BPD

[GuestYD]

Hi all

i have BPD. I have been to the emergency department multiple times due to suicidal thinking when 2 hours before I was happy. I can go from excited to depressed in an instant.

i used to self harm but I've stopped that. I am fixated by the idea of suicide even though I've got no intent. I can be impulsive.

I idealise certain people in my life, including my mental health team.

I fear that my Dr will abandon me.

i experienced brief psychosis when I was stressed and the object wasn't really there

[GuestYD]

Hi James

That's awesome. I'm glad to hear it went well and you are having another date. The zoo sounds lots of fun. I look forward to hearing how it goes.

As for the BPD issue, I think the greatest thing as you describe is that you are aware of what you are thinking and are managing to keep an eye on it. I think with BPD it's a lot of learning how to manage symptoms so they don't impact on relationships as much as they did before being diagnosed. So I think you are doing a really good job. Hopefully it works out.

It's much ahead of when I'd have to reveal it, but I wondered at what point do you disclose your condition to your date. I am a bit anxious about that part!

Essay is due on Wednesday, so getting closer to the due date. Will be happy to submit it.

LC

[james1]

Hey LC

We've had to change the zoo to seeing the cirque du soleil because I forgot my motorbike course is actually during the middle of the day not the morning. But the zoo is (hopefully) going to be a third date idea 😉

Yeah... I am struggling a bit with the self awareness though because it angers me that I'm like that, and I take that anger out on myself. But if I can do my best to keep the BPD out of the relationship that should be better. My psych appointment is on Monday so I need to get through this week and the actual date on my own, haha.

Ah yes, the big reveal. I have no idea! I have been fretting so much about that. What if she decides it's too much to deal with? 😞 I was reading online and people were saying not in the first 8 dates, but I think the best rule of thumb is: when you feel like they like you as a person. There'll be things you hide, which everyone does, but when you find that connection between yourselves and not just the facades, then it's probably time to tell. And not all of it, but just that it's there and you're working on it.

Tomorrow! Good luck luck luck luck! I'm excited for you because then you get to play Civ6 and tell me all about it. Hahahaha. Go shred those laws (or support them) - whatever they actually are. I don't know much about the laws specifically, but I always wanted to do the International Security course our uni offered.

James

[GuestYD]

Hi James

That's a seriously cool date location. I like that you are seeing a show and will have limited chances to chat before and during the show. So the show will have a huge impact on the dates success which is out of your control. It sounds like a winner to me.

Have fun on your bike!

The BPD stuff does make it hard. I understand the frustration. i suppress stuff and then turn on myself to feel something. Yours sounds more like anger needs an outlet. I think I've got lots of anger I just don't express it.

oh yes the reveal! i don't know when but I reckon when you feel comfortable with them. I don't know how many dates that will be. So that's a bit anxiety producing! I made a thread on the issue and got a number of responses.

thanks I ended up finishing it today and so tomorrow after a good sleep it is civ6.

[james1]

Haha it's going to be super fun. I love the circus. Just gotta make sure I can drive her back home safely afterwards 😛 My only crash was when I got momentarily blinded by the low sun and hit, at about 10km/hr, a parked car. With my now ex in the car after we'd just been to a movie date (I think the third date?). It was highly embarrasing. Made worse by the fact that the people whose car I'd hit were having a party in their front lawn and saw everything, haha.

Oh yeah, I used to do that a lot. When we were doing schema therapy, we noticed i was perpetually in "detached protector" mode. But since recognising that, I've tried to just open myself up and now I feel everything - it's horrible, haha. Do you feel the anger? I didn't realise I had that much until a psychologist pulled me aside once and told me that I was super angry in the meeting, and I didn't realise I was, but when she said it I was like - yeah, you're right.

Oh cool. Congratulations 🙂 Let me know whether I should get it! I've gotten bored with Civ4, haha.

[GuestYD]

Hi James

I have faith in your driving - you won't hit any cars on your date. I had a car run into the back of me when I slowed down in a slip lane. It was fairly scary and my car was out of action for a while getting fixed. The driver had tried to avoid me but all the impact was in one corner so if I recall correctly it bent the axil and dinted like 3 panels.

I did an exercise where I had to do a dialogue with two parts of me and my psychologist got me to be angry and I felt so out of control that I thought I needed to be in hospital to be safe but I felt ok once we'd moved on. So I'm definitely not used to dealing with anger. I'm in detached protector heaps of the time, but I've become more vulnerable child over time and more healthy adult. If something is really difficult in session I become dissociative and my psychologist has to get me back in the room. Some of the imagery type stuff is difficult. I couldn't do it on Tuesday because I didn't want to feel the feeling we had just reached from our preliminary discussions, so we had a lighter session which was what I needed.

