Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER & SB,

Thanks for being here and offering your support, both of you. I meant to reply sooner, but it's been a wild ride the last few weeks. Hubby's health has taken quite the nosedive and he's been in hospital. Without going into too much detail, things are looking kinda grim. Well, they're always grim, but more than usual.

ER, sorry to hear you're struggling with perimenopause. I'm having a few challenges related to perimenopause, myself. The treatment for those (hormones) destabilised my mental health for a bit (thankfully not too long), so I can understand to some extent what you're going through. I hope you have good support through this.

Sadly, with everything going on at the moment, I haven't been able to work on my D&D game or much of anything else. I still hope to, but that will have to wait a while. To answer your question, SB, I have been playing D&D for years. I love making outlandish characters and doing the voices/accents for them. In hubby's game, I help him with world-building, too - coming up with monsters and animals, local cuisines and stuff, which is great bonding for us. This would be my first time as a DM, though, so I have a lot of learning to do.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[Croix]

Dear Blue~

I've nothing much to offer except I have an idea of what things are like for you (and you hubby) following the extended illness of my first wife. You are already both wise and know to  snatch what fragments of happiness you can.

If planning to be a DM is an outlet that would be great

Croix

[sbella02]

Blue, I'm so sorry to hear about the decline of your husband's health, and I can see why D&D hasn't been at the forefront of your mind during this time with everything else going on. Perhaps that's a venture for a later date.

Wishing your family all the best during this difficult time. Hope all goes well.

All my love, SB

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Blue, SB and Croix,

Blue, I’m sorry to hear about hubby being in hospital and the decline in his health. I hope you are both able to enjoy a peaceful Christmas Day today (if you celebrate Christmas). Sending much care and support to you both.

Making outlandish D&D characters and doing the voices for them sounds like so much fun. It sounds like you and hubby have a great, inventive time with characters and world building.

 I’ve just started HRT in the last couple of days and have noticed improvements already in sleep and my anxiety level.

Sending you warm wishes and a big hug (if you would like one) 🤗

ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey Croix,

I know you have been through what I'm going through now. You would know as well as I that nothing really prepares you for it. But as you say, the big thing is finding beauty and happiness where we can in the time that is left to us. It's hard with all that we have to process as things march toward their inevitable conclusion. One day at a time, I guess.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Thanks SB. In some ways it would be better for D&D to be at the forefront of our minds. Those little moments of happiness Croix mentioned. We did do a kind of mini game in hospital that his best friend ran. It was a welcome time out from the stress we are dealing with at the moment.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

Thanks. Christmas was complicated. He was able to come out of hospital for a day visit, but his health dipped badly and I had to take him back early. It was pretty harrowing, to be honest. Nevertheless, they stabilised his condition in the following days and he is now back home, albeit needing much more intense care, he has even more medication and medical equipment than before.

I find those things really important for connection. Sometimes you just have to step out of reality and be somewhere else, be something else for a while. Moreover, to just be. We don't get a lot of that, these days.

I'm glad to hear the HRT is improving your mood and sleep. It's so hard to manage your mental health if you can't sleep, and it can turn into an awful cycle. I hope those things can become more and more manageable for you.

Hug sounds good, thank you. (*hug*)

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

This post is not going to be light or easy reading, so maybe leave off if you're feeling fragile.

For those reading who don't know, my husband's condition is terminal. Time and again he has exceeded doctors' expectations of how long he will live, but each time those expectations grow shorter, and his health has continued to decline. The latest hospital visit came with an estimate of weeks, maybe a couple of months. He may yet defy that, but there is only so long someone can keep going with the daily struggle he lives with. He's receiving palliative care and we are (finally, after well over a year like this) getting some (surprisingly little) in-home help. I often wonder at how we have both managed to adapt to all this, that it has become our normal.

So much is going through my mind right now. Incredible grief, and anger, and bitterness that I can't just concern myself with my husband and our time together. I have the added concerns about my financial future. I had to quit my job to care for him, nor would I be able to work like I was before after he's gone, autistic burnout coupled with grief aren't going to make for a suitable employee for anyone (never mind that work had severely burnt me out and damaged my mental health well before my husband got this sick). I have very few professional supports in place, and those I have are temporary and highly unreliable. I have very few personal supports. My husband is the one and only consistent (in-person) support I have in my life, who listens and accepts me as I am, who gives me comfort and doesn't judge me, who validates me and prioritises me. I don't relish the thought of going back to the life I had before, where everyone in my life would conveniently vanish when I needed them, either unwilling or too dysfunctional to be there. Oh, I'm fantastic at soldiering on alone, going through the motions, but I don't particularly want to be the closed off person I used to be before he came into my life. I have no confidence that it won't be necessary. I just want my husband, for our life together to continue. And I know it can't.

[sbella02]

Oh Blue, I'm so sorry to hear that. My heart breaks for you. While I'm glad to hear that he's also receiving in-home and palliative care, I understand that it's definitely not an ideal situation to be going through yourself, and watching somebody you love go through.

You've had to make some really tough decisions recently, and making life decisions in general can be difficult, let alone with added factors such as the declining health of a loved one, or limited available support. It sounds to me like you're doing the best with what you have, like making the decision to step back from your job to care for your husband. Your compassion and love for your husband is evident.

It's also very normal to be closed off after a traumatic event or during grief. Of course, if we lose somebody who we consider to be our confidant and a significant contributor to our happiness, we can feel empty. I'm sorry to say that I don't have much advice to offer in the way of grief, as it can look very different for different people. I can only offer my support and say that we, the Beyond Blue collective, are here for you. 

In my experience with both myself and others around me, there is no singular way to deal with grief, other than how you feel you need to at the time. Allow yourself to cry, journal, vent, meditate... your mind will tell you what to do.

Sending all my love and best wishes.

[mmMekitty]

Hello Blue,

I'm saddened to read your husband's health has deteriorated so much, & you aren't expecting him to survive much longer.

Without good support around you & your husband, this will certainly be an extremely difficult time for you, dealing with your deepest emotions & the practical decisions as well. & I'm sorry, I don't know what to advise you,

Somehow, we do stumble our way through the most difficult times in our lives.  & we're stronger than we ever seem to be aware we are. That's about all I know.

My warmest thoughts, with hugs,

mmMekitty