Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

[lookingforme]

Thank you for the kind words Blue; for not telling me the generic "you will be missed" but for telling me that I add value. I don't get told that very often, even from those people I let close to me, so again, thank you. I think pretty highly of that slob on the internet 🙂

I have always had trouble with the concept of one finding oneself. It seemed very...nebulous. How would one do this? Where is the end point? As if finding oneself was like a standardized formula that anyone could follow, resulting in being found. But, I know now. And when I'm not depressed it is liberating. To learn the answers to my questions, not for anyone else but myself, and that is enough.

Yea, I almost chickened out. That vice grip on my viscera happened again. He asked to see all my scars, and I just told him everything about my past. The words came out like stammers and stutters and there was minimal eye contact but, someone should know that the cracks are showing.

With regard to my knees, I came up with either a crane system or hydraulic lift. And, if I go up high enough, maybe abseil down.

Yea, this sort of brings us round full circle (see what I did there?) to the beginning of this convo, where we spoke about how depression just exists around what we do, it can either impact or not.

I'm getting caught up with none of anything that surrounds me shows any part of me. I've mentioned before, like I don't really have substance, just a ghost or a shadow of myself. I live essentially in my parents' storage room, one wall is lined with boxes, another, a closet of theirs. Everything that I could use to express myself in anyway is stored somewhere, too much to pull out and put back in. I actually only have a closet, the other one is full of parents' things (the room is big and there are 3 closets in total). I got rid of the friends here who didn't treat me well (all), so I'm pretty isolated. So the two people who know I exist, don't really know me much at all. In fact, most of the time my mum calls me by my brother's name, and my dad calls me by my mum's name. The little things that make me, me, ceased. I don't feel comfortable in my environment to open myself up and share. The change I exhibit is the very thing those same two try to fight against, so there's always conflict also. Everything just looks bleak and bland and dated. And I'm like dry sandstone, slowly crumbling away.

The bird got a smile out of me too. I hope you're asleep.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

You're welcome. I don't do generic platitudes, they make me angry. But I understand that most people don't really know how to give much of anything else. They're not good at really seeing anything outside of themselves, and less so at expressing it, and though they want it themselves they tend not to understand that others need regular reminders of what we mean to them.

Finding oneself is kind of nebulous. There is no end point. It's a constant process of learning and changing and growing, of questioning absolutely everything you believe and think and do, and when you think you're done, re-examining those same things because they don't remain static. I've always done this, and though the depression caught me eventually, I think my self knowledge did a lot toward holding it off for so long, and it's what's steering me (so, so slowly) back out.

Sounds like you had a pretty productive session with the psychiatrist. I'm glad of that.

I find myself picturing Mr Burns on the little lift scooting upstairs.

We do seem to have come full circle, don't we? That said I don't think depression is entirely independent of what we do, but it does have a way of skewing our perception on the positives, so we have our work cut out for us, sometimes.

I can see why staying with your parents is getting you down. Is there no possibility of getting your own accommodation away from them? If not, see what you can do with the immediate surroundings. Do you have a bedside table? Or even how high is the pile of boxes? I'd chuck a cheap blanket or curtain or something over them, and sit some momentoes on top. A photo, a nice candle holder, things like that. You said you enjoy art and photography; maybe display something you've created. As much stuff like that as you can, really, to make the space yours. Even a temporary environment needs your stamp on it, to give you strength. I'd recommend a necklace, too, that has some symbolism for you (of course, I have a few with birds on), as a portable anchor when you're struggling. Even if it's under your clothes where no-one else can see, having a tangible things that is definitively yours can help, and your parents can hardly give you a hard time about what they don't know about. Just a thought.

Birds always make me smile, especially my two. They're such amazing little things, so full of personality. I'm in awe of how their bodies work even though they're so tiny.

PS I'm actually still in bed (with a bird). 🙂

[lookingforme]

I don't think a lot of people listen or register what they say. Amounting to endless platitudes and the same level of ignorance. Personally, I try to think it through, give my words meaning that is tailored to the recipient. That's what I provide to the people I let in. Otherwise, I don't really say much.

I realise that now. I have always questioned my actions and changed based on what I come up with, but I've never connected it to finding myself. Just growing.

