Chronic suicidality

[Idontevenknow]

Hi everyone,

I have had chronically suicidal for over two years. It has led to a few attempts and hospitalisations. I'm currently receiving treatment/therapy but it's a long process. Its kind of getting tough because unfortunately you can't just pause life. I'm under a lot of stress from school (zillions of grade 12 assessments), my anxiety has skyrocketed and I'm trying to continue functioning as a normal human being despite being very depressed. Does anyone have any tips on how to keep going in those times between treatment and living a relatively normal life or just with dealing with chronic suicidality in general?

Thanks heaps

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sarah,

I’m very sorry about the late reply, I have been crazy busy all week with graduation stuff. I really like the quote you mentioned, I think I’ve heard it before but it’s a good reminder to take risks and challenge yourself. I like it a lot. I find my fav quote kinda works in a similar way because I use it when I’m not sure if I can face the world and it’s challenges.

My week was really good it was full of a lot of graduation activities like my formal and my final graduation ceremony as well as some partying and a nose piercing. My anxiety was pretty high but I was kinda happy actually. I have to record certain emotions for my DBT diary card and this week was the first time that happiness was above a two. My next week is also pretty busy, I’m going on two Schoolies trips with a few different groups of friends then I will finally be able to catch up with my DBT therapist and my case manager afterwards next Friday.

I am very very excited for my puppy. I received a video to the other day which was very cute.

Talk soon,

Hannah

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

I’m so sorry about the late reply. I’m not sure what will work for me but hopefully this new psychiatrist will help figure things out maybe with some of the things you mentioned. I guess it’s about treating it like any other illness, it’s just hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Nothing is work so far I don’t see how anything will.

I’m fine at the moment because I have a lot of things going on to keep me distracted and give me reasons not to do anything right now but eventually I don’t know what’s going to happen.

I’VE GRADUATED!! I have survived this year somehow and that’s crazy. There are a lot of happy and sad tears at my graduation ceremony but I’m glad it’s over. I’ll miss my friends and the teachers and supportive environment but I know there are a lot of better things out there for me now and I’m very excited to see what they are.

Thanks for all of the advice,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

I'm glad school is now over and was thinking about your words:

"I have survived this year somehow and that’s crazy"

Congratulations!. Also I think that as some stage in the past you did not think you would ever reach this stage. Now you have, and that is an unexpected experience and will hopefully get you to reflect that maybe there is a life for you in the future, and that it can be good.

Please let us know how you get on

Croix

[Aaronsis]

Hey Hannah

No sorry's for the late reply, you are off doing awesome things and that is so much more important, wow you have graduated....CONGRATULATIONS....that is so fantastic and I am so happy for you and so very proud of you. You have been through a really tough time while studying this year and you have come out the other side now....and you did it, well done!

I was so very happy to read that you have been feeling happy and that you got to write a higher score than 2...brilliant, and a nose piercing as well...a huge week of fun and happiness for you and that is so wonderful.

I had a huge smile on my face at the thought of a video of Winnie..adorable...I can't wait to hear all about it when she finally joins your family.

Well been a crazy day for me today so I am off to eat a well deserved caramello koala...lol..the answer to all life's problems...lol

Chat soon Hannah

Sarah

[Idontevenknow]

Hello Croix,

Once again sorry for the late reply I was at a schoolies event for a few days. It was a lot of fun!

I definitely didn’t think I’d make it to this point in my life at all. In fact it was my goal not to make it to this point and it was a bittersweet moment graduating because in a way I failed my goal of dying, but I proved my negative thoughts wrong by making it through. I remember over two years ago beginning to have suicidal thoughts and planning to end everything by the start of 2018 but here I am at the end of 2019 still holding on, I don’t know how that’s happened.

I’ve been reflecting back on my experience at school, but mainly this year, and how everything has gone. It’s interesting how much has happened in just one year. If I could survive this year I can survive any year to come I think. I’ve grown so much as a person especially in my high school years and even though I hate depression with a passion it’s taught me a lot of things that I wouldn’t have learnt without it. It’s what I’ve written my English valedictorian speech about so I might show my therapists, I don’t know.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sarah,

Once again sorry for the late reply as I said to Croix, I was at a schoolies thing for a few days.

Thank you for your kind words about graduating. It still hasn’t really sunk in. I’m just very glad it’s over.

I’ve definitely been having a lot of fun and feeling good over the past week or two despite not seeing either of my therapists for few weeks now. I just hope I don’t crash back down.

