Chronic suicidality

[Idontevenknow]

Hi everyone,

I have had chronically suicidal for over two years. It has led to a few attempts and hospitalisations. I'm currently receiving treatment/therapy but it's a long process. Its kind of getting tough because unfortunately you can't just pause life. I'm under a lot of stress from school (zillions of grade 12 assessments), my anxiety has skyrocketed and I'm trying to continue functioning as a normal human being despite being very depressed. Does anyone have any tips on how to keep going in those times between treatment and living a relatively normal life or just with dealing with chronic suicidality in general?

Thanks heaps

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sarah,

Sorry it's taken me a while to reply, I was in the sub-acute facility for a few days and I didn't take my laptop and since I got discharged on Thursday I've been really busy.

I'm glad you had a few days to recharge as well. I'm also glad you've been able to think a bit about your relationship with suicide. Even though its a bit different to mine, I'm glad me bringing my "breakthrough" up helped you too. I can easily understand why you are so passionate and involved with suicide awareness and education, but its good now that you've recognised that your whole life shouldn't be about suicide, you need to make time for other things in your life as well. And like you said, you can't ultimately prevent someone from taking their own life, its their actions.

I'm not very good at explaining things but I'll try my best with radical acceptance. An example that my group facilitator gave us was say you were looking for a parking spot in the city and you had been driving around for 20 minutes and finally you see one but someone snatches it from the other side. Also just realised you may not have parking spots in the middle of the road where you live but I'm sure you've seen or heard of them before. Anyway, you won't "radically accept" by getting enraged, beeping your horn or even ramming you car into their's, you can radically accept the situation by understanding that it has happened and you can't do anything about it and continue looking for another spot. But you also need to remember that radically accepting something does not mean you agree with it eg. a lot of people use this with trauma, it was not ok that it happened, but you can still accept it. My example that I came up with for homework was that I am having to leave child mental health services and leave my case manager whom I have a really great relationship with. When I first realised I was going to have to leave her soon I could've denied it, didn't want it to be true, tried everything to keep her (get more sick maybe), instead I tried to radically accept it. It's a shame that I'll have to leave her but I can't change it. Its been really hard to accept it but I'm trying. Hope that makes things a bit clearer.

The subacute was a pretty good experience this time, I made some more new friends and enjoyed most of my stay there. Probably one of the most enjoyable stays I've had there. I hope the friends I met their though don't have to go back again and live to have a happy life.

Thank you,

Hannah

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

My stay in the subacute like I said to Sarah was pretty good. I only stayed for three days but I think that was enough this time. Other times I've stayed that long and its been too short but I think I'm mentally okay enough to be home for now. I have another short planned admission at the start of July which will be good timing as it is right after my last appts with my case manager and DBT therapist. The one year celebration party was a lot bigger than I thought, I arrived and there were two TV crews there and all these "important" people and catering and balloons. I wish Winnie was there, she would've loved all the people. I think she can visit but I've never tried, maybe next time. I'm allowed pretty much anything with me that I can't easily hurt myself with. It's kind of like a rehabilitation centre (it was originally going to have that in the name but they changed it last minute) so they try and integrate normal life as much as possible, like I still do TAFE while I'm there, and other kids go to school and work while there too so it isn't really a break from everyday.

They usually trust me when I say I'm going downhill. I might map out the cycle for them so they understand how I see it then they can explain maybe their point of view.

Sometimes I understand with people not experienced in mental health that they are not sure how to react and may say the "wrong thing". And I've also definitely had people cry and that has also made me feel horrible and powerless inside.

The other day I found out that my DBT program will be continuing at the place I'm doing it now so I won't have to go privately. A big relief.

TAFE is nearly finished, I've got one theory unit left to learn then I've got a few assignment, quizzes and practical assessments to do before I go on placement. I found out yesterday that I'll get to be in the first group of people to go on placement which came as a huge shock to me because they were giving out those places to people who already have experience in disability/aged care or who they think were really ready and I though I was neither of those but for some reason they must think I'm capable. I'm scared but its made me really motivated to get on top of everything and practice all my skills and get this course done!

Winnie got desexed the other day so the poor thing will have to wear a cone for a while.

All the best,

Hannah

[Aaronsis]

Hey Hannah

I am so happy to hear that your experience this time was different and dare I say, better than other times. Maybe your view has changed too in that you feel like you have something to give to others and this is a very powerful feeling. I hope that you can see by the people you are interacting with and the people who are reaching out to you on Tik Tok that you do have lessons to share, suggestions to make and insights to give to others who are walking the path behind you. I hope mostly though that you can feel love, that people do need you, do love you and do value you.

