BPD

[GuestYD]

Hi all

i have BPD. I have been to the emergency department multiple times due to suicidal thinking when 2 hours before I was happy. I can go from excited to depressed in an instant.

i used to self harm but I've stopped that. I am fixated by the idea of suicide even though I've got no intent. I can be impulsive.

I idealise certain people in my life, including my mental health team.

I fear that my Dr will abandon me.

i experienced brief psychosis when I was stressed and the object wasn't really there

[james1]

Hey LC

Oooh your psychologist sounds awesome bringing the doggy in!! And hahaha I can just imagine yours stealing the tissue. That's hilarious.

Yeah to be honest I kind of hate dating apps. Maybe it's just me, but I'm also looking to have a conversation with people. I guess I'm just looking for an emotional connection really. But nobody seems to want to just talk!! And I also hate talking via message so I prefer talking in person, but it feels like people get all these expectations and things...blargh. This is why I preferred dating the last girl - she was really fun and just didn't really abide by usual dating rules haha. Or maybe people just aren't interested in me and don't want to talk, lol. Whatever. How do you find the apps? Do you have any frustrations with them?

Just coffee. I don't really know what to expect, but she suggested late Sunday so my expectation is she's not really that interested. Oh well 😞 I could be reading into that a bit too much.

James

[GuestYD]

Hi James

Yes my psychologist is great. I was so happy to see the dog. It really lifted my mood a lot and I felt so safe with him on my lap. Hopefully she brings him with her more often! She has lent me a toy that looks like him which I have had since my admission prior to this one, so it's nice having that comfort too. She's really thoughtful. I think she takes her job really seriously and is a really great psychologist. I get on with her really well too. So it's taken quite a few goes at various psychologists but I have found a great one. I also get on well with my psychiatrist. She is really accessible and I almost feel like she can read my mind because she knows me so well from all my admissions! Yeah, writing this makes me so happy to know I've got a really good mental health team. My GP is also pretty good but I don't see her that often. She under-diagnosed my condition initially and so I ended up in hospital in a crisis and quite unwell before my psychiatrist took over my care.

Coffee dates can be good. It's a good opportunity to see whether you connect with conversations without the distraction of alcohol or dinner. Hopefully it goes well 🙂 I find girls better chatters than the guys I have spoken to on Tinder or Her. I think girls are nicer than guys too!

I'm cleaning up my desk so I can start my next big assignment, which is due mid December.

LC

[james1]

Hey LC

That's wonderful that you have such a good team. GP's don't seem to know much about BPD generally, though there are a few who do, so it can be a bit tricky so I'm glad it got sorted in the end for you.

Haha yeah, guys are pretty bad at conversation I've found. It's probably why most of my close friends are girls because guys just don't like talking. I have my quiet times too, but damn I can be a chatterbox haha. I'll let you know how it goes. My second one got canned after she deactivated her OKCupid account before we could set up a time. 😞 That made me sad. I got really excited about meeting up. But she has exams so maybe it's just because of that.

Cool. Good luck with it. What's your assignment on?

James

[GuestYD]

Hi James

I presented to my GP mostly with anxiety symptoms so she thought I had a reasonably straightforward case of GAD and sent me to a psychologist who primarily had training in that area and put me on an antidepressant (which I am no longer on that specific one). My psychologist expressed the opinion that she did not think I needed to see a psychiatrist, but my GP decided as I was going downhill and my depressive symptoms were starting to become pronounced to check in with a psychiatrist and to also assess whether I had an axis II disorder. Immediately before seeing the first appointment with that psychiatrist (who I saw once), I ended up in emergency and was very unwell and ended up in a private hospital a few days later. My BPD was not really an issue in the beginning. I think once my depression was managed a bit better, my BPD became more of an issue. When I got sent to DBT, my psychiatrist just described me as having traits but that changed when I started displaying more BPD symptoms and my behaviour (so attempts, gestures, self harm, fear of abandonment, idealisation, dissociation, etc) became more obviously BPD. Now I think my BPD is more of an issue than my depression. Anyway long way of explaining what happened prior to my first admission!

OkCupid. I haven't tried that. I'll have to take a look. That's disappointing that you didn't get to exchange contact details with the other girl. Hopefully, your date goes well!