I have definitely been having a lot of fun and feeling good over the past week or two despite not seeing either of my therapists for few weeks now. I just hope I don’t crash back down. The past few days I went to a camping kind of schoolies with a bunch of my grade and it was a lot of fun. I’m going to stay in a hotel overnight with two other friends soon too as another graduation celebration.

I’m sure that Caramello koala was well-deserved.

Thanks,
Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hanna~

I'd realy been hoping you would say somethng like

If I could survive this year I can survive any year to come I think. I’ve grown...

Because it is true, though often hidden and not realized. I learned it, and it has helped though out the rest of my life, I have survived, so I will survive again.

It get a lot easier in time, the thoughts come, but are dealt with almost with confidence.

I'm sure your valedictorian speech will resonate with some - and have the lucky ones scratching their heads. If you give even one a scrap of comfort it will be worthwhile.

As you mentioned to Sarah, the may be more down times, mine can come in waves, but again the confidence you have survived before helps.

You are indeed growing. Now have some fun:)

Croix

[Aaronsis]

Hi Hannah
I am so very very happy that you have been doing some fun things and that you are having a really nice time and feel happy, I am thrilled in fact, you so deserve it and I am glad that you have let yourself feel the love and friendship of those around you too. It is also a positive thing too that despite not seeing your therapists that you have been feeling good, this too is fantastic.
This year has been a tough one for you no doubt about that, you have climbed a huge mountain and are now at the top, school is checked off the list and you conquered it…well done girl!
I would love to be able to hear your V speech, you are so much wiser than your years and the fact that you have acknowledged your growth through this tough time and can reflect and see that even in the darkest of darkness you have grown and learnt and here you are talking publicly about it, how inspiring. I am sure that there are going to be other young adults whom you impact with your speech that are going through things others don’t even know about and will be able to identify and feel hope from you.
You are so right, if you can get through this year you can get through anything Hannah, you are so brave.
Hugs to you strong girl x
Sarah 🙂

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

I don’t have a lot of faith that the next few years are going to be any easier because everyone says that grade 12 is the best year of your life and if that’s true, I can only go downhill and I don’t know how bad that’s going to get. I only just survived this year so anything harder I probably won’t survive.

i’m not presenting my valedictorian speech anyway but it may be read out as an example to the next year 12’s anonymously, if it is hopefully it helps people like you said.

Now that all the celebrations are coming to an end I don’t know what I’m meant to do with myself. I’ve got the things I already told you earlier on but I’ve noticed that I’m feeling more down each day. I’ll have to talk to my case manager about it.

I’ve been having a lot of fun the past week or two. They have been the best weeks of this year, which probably wasn’t a very high goal to achieve but still, they were really good.

When I graduated, I received a letter from the school that I had written myself at the start of the year just before things first went downhill. When I read it, it made me cry because it was the most supportive thing I think I’ve ever written for myself. I’m keeping it in my room forever to read when I’m feeling down to hopefully make me feel better again. I don’t even remember writing the letter but I’m glad I did.

thanks,

Hannah

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sarah,

I’m really happy to that I’ve had a good few weeks too. Before all these events I was feeling really really anxious that something was going to ruin it or that I was going to stuff it all up or it’d just be really crap in general but luckily it hasn’t been like that at all and it’s been like I said to Croix, the best few weeks of this year. I’ve made so many memories and drank a bit too much but made lots of new friends on the way too. It’s kind of been a compact version of last year. Last year I was really social and is making lots of memories and generally having a good time other than being depressed and anxious but that wasn’t affecting my functioning too much likely at the time.

I use music a lot to relate to my life, happy and sad emotions and experiences. I recently found a song called 100 bad days by AJR which has resonated with the past few weeks pretty well. Another song I love is teenagers by my chemical romance, it reminds me of my time in the subacute clinic with the new friends I made and the many funny memories.

Remember writing earlier in this forum asking people whether I should give up school because I thought it would kill me but it’s true I have survived. Now onto the next thing to conquer, not really sure what that is actually we’ll get there.

I’m not sure if my valedictorian speech will be read out but if it is, hopefully it will help some people.

hopefully I can get through the next few years what days or hours at least.

Sorry if the grammar and spelling is weird in the past few posts, I don’t have my laptop at the moment and trying to type on my phone is very hard with acrylics. I’ve been trying to use that voice typing thing which is also going a bit weird.

Thanks, Hannah