I love the concept of Radical Acceptance and I totally agree with the thinking in that some things we simply cannot change, at all, so why get so bent out of shape and frustrated at a situation that will not and can not change because we react to it. However, these things like parking spaces, the weather, other peoples opinions, how others respond to us, these things we have no control of, but what we do have control of is how we respond and I think that it is very important to know that. Things like our thoughts though, with practice and with help and with tools we can change, with understanding of ourselves and what triggers are involved, sometimes events that have occurred in our life, we can change. It is not easy at all, as we all know but it is possible.

So I have a copy of "Stop Surviving and Start Fighting", by Jazz....it is soo interesting and I would love for you to read it. She really explores the concept of our belief systems and what events, people and experiences we have in our life, and usually as a child shape what we believe of ourselves. While this is not news to me it really has reminded me of how we come to form the opinions we have of ourselves and how we can go about adjusting the ones that are simply wrong...like being a burden..like being unworthy..like not deserving love, or not being a person to give or receive love. I would love to know what your thoughts are on this too.

I read what you wrote to Croix about poor Winnie being desexed...poor baby, although I am sure you will get extra cuddles now.

Have an awesome week ahead and chat soon.

Hugs Sarah

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sarah,

It has been amazing being able to connect with people through TikTok I've had people wanting to talk to me about my own or their experiences. I've received some really nice feedback too which always makes my day. It does sometimes make me sad to see how many people relate to some of my TikToks where I bring light to some more serious topics. I'm glad I can make them feel less alone and smile about some of their difficult times, but its sad they've had to go through some tough times like me. I've got over 4200 followers now and it keeps growing, I wonder if I've popped up on your for you page, that'd be weird haha.

I've been trying to use radical acceptance as often as I can recently. I'm usually pretty good with the little things like a parking spot or the weather. Everyone thinks I'm a really chill person, when I've told people I'm very anxious they're shocked and sometimes don't believe me lol. Thoughts are so so hard to change though. I know CBT focuses on that a lot. When I tried CBT it didn't work well because trying to fight my thoughts or change my thoughts only made them louder and put me through a hell of a lot more suffering. So my psychologist at the time tried Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) which is where instead of trying to change the thought you accept it which is kind of like radical acceptance but with thoughts. This helped a lot so I wasn't constantly having World War 3 in my head. But yeah, trying to change thoughts is so difficult.

Oh I'm jealous, I want a copy of Jazz's book! I'll try and find one soon. I'm glad her book delves into topics like that. I think that's what the root of a lot of my thought patterns are, they're from past kind of "life-altering" experiences. I think the past few years I've been too mentally ill/unstable to look into the causes of my problems, instead we've just been trying to deal with trying to keep me alive/going in the moment. Hopefully I can get to a stage soon where I'll be stable enough to look into some stuff. EMDR if you know what that is has been mentioned for me possibly to try and "fix" some of my childhood experiences so they don't bring as much pain I guess or bring about negative thought patterns as much. That probably doesn't really make sense, I'll try and explain it better another time.

Winnie is slowly recovering. I've got a busy week this week with TAFE, appts and social stuff. I'll keep you updated.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Aaronsis]

Hey Hannah

I am so proud of you, that you have used Tik Tok to reach out, to share and to shine a light on what is effecting so many people, and young people. That mostly everyone feels so alone and yet there are so many screaming out "me too"...it is so brave to talk about your battles and your experiences and what you go through in your life in such a public way, but I think this is only the beginning for you, this one day will really play a huge part in what success looks like for you. If that is that you go on to be an advocate for mental health, you become a nurse or a teacher or just a voice...to let people know, like Jazz, that there is a hope, there is light, there is life and you can get well, you really can. It is quite possible that you may have come up on my for you page, I do follow alot of people that talk about mental health so it tends to serve me that type of content.

I have finished the book already and had you in mind the whole time I was reading it, I hope you can get your hands on a copy as it is just so devastating but also very courageous and mostly it outlines how she fought, what she was up against and how she came to understand her thoughts and why they were there, that once she knew how these thoughts came to be in her head she could prove them wrong, and indeed she did. She is doing a movie too called The girl on the bridge. There is also a little movie she has done talking to people, including herself that shares their suicide notes and then a note to themselves today. It is very heartbreaking but very interesting, if you wanted to look at it I will put the link here, it gives one so much hope I feel:

https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=1764066266940548

I am thrilled to hear how busy you are with Tafe, with appointments and with social things, you are living your life Hannah and this makes me so happy, that you can see a tomorrow and you are choosing a tomorrow.

Huge hugs to you, you are strong and you are brave and we care so much about you, dream big, the future is yours.

Sarah xx

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sarah,

I'm so happy that I've made this "mental health" TikTok account. It's been helpful for me to remind me there are so many others out there and I'm not alone. And I'm so lucky to be able to help others, because it makes me and hopefully them feel better. Now I've got friends all around the world that I talk to everyday! I was so scared to make the account at first in case people I know found it, so I kind of waiting until I finished school, then I was still too scared to show my face so I made weird TikToks with a block covering my face lol. But I finally felt confident enough to share my story. I've gone on "live" a few times and people can ask me questions about me or my story and we can have good chats, its so fun. A few people have found my TikTok now but they've all been really supportive which is good.

