Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

Thanks. Nah, I gave up on BB webchat after a long period of it not working. Even when it did work, I didn't get anything out of it. I use a local service that is much more helpful and neuro-affirming, though unfortunately I couldn't because I was at the hospital through their open hours. I've mostly been talking to my sister and a friend who lives overseas.

Sorry to hear you're struggling with digestive difficulties, they can really mess with you. Cheers for having a look into autism-related resources, I appreciate the effort. I am familiar with Amaze, unfortunately they're more for connecting with general services, they're not a crisis support kind of thing. Useful in less pressing circumstances. 

I read this at the time and thought it was a good idea, then promptly forgot. 😕 We did connect though, just playing nature sounds in the background and talking. Reminiscing a lot about Sir Pecks (Mr Feisty's late brother), and imagining how he would be playing with hubby's medical equipment. That was comforting.

Hope you are feeling a bit better, now.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey SB,

Thanks. Yeah, it's a lot. Hospitals aren't worse for me than any other public space, but the sensory and social overload is a lot. They are loud and I keep having to talk to people. Not the best thing for a burnt out autistic. Funny how that's what gets to me, not all the medical stuff in and of itself.

I've had my sister and a friend to talk to, yeah. Practical stuff is a lot harder, everyone we're close to either lives an hour's drive away or is as burnt out as we are (in most cases, both), so there isn't much practical help to go around. One friend did grab a few groceries for me, which she gave me today at the hospital. That helped a lot, I'd been unable to get those few items online.

Sound suggestions. After a bit, I actually started thinking about craft projects and looking up materials online when hubby was sleeping. As he improved, we started watching stuff together on YouTube, I brought his tablet in so he could have entertainment. Definitely good to have some lighter stuff to focus on, yes. Not that we shy away from the heavy stuff, but one needs breaks from that.

Thanks kindly. Happy to say that I brought him home today. His health remains complicated, as is the way with terminal illness, and there are yet more adjustments to be made to his meds and our routine. We make the best of whatever time we have left. Trying to resume our holiday, and reclaim some fun after the past week of drama. Just gotta take things quietly.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Blue,

I’m glad hubby is home for now. I hope things can settle and you can enjoy some peaceful time together. It’s lovely to reminisce about Sir Pecks. It’s lovely to have the nature sounds too.

Sending peaceful, kind thoughts to you both, and Mr Feisty too of course!

ER

[sbella02]

Blue,

I'm glad to hear that he's out of hospital for the time being, hopefully a home environment will be more comforting for you both. Hospitals can be stressful environments, there's always so much going on, as you said. Sensory overload definitely makes sense for such a busy place.

Of course, terminal illness is always a mix of good days and bad days. It's good to be able to have little ways of bringing happiness and joy to our lives while we navigate these days - things like devices and crafts are great examples.

It's lovely that your friend is also helping out with groceries, that kind of support is so meaningful. Taking things quietly is also a good way to settle back into things.

We're always here to chat with you through the good and the bad, as you know. 🙂

SB

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER & SB,

Sorry for another long disappearance, all that hospital stuff really knocked the stuffing out of us. I'm finding it harder and harder to keep up with communication these days, as much as I appreciate you guys checking in.

Things have settled down somewhat, to a semi-stable state. We've made the changes to his meds and our routine, and have slowly started to recover from the madness of his hospital stay. Took us a few weeks to find any sort of equilibrium and start enjoying our resumed holidays. Running low on food/groceries over Easter did not help us with that process. Now we're up to doing anything fun, holidays are over and we have two weeks of way too many appointments ahead. Arguably useful things; aside from hubby's medical stuff, NDIS have finally organised my planning meeting. We'll see if any actual support comes of it. In either case, it will be another lengthy period of recovery ahead from the heavy social and sensory demands. Never seem to get to enjoy actually being recovered before we're knocked on our butts again.

We did get to do a few arty projects, and spend some time playing video games over the last handful of days, so I guess it's not all doom and gloom. Hoping to be up to doing anything of the sort over the weekend to get some spoons back. Fingers crossed.

Hope you guys are doing okay. Kind thoughts to you both, 

Blue. 

[sbella02]

Blue, that's good that the NDIS have organised your meeting, and I'm also glad to hear that you're making the most of the down time you're both getting, that's really important to have quality time with each other and it's especially good to be able to look back on the enjoyable moments later when you're feeling down.

I'm alright, no major life updates from me for now which I suppose is a good thing!

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Blue and wave to SB,

I'm glad you got to do the arty projects and play some video games. I find creativity the most helpful thing. It sounds like you are spending quality time together.

All the best with the NDIS meeting. Hopefully it will lead to meaningful support.

I am doing ok. Working on treatment of existing health conditions and heading to the city tomorrow for a medical scan/procedure. I have had significant improvement with recent meds. I finally got my DSP application in a bit over a week ago. It is apparently at least a 3 month wait for the outcome.

Take care and much kindness and support to you, hubby and Mr Feisty xxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hi SB,

Thanks. I've had the meeting now. Seemed fairly positive/productive at the time, though I know these organisations talk a good game but aren't so good at delivering. In time we'll see if something useful comes of it. Anything that does is a win.

We're getting better and better with minimising stuff we don't want in our lives and maximising quality time. It's been quite a relief to actually have anything positive to say when people ask how we're doing!

I think coasting along without anything major happening is pretty positive, as long as the status quo comes with a neutral or better emotional state. I hope that is the case for you.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

Thanks. We've been getting a lot of pleasure and connection out of both these things. I absolutely agree about creativity, I think it really helps to pull the mind out of any given rut it might be in. Hubby has been really encouraging with my art, too. I love seeing his delight when I show him my work. 🙂

Thanks. It's all still in the works, but the meeting is done with. That was probably the hardest part.

Glad to hear you're seeing significant improvement in your health. Good luck with the scan/procedure. Fantastic work getting your DSP application in, I know how hard that would be. I wish you the best of luck with this.

Hubby, Mr Feisty and I are all doing pretty well. Having solid boundaries in place for the majority of our time (i.e. keeping appointments and nonessential admin to only 1-2 weeks of the month) has been really working for us. Though we certainly still have our challenges, quality of life in our household has been improving greatly. It's a nice change.

Kind thoughts to you,

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Hello dear Blue and wave to sbella,

I’m so happy to hear that things have been improving greatly. Boundaries are just so important aren’t they.

It’s lovely to hear how encouraging and delighted hubby is when you show him your artwork. I recently bought some coloured pencils and paper to draw on as I felt a compulsion to draw to process some things. Alas, other things have taken precedence and I still haven’t gotten to it yet. But I want to very soon. I don’t consider myself very good at art or drawing, but probably the right approach is that any creative expression is ok and meaningful.

I’m glad that it sounds like the meeting went well and I do hope that positive outcomes arise from it. It’s like a set of procedures that have to be navigated to receive the assistance you are looking for.

It’s wonderful that things are looking up at the moment. May you, hubby and Mr Feisty enjoy your time together and creative endeavours.

Sending very best wishes and kind thoughts,

ER