knowing how we are feeling, or what we are thinking, being able to know when it is time to reach out, or time to just enjoy and push the pause button on thinking about thinking!

I am so proud you have been getting some support around your ED. That you know that even though relapses do happen, that you see that there is help, there is support and that things to get better, you know this stuff now and you have managed it and can see how you are able to cope and have the difficult things happen and to move through them, WOW...you have grown in so many ways Hannah!

I think that you will make some sort of dint in this space. Whether it be a book or some public speaking or blogging your way to sharing your journey, to letting others know they are not crazy or weird or alone. That tough times happen to good people, tough times happen to anyone who is human, and that there is a path of support and there is a path to move forward on.

I remember so many nights when we would be up and posting all through the night and just chatting so that you could make it through the night. I am in absolute awe of your strength, your courage and mostly for choosing to stay, when times were so damn hard. I could not have said these things to you back then, but feel that you are much wiser and much stronger now and that your fragility is somewhat tougher.

I am so proud of you Hannah, I can't wait to hear what is next for you..you will do great things..you just will..you are Hannah!

Hugs as always

Sarah xxxxx

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

Thank you! I am trying my best and to be honest however badly I'm doing at the moment/have been the past few months, I think has been better then what it would have been staying with my parents. I was stuck in a very dark hole there.

The three year course could be good and if I do it I think I'd continue on to do either medicine or a masters degree in something like occupational therapy or public health or something like that. But then again I think I could do something like that after nursing too so not too sure, I get my results tomorrow I think from semester 2 so I'll see how I go.

It's been a bit tricky making friends because most of my classes were online last semester. I made a few through group assignments and things but probably made more friends through my socialising with friends of friends and pushing myself out of my comfort zone. Next semester most of my classes are in-person and I think I'm going to join some clubs so hopefully I can make more friends!

The book will be a good time into the future, at the moment on focussing on continuing to share my experiences humorous and not on TikTok.

Sounds pretty interesting! IS the distress you're learning about something to do with DBT and the things you learn with that?

Thank you,

Hannah

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sarah,

I'm so glad to hear that you're doing well! Happy belated birthday to your son! Time does move incredibly fast.

I hope you will make it through July ok, anniversaries of significant times can be so hard. Recently I had an anniversary of my most life-threatening suicide attempt and that was a very hard day. My birthday was also very tricky and unfortunately spent in hospital getting tube fed. Despite being in hospital, having so many nurses and drs around me was actually a really supportive environment so I'm grateful for that. Take care of yourself next month ❤️

Thank you for all your support over this time and motivational words helping me through. Is great having this supportive space. It's still been hard but in a different way. Luckily seems less life-threatening though. A lot of the symptoms I used to experience forefront have become easier to manage now I think. One step at a time.

I really enjoy being able to help others even in the slightest.

Warm regards,

Hannah