Wow you read the book fast! You must've really liked it. I had a chat with someone I met on TikTok and she said she got it on Audible and you can get your first book free so I might do that. I just don't know if my attention span will be good enough for an audio book. If not, I'll keep trying to get my hands on the paper copy. I love watching her TikToks where she shares her story and how shes overcome her stuff so I think her book sounds just as good or even better! I've heard about her new movie, very keen to see it. I watched the movie documentary thing she made called Jessica's Tree. That was really good and insightful. I'll watch that video after I write this.

Keeping busy is my number one coping mechanism at the moment. I'm trying so so so hard to fight my thoughts and feelings. I hope its all worth it one day.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

First off how is Winnie -all better now or still a bit sore?

that Tik Tok account has exceeded all expectations and I'm glad others who have had bad experiences are looking at them, I guess you are finding your own way of helping people in need.

Using your own face, well it had to happen sometime, helpful all will be positive and supportive, it a still a brave move.

It took me many years to get to the stage of admitting my MH conditon to everyone, though I must admit Ive never faced anyone who did not understand.

Keeping busy is good, and I expect with TAFE you will have enough to keep you occupied for a while.

I did some ACT which I found better that CBH, which only made things worse at the time. Hopefully it will continue to help you. At least you understand the theory. Is there much difference from Radical Acceptance?

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

Winnie is a lot better now, she spent the weekend with her brother Archie and another dog at a friends house because my family and I went camping. She's back to her normal crazy self and the wound has healed well.

I'm so glad I've made my TikTok account. I've been able to share parts of my story with so many people and connect with a few people too. It's made me more motivated to get better too to be a good example for my followers. It was terrifying putting my first video out with images of my face, but I think it was a step in the right direction.

I'm slowly opening up to more people in real life too about my mental health, so far so good.

My TAFE classes are all finished up now, I just have one assessment left to do on working with people with mental health issues, shouldn't be too hard. Then I'm going on placement for two weeks on the 20th of July, I'm so excited!

At the moment I'm keeping busy by spending a lot of time with friends and family. I went camping with my family to a nearby lake over the weekend. It was cold but a lot of fun. And I've been spending a lot of time with my friends because a few are leaving to go back to uni and other places too.

I haven't really though about the difference between ACT and Radical Acceptance. The only differences I can think of is that radical acceptance is where you accept something with your whole mind and body and radical acceptance is usually about a situation rather than a thought (but it can still be about a though I guess), tehy're very similar.

I've been admitted into the subacute facility today for a planned admission for a few days. Hopefully it will stop me getting to crisis point and support me through the process of leaving two of my therapists.

I hope you're well,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

One of the genuine pleasures is to get a post from you that is good all the way though. Winnie is fine, your TikToks -with your own face- are out there and doing well, and TAFE is very nearly over.

I think the trouble with your assignment is keeping it short enough:) Most us us here, myself included, have MH issues, so no shortage of material:)

It gets down to around -6 here, so I'm not sure Sumo Cat, or any other member of my household would be that keen on camping, still I guess if one wrapped up at least it would be different.

Thanks for trying to explain the therapies, I'm still unsure so I guess I will have a look on-line and see what's there in university medical papers.

I hope you see familiar friendly faces in sub-acute and it does its job

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

I finished the mental health assignment and managed to keep it short enough haha but now they're making us do an COVID-19 online infection control course so I'll get to that soon.

That's freezing cold!!! I would not survive in a house let alone camping in that weather.

The sub-acute has been okay this time. First few days was good then I had my last appt with my case manager on Friday. That triggered two nights of meltdowns and self harm. I still feel shitty but more stable now. I woke up in a horrible mood this morning but the staff on this morning were pretty adamant about doing lots of activities. They forced us up to do a house meeting, then gym, then doing some cooking, and I'm not going to admit it to them but it helped and I'm in a better mood now lol. I just went live on TikTok and had some fun chatting to people on there. I'll probably be discharged tomorrow with an admission planned for a few weeks/months time.

I'm trying to plan lots of things for the rest of the month to keep me busy. My sister is on school holidays so I can spend time with her, my dad is only working part time at the moment so I can spend more time with him too. And my friends are leaving to go back to uni soon so I'll make the most of the time I have left with them until they go.

I'm meeting again with my new private psychiatrist on Wednesday. We might discuss adding/adjusting my diagnosis. She mentioned maybe Aspergers. She might also prescribe me medication I can take to counteract me gaining lots of weight from my sleeping meds.

Thanks,

Hannah