BPD

[GuestYD]

Hi all

i have BPD. I have been to the emergency department multiple times due to suicidal thinking when 2 hours before I was happy. I can go from excited to depressed in an instant.

i used to self harm but I've stopped that. I am fixated by the idea of suicide even though I've got no intent. I can be impulsive.

I idealise certain people in my life, including my mental health team.

I fear that my Dr will abandon me.

i experienced brief psychosis when I was stressed and the object wasn't really there

[james1]

The appointment was okay. I talked too much and got onto heaps of tangents but I guess a lot has happened. She reckons it's good if I keep trying to set up dates and things because it challenges my attachment style. But it's going to be tricky because she's going to be very unavailable in the next three months, so appointments will be pretty sporadic.

Yeah, coming to terms with and understanding your sexuality better is probably just another spanner in the works, but a good spanner in the long term I guess.

Haha I'm staying well clear of the imagery for now. That would be too much. Hope your session goes well too.

[GuestYD]

Hi James

We ended up not discussing relationships as much as other issues but she encouraged me to try meeting people without the huge expectations I had with the first date. Hopefully I can do that. I'm also joining a book club which should be fun. She thinks my mood is better when I do things with people. So I think I also need to work on friendships too. My circle is really too small at the moment.

Do you end up feeling exhausted after a session with your psychologist? I always need a rest after mine. Oh that's no good about availability. I know you see a GP, so they might be able to help out too and you could possibly see them in the weeks you can't see your psychologist?

LC

[james1]

Ah yeah, my mood improves drastically when I'm around people too. But my psych wanted me to make sure I don't go and just expect to go from strangers to best friends in one meeting, haha.

Awesome that you're joining a book club. I was looking at some book club meet ups too, but I couldn't be bothered reading. So I just stick to my writing and board games meet ups now 🙂

Oh yeah I usually just want to go home and sleep/lie down and listen to music. Do you just have your assignment to work on at the moment or do you still have classes? Yeah, I suppose I could but it's not quite the same. My psych suggested I could talk to someone else in the clinic, so I'll see. But I'd hate to start again.

[GuestYD]

Yes! I have to lower expectations massively. I have just been really isolated because I got so sick. So it's really a process of getting back into life for me. I think all of your activities sound good.

I'm glad the Meetup groups have worked well for you. I'm quite excited about getting involved. I love reading so it's something I enjoy a lot.

Oh yes. The nap afterwards. I find a lot goes through my head after my psychology appointments. I pretty much always sleep after seeing my psychiatrist. Yes I've just got the assignment and then a holiday 🙂 it will be nice to recharge before next year. I haven't got any specific plans. I'll have to see what happens.

LC

[james1]

So I think I'm only now starting to process what I was talking to my psychologist about.

One of our conversations was about my impulsiveness. I feel like a little kid regulated by an adult mind, but sometimes the adult mind wanders off or lets the kid be the kid.

So at 25, I will still jump onto walls and fences and walk down the street like that, I will randomly start leaping down the footpath avoiding all cracks in the road, I will say things that shouldn't be said, start walking a la Monty Python ministry of silly walks style, just start making frog noises while sitting around, sit down on escalators...etc etc.

On the more dangerous scale, driving recklessly if there's no one around, gambling, and some other stuff.

One of the things we talked about was trying to take more control over my impulses. I didn't like the idea, and still don't, because I feel like with my lack of identity, this was the one thing I could hold on to as being me. My psych said why couldn't I keep my impulsiveness in some aspects, but not others.

I don't know. It makes sense, but it is incredibly uncomfortable. I feel like if I do that, then I just...won't be impulsive anymore.

Anyway, I thought I'd just put that out there. I don't know if any of it relates to you! haha.

[GuestYD]

Hi James

I do say things I shouldn't at times. So sometimes inappropriate without thinking before speaking about context, but I have to admit I don't really do things like jump on walls etc.

I have told my psychiatrist that I am going to drive my car really recklessly before, but I haven't actually done so because I worry that should I want to work as a lawyer that will come back to bite me! I also worry about things like tickets on public transport and parking fines!

My impulsivity mostly relates to leaving the house and then on the way home deciding to buy a clarinet after walking past a music store, going drinking by myself without planning to do so or doing something dangerous that results in me in hospital. I have managed to stop doing dangerous things that lead to hospital (touch wood). I sort of have rationalised that there is no point in doing that sort of thing anymore. I think at times I have ended up in emergency as a way of messaging my distress rather than telling my Mum I need a hug or calling my psychiatrist for a chat. I also have a bit of a vulnerability to alcohol that I get in unsafe situations after too much alcohol, but I am much better at controlling the number of drinks I have these days and haven't landed in a dangerous situation for a number of years.

I sort of get that the impulsivity is a bit of a control thing - which sort of is counterintuitive - because you know that you are predictably impulsive. I think as long as you are safe, then impulsivity is ok but if you regret the actions later then it is something you could look at addressing.

LC

[GuestYD]

Feeling really empty. 😞

[Zeal]

Hi LC,

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling empty. If you'd like to talk about it, I will definitely listen (well, read) and hopefully have something helpful to say 🙂

Remember to use helpline numbers if you need them, and to keep in touch with family.

Best wishes,

Zeal

[GuestYD]

Hi Zeal

I was feeling a bit overwhelmed due to something that happened yesterday (which is a bit too personal/identifying to discuss on here).

I also don't want to meet up with the girl I've been chatting with on Tinder and I'm not sure how to get out of seeing her - we haven't got a specific date set up but we've been discussing meeting up.

I did end up talking to a helpline last night and they were pretty good.

LC

[james1]

Hey LC,

Oh no, that sucks you're not feeling great. How are you today?

You don't feel like you two are a good match? or are you nervous?

James