LC

[GuestYD]

Hi James

I logged onto OkCupid and found all the questionnaires and boxes to fill really confronting! And I felt so pressured. Maybe I'll take a break from dating until I can work up to OkCupid!

Night

LC

[james1]

Hey LC

Wow you've had quite a run with the diagnoses eh? Yeah, I think the BPD is really something that rears it's ugly head in relationships, but can otherwise be quite...I don't know. Hidden? Under the surface? Until things get a bit shaky then it crops up and then when you start thinking about it, it seems to crop up even more as you self examine. Or at least that's what happened with me...

Oh no, I'm sorry I didn't mean to put you off. I don't think you actually need to answer everything. I don't remember to be honest. I think I set mine up a couple of months ago.

Do you feel like being in a relationship would help or hinder your progress? Or are you unsure?

I ask because I'm a bit confused about it myself. I feel like it would give me something to work towards and is a good way of testing myself to make sure I only date people who are actually compatible with me. But at the same time, it can set off my BPD symptoms so badly haha. Yet I feel like how can I get better without actually putting myself through it, you know?

James

[GuestYD]

Hi James

I think you are right that when you become more aware of BPD, the more you see it! I think it definitely becomes more pronounced with relationships. I have been in hospital a lot over the last few years, so I think I've been really sheltered from real life, so now that I am more well it's becoming more of an issue. But I don't think I can work on managing it unless I get back into real life. So dating and making friends are all really important for that component. Eurgh it's hard! I don't want to be withdrawn from life any longer.

I have not actually been in any serious relationships. I've dated people before but I've never had a boyfriend (or girlfriend). The guy I dated the longest was about 8 dates but I was scared of intimacy with him even though I liked him! I have my BPD, but I also have my past childhood history which impacts my ability to have relationships. So it adds another complicated layer and increases the length of time I will need therapy. I also become fairly vulnerable when I'm drunk. So I have had some nasty experiences on that front too which doesn't help. So I'm a bit scared about relationships for all those reasons which really aren't anything to do with BPD...

So I guess in answer to your question I think I need to try relationships, but I will find them hard and need quite a bit of professional support due to a lot of different factors.

LC

[james1]

Ah crap so date got cancelled. She felt like, and probably rightly, that we were just too different in personality after chatting a bit. I guess this is why I hate Internet dating. You never know what the person is really like until meeting them in person but it often doesn't get there. So rather than moping alone tomorrow arvo, I'll be meeting up with a friend.

Yeah that's the problem with hospital. It keeps you safe but you can't get better from BPD. Depression maybe but not BPD.

Oh that's a lot to try and cope with. it's no surprise you find the whole dating thing difficult then. can you limit your drinks when on dates? maybe that can help in some tiny way with that. 8 dates is quite a lot. I think both of my relationships had progressed by then. and it was looking like the previous one was also about to get serious when she called it off.

[GuestYD]

Oh that's a shame, but I'm glad you have a plan for tomorrow instead. Yeah online dating is fraught with difficulties. I called off a date with a girl because I didn't see that we would be compatible in person after talking to her for a few days after the original date was postponed due to my visit to hospital (although I did not mention that was the reason). I am chatting to one girl who seems really nice and I might do something with her this week. Will see - I have sort of lowered my expectations which is healthy because I went way too intense with the first girl.

Yeah, I have a load of baggage, so there is a lot for me to work on but I don't think I am going to get better at this sort of thing unless I try. I will definitely limit alcohol on dates. I am thinking of doing mostly day time activities to begin with which are not as serious as say dinner or drinks. I like the idea of brunch dates or doing something like going to a gallery.

And I totally agree about hospital - it isn't real life but that said it has helped me a lot with my depression and literally kept me safe when I've been at crisis point.

LC

[james1]

Yeah I'm really doing my best to lower expectations. I'm so tempted to just give up on this dating thing. It's such a pain and I feel like it's particularly hard with BPD because even just chatting raises my expectations and I start building an image of the person as perfect for me and think about future even before first meeting them, haha.

A brunch date would be nice 🙂 I found coffee + bowling was really fun, so a gallery would be fun too. And I think having the activity first helped because it was like an ice breaker and we could talk about that, so by the time we wanted to go eat something for lunch, we felt comfortable in each other's company and conversation could flow. But maybe that's just how I like to meet people - doing something fun.