I kind of did, yea. I could see his face though, what he wasn't saying, but showing, was how grave my situation got. The seriousness got upgraded a bit.

should just get a hover board like back to the future though, balancing on gravity is hard enough for me.

Circles are good. We now know more than we did at first, of each other, we can add more to the discussion. Not really independent but always present.

I do have a necklace, it's the one in my picture. It's my talisman. The boxes are ceiling high. And I could try asserting more of myself on my space but...maybe slowly. I just don't have the energy.

Birds fascinate me also, from an anatomical perspective. And I love to watch the in flight. Calms my brain. Reminds me of the time I flew a plane.

Relaxation at last ey? Nice 🙂

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Proper awareness of either self or others is sadly uncommon. Personally I try to be aware of both, and the interplay between my own actions and their potential impact on others. I am guilty of giving the odd platitude (or an uncoated harsh truth) to annoying people I just want to make go away, but generally I take care with my words. Sadly, that sort of thing is often lost on people, but I disdain empty catch phrases bandied about in the absence of thought.

It may not be a great feeling to see that change of expression, but there's something to be said for someone, paid professional or otherwise, taking your situation seriously. It's a good thing, and that you are able to be so frank with your psychiatrist is a solid step in the right direction.

I so want a hoverboard.

You're right, the depression is always present.​ I beat the **** out of it every chance I get, of course, but it's not going down without a fight.

I did wonder if the necklace in your picture had any significance. I'm glad it does. As for the other stuff, obviously do what you can handle, but if you're able to put up one of your pictures or something I do think it would help. I framed some of my photographs for the first time shortly after my ex moved out, and it really did a lot to change the feel of the place. I see one of them every time I walk in the front door.

You flew a plane? That's brilliant. Can't say I've ever done that. Watching birds fly has a different significance for me. I just enjoy seeing them do what makes them happy. It seems less majestic when you have a bird occasionally misjudge his landing and barrel straight into your face, merrily clawing his way up, to sit on your head (the elder of my two is usually pretty graceful, but now and then has an attack of the clumsies).​

Aye, I relaxed briefly. Then I got up and spent hours on a bunch of the jobs that have been piling up whilst I've been all funny in the head. They're back to manageable levels, now, and it's good for morale to get some things done. Also I got to chill and play video games for a while, after. Overall, today has been productive and good. I could do with more like it.

[lookingforme]

What kind of games do you play? I was very tempted to buy Fallout 4 this morning, but I realized that I have no time right now for it. Or, that I would prioritize playing it over studies...I'm currently up late finishing an assignment, and I'm counting down the hours until I have to wake up again. I'm in the middle of the Witcher 3 but, haven't played it in a while, so maybe cancelling fallout was a good idea.

Yes, I flew a plane and been parasailing. It was beautiful, that feeling of gliding. Adrift on the wind. Nothing on quite compares on terra firma. Something about heights and depths just captivates me. Waling the midline on ground, with gravity, well, I'm about as graceful as a bird barreling into someone's face. Generally, my face and the floor really.

The necklace, this may sound idiotic, but I bought it on the best day of the year last year. I was alone on the beach in the homeland (if you don't already know, Sri Lanka), away from family and I didn't have to be anywhere that morning, just what I wanted. Plus, two of my closest friends were getting married that evening, so just really happy for them. I thought to myself, if after all the crap I've been through, I can still feel good, for me and for others, then maybe I'm not doing so badly. I felt strong, and it sort of makes me think I'm a warrior/survivor.

Honestly, I don't have much wall space actually. I kind of just look at my pics on my blog. Which someone commented on, with praise. I was so shocked because n one has ever left a comment before. I honestly thought no one reads it. So that was a pleasant surprise.

I sometimes wonder what would happen if, in my head, I just personified my depression and then just befriended it. So instead of working against me, I could make it a companion, with me but not against me. I haven't figured out the details yet. You know, I leave it in peace, it leaves me in peace? I'm tired, rambling is a side effect.

I would use a hoverboard the same as a skateboard, on my behind and paddling the air somehow...What a sight.

Yea, I like that he asked me to think about my depression, come up with answers for myself, treated me like an equal, and cared enough to just listen without speaking. I trust him more now.