I was worried about the date too because I didn't know how my psychologist would respond and I didn't want her to abandon me. So I got a bit scared prior to seeing her. Do you get fearful about your psychologist abandoning you?

Civs is pretty good. The graphics are still fairly basic but all the various choices you have to make along the way are an extension of the last version. I found I got to 200 turns fairly quickly, and I'm happy with how I'm going. I'm definitely a warmongerer at heart. It's an improvement on Civ V so it would be better than Civ IV too. Maybe worth waiting until there is a sale, but it's good.

LC

[james1]

Hey LC

Sorry about the delay in my response and probably what will be a crappy response here. I'm trying to keep a bit of a low profile until I get to my psych appointment today but I've been feeling guilty about not replying (despite reading) so i thought I'd just drop you a quick note!

Imagery is super hard. I hate it even though it helps. So it sounds like you're recognising the shift away from detached protector? That's good. How does it make you feel? I've seen it in myself but then we realised my coping mechanism wasn't good enough so we stopped and I get a bit confused now. And I've also been recognising all these things I do about my identity so that gnaws away as well. Haha I'm not being very specific sorry.

I was thinking about that on my way to work today because my psych appointment is today. I realised that the little thoughts I'd been thinking in the previous few sessions where I was deliberately avoiding stuff, and how I hate compliments and stuff...I think I'm less worried that she'll abandon me but more worried that she'll either tell me something about me which I don't believe in and that will shatter my trust of her, or that I'll tell her something that she doesn't believe or know and that will make her feel...bad? I don't think she'll abandon me because she gets paid to see me, but I feel like any connection we have will just disappear and then I'll be on my own again. So then I started tossing up just leaving and finding a new psychologist until I realised it would just happen again with them. I don't know. I feel like I'm being resistant to treatment and I'm trying to figure out why.

Sorry, I dont' know if any of that made sense. It's okay if you don't understand what I'm saying. I don't either, haha.

Do you have a favourite civisilisation/leader? Is the battle system better than 4? I hate the fights in 4 simply because you can be travelling on nicely and then all of a sudden megadeathstack appears with tanks while you still have muskets hahaha. Okay, that's probably just me being bad at the game 😛

James

[GuestYD]

Hi James

Yikes dating is really making me aware of my BPD. I was texting her and I realised I was being too intense and not waiting for responses. I then became really obsessed about her, pretty much idealising her despite not meeting her. Before I even met her I I was worried I'd failed and she'd not like me. I then felt angry because I had been too intense and was screwing up my chances. I then saw her and it went well but I haven't heard from her, so I'm feeling a bit crappy now.

Oh yes it's hard doing imagery work. Some of the memories I come up with really surprise me.

My brain assumes both my psychologist and psychiatrist will disappear at any moment! So I actually need a bit of reassurance at times. My psychiatrist is not young, so I assume she's going to decide to retire but she has assured me it will be some years and that eased the anxiety quite a bit. I tend to accept the advice from both of them and so I'm quite vulnerable in the sense than I can easily persuade me about a course of action. I tend to forget that they are just human and I don't have to always agree with what they say. So maybe a part of me just wants to be accepted by them? Not sure. I think I'm just anxious they'll suddenly disappear and I'll be by myself and won't have support like when I was really sick before I had my first admission to hospital.

The gameplay seems really good. I've a tendency to start games and then not progress to the end? I'm not sure which country is my favourite. I'm playing quite an aggressive military game at the moment and I've just got gun powder and so I'm ready to attack another state, but need to build up strength. I haven't been attacked by a random nation with a super strong army, but I've just been attaked by a really strong barbarian force (like 8 units) who were hidden from me.

Anyway hope you are going ok

LC

[GuestYD]

Yes I got the let's be friends text. It was a failed exercise.

[Zeal]

Hi LC,

I was concerned after I saw your last brief post. I remember you saying at the start of this thread that you used to self-harm. Thankfully you couldn't find something to harm yourself with. Do you have a 'safety plan' for when you have the urge to self-harm? This Beyondblue safety plan site can help: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

Saving Beyondblue's number (1300 22 4636) in your phone is a good idea.

I hope you're doing okay LC!

Best wishes,

Zeal

[GuestYD]

Hi Zeal

Thank you for your concern. I shouldn't have made that post last night.

I don't have a specific safety plan for self-harm. I had taken my night meds last night so wouldn't have been that alert, so a plan would not have made any difference. I also don't think I need one for self-harm. I won't get into the specifics, but what I tend to do is pretty safe and I'd feel so silly ringing a hotline about it. It's just not that serious. I will tell my Dr when I see her.

LC