Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

Thanks. Nah, I gave up on BB webchat after a long period of it not working. Even when it did work, I didn't get anything out of it. I use a local service that is much more helpful and neuro-affirming, though unfortunately I couldn't because I was at the hospital through their open hours. I've mostly been talking to my sister and a friend who lives overseas.

Sorry to hear you're struggling with digestive difficulties, they can really mess with you. Cheers for having a look into autism-related resources, I appreciate the effort. I am familiar with Amaze, unfortunately they're more for connecting with general services, they're not a crisis support kind of thing. Useful in less pressing circumstances. 

I read this at the time and thought it was a good idea, then promptly forgot. 😕 We did connect though, just playing nature sounds in the background and talking. Reminiscing a lot about Sir Pecks (Mr Feisty's late brother), and imagining how he would be playing with hubby's medical equipment. That was comforting.

Hope you are feeling a bit better, now.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey SB,

Thanks. Yeah, it's a lot. Hospitals aren't worse for me than any other public space, but the sensory and social overload is a lot. They are loud and I keep having to talk to people. Not the best thing for a burnt out autistic. Funny how that's what gets to me, not all the medical stuff in and of itself.

I've had my sister and a friend to talk to, yeah. Practical stuff is a lot harder, everyone we're close to either lives an hour's drive away or is as burnt out as we are (in most cases, both), so there isn't much practical help to go around. One friend did grab a few groceries for me, which she gave me today at the hospital. That helped a lot, I'd been unable to get those few items online.

Sound suggestions. After a bit, I actually started thinking about craft projects and looking up materials online when hubby was sleeping. As he improved, we started watching stuff together on YouTube, I brought his tablet in so he could have entertainment. Definitely good to have some lighter stuff to focus on, yes. Not that we shy away from the heavy stuff, but one needs breaks from that.

Thanks kindly. Happy to say that I brought him home today. His health remains complicated, as is the way with terminal illness, and there are yet more adjustments to be made to his meds and our routine. We make the best of whatever time we have left. Trying to resume our holiday, and reclaim some fun after the past week of drama. Just gotta take things quietly.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Blue,

I’m glad hubby is home for now. I hope things can settle and you can enjoy some peaceful time together. It’s lovely to reminisce about Sir Pecks. It’s lovely to have the nature sounds too.

Sending peaceful, kind thoughts to you both, and Mr Feisty too of course!

ER

[sbella02]

Blue,

I'm glad to hear that he's out of hospital for the time being, hopefully a home environment will be more comforting for you both. Hospitals can be stressful environments, there's always so much going on, as you said. Sensory overload definitely makes sense for such a busy place.

Of course, terminal illness is always a mix of good days and bad days. It's good to be able to have little ways of bringing happiness and joy to our lives while we navigate these days - things like devices and crafts are great examples.

It's lovely that your friend is also helping out with groceries, that kind of support is so meaningful. Taking things quietly is also a good way to settle back into things.

We're always here to chat with you through the good and the bad, as you know. 🙂

SB