If I don't know what to say, I just tell people I don't know, they don't like it very much though.

I'm glad you got rest and accomplished a few things. Keep fighting that good fight.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

I suppose you have the right idea of picturing your depression as a companion, since you're kinda stuck with it. Personally I see mine as this kind of... frenemy, I guess. Have you watched Deep Space Nine? I see it as kind of like Gul Dukat. This complex thing mired and fully believing in its own delusions, trying to convince everyone else they're true. It has his voice, but a more etherial shape. It's a thing I would stab and pummel and attack in every conceivable way, though it dissipates as steam or smoke, and eventually reconstitutes itself for another go. That's my personification.

Gods, I have the best imagery of you on that hoverboard. It's great.

I like the sound of this psychiatrist you're seeing. He obviously knows what he's doing. Kind of wish I could see one myself, but the money's just not there. I expect if the money were there I'd have one less debilitating problem adding to my depression and probably less need for psychiatric help in any case. Go figure.

Today has been a social sort of day (pleasantly so), and now I'm home again. Early start tomorrow, and everything in me is rallying against the idea of going to bed early. I want to do my own thing for a while, and enjoy my own company, but if I do, I lose out on sleep. It's always one or the other, and I'm so tired of that. The fight continues.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Sigh, here we go again. There's another post in there, but only the later one has appeared. I answered all your points chronologically, so I'm sure it'll make more sense when the other bit turns up.

[lookingforme]

I have not seen Deep Space Nine, but that sounds exactly right. And I fully understand about the smoke and the dissipation. My companion would indeed be made of just that. More substantial or denser than smoke but with smoke like properties. Orbiting around me like a planet but without the predictability. Usually on my periphery, sometimes behind me and out of sight, and sometimes so blatantly obvious because it's right in front of me blocking my view.

Haha, how fast am I going, paddling the air?

I actually can't afford a psychiatrist, but I can afford less not to be on meds. And the way the rules are here, only a psych can prescribe them to me. Before Saturday, it wasn't something I wanted to invest in because he served a purpose and I didn't think about the other side, his other purpose. I think the whole mental health industry is more expensive here actually, doing the conversion, though I guess there would be a range in Aus as well.

Hmm...I would suggest sleep. You haven't been getting much at all lately. I say this out of care of course, and just as a suggestion.

Ah, the posts. Have you been saying controversial stuff recently on other threads? I got so paranoid a few weeks ago that I was being watched by BeyondBlue. Actually in other things as well, but everything I wrote took ages to show up and the convo would go on without me. I shall keep a look out.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Yeah, it does a lot of ducking and weaving, then jumps out right in your face. Thinks it's funny, perchance. I do like the idea of this personification. I may do some work on it, find some appropriate art since I'm not so talented with it myself (or at least have a spot of learning to do).

Your paddling isn't going so well. You're a bit upside-down. 😛

I understand your position. I can't really afford not to see one either, but it's literally that or enough food, so we have a clear winner. My financial situation is a significant portion of my stress, as I'm paying a mortgage on my own with barely enough work to cover it. But it is what it is.

Your advice re sleep is sound and wise. I of course chose to play a game, instead. I'll probably regret that tomorrow, but for now my spirits are somewhat improved.

I haven't been particularly controversial today (perhaps I should try harder), so no particular reason for it I can think of. Posts just get caught up sometimes, I think; from chat in the Café I gather it happens to everyone quite often. And if I'm being watched, I'm unconcerned. It's a public forum, that's to be expected.

To bed, now, though I want to play some more. I do have one of my little puffballs nestled up against my face, sleeping peacefully though, and that's reason enough to rest. He gets quite indignant if I move and disturb him.

[lookingforme]

Definitely thinks it's funny; like when a sibling places their hand in front of your face but says that you can't do anything to him/her because they aren't touching you. You try to do something anyway, and suddenly you're in trouble. You've latched on to something, nice.

Hah, sounds like the time I went horse riding. The saddle was loose and I ended up riding on the side of the horse. Am I clinging to the overboard? Or does it have it's own form of gravity. A seatbelt perhaps?

I understand the stress. I'm sorry that you're going through it.

I wouldn't say either decision you should regret, you did something for yourself either way.

Hope you got your rest.