Battling the booze

[Kazzl]

When the black dog bites, many of us reach for a drink. It can ease the pain, help us relax, block out what's going on in our minds. If it's just the odd drink now and then, even one or two a night, there's no harm and maybe even welcome relief. But for some of us, many in fact, literally drowning our sorrows becomes a problem in itself. We drink more and more until the booze takes over, and drinking becomes all we want to do. 

That was me for a long time until I finally realised the combination of booze and depression would kill me. If I wanted to live, if I wanted to be able to manage my depression, I had to get sober. I did, nearly five years ago, and it's the hardest thing I've ever done.

If booze is controlling you and you're not controlling it, this thread is for you. If you want to regain control - get sober or moderate your drinking (which for many is harder than quitting) or if you're worried you are drinking too much, join us here.

On this thread I'll talk about my battle with the booze and offer advice and support to anyone who is struggling. I welcome anyone who's been there or is worried they are going there, to join in. And I hope others now living sober will come here to help our friends who are struggling.

One thing this thread is not is a place to discuss how much a drink or two helps you. It's not an anti-alcohol thread, but it's not a general discussion about alcohol either. It's for people who are genuinely worried about it or who want to control it, and it's a place of celebration (without judgment about drinkers) for those of us who are now living sober.

I hope anyone who's battling the booze will join us.

Cheers 😀

Kaz 

[Doolhof]

Hi Lynda and All,

It is so wonderful to read that our daughter was there for you. At times with my depression, I think that no one cares, that is part of this crazy illness!

Trying to not partake in anything that harms us can be a real battle, wether it be drugs, alcohol, binge eating, not eating, self harm or what ever. Congratulations to all who are fighting hard to win the battle of resistance!

Keep on being determined and congratulate yourselves for realising that you need to change things.

Cheers all from Dools

[pipsy]

Hi Dools. Yes, my daughter's reaction blew me away. She wasamazing. There was absolutely no judgement, just caring and intense love. She certainly has grown up from where she was a few months ago.

Lynda

[Resillence]

Hello everyone, I'm new. When Geoff (and White Knight) kindly welcomed me in the introduction thread he suggested I join this forum.

Firstly, I'd like to say that I am in awe of everyone who has managed to 'battle the booze'. Thank you for giving me hope that I can also. I will read every post here and follow your wise advice. For those still struggling, like me, a hand extended in understanding and empathy.

I don't want to rave on about my "drinking story" let's just say it's been a lifetime curse. We each have our individual why's and wherefore's, but I do wonder if my bipolarity had of been diagnosed earlier in life, I might not have 'self-medicated' for so long.

When I did finally accept my addiction because of failing health, I had several rehab stints, tried AA, but once home alone again, failed miserably. I don't think I was ready to let go of my 'only faithful' frenemy (friend/enemy).

I continue to drink to calm the inevitable anxiety that comes with withdrawal. That's what scares me the most. My anxiety separate to that, is unending as my youngest son has been battling cancer the last 4 years and his prognosis is very poor. I'm running out of resilience, hence my name.

On the one hand I know I need to be well for him and my 3 other teenagers, on the other, I don't really give a (...) about myself. My bipolar head often tells me that I'd rather not be here to deal with the very real possibility of losing my son.

So yes, a vicious circle of well intentioned plans every morning not to drink, then the disappointment/beating myself up for not keeping to my promise.

Sorry for the long rant, don't mean to take advantage, just feeling so very alone. Thanks for listening

[geoff]

hi Resillence, thanks for coming to this specific post and I hope that other people will reply back to you just as I will. Geoff. x

[Kazzl]

Hi Resillience, welcome. I am very glad you've joined us.

You are most certainly not alone here - in fact when I read your comment about wondering that if you'd been diagnosed with bipolar earlier in life you might not have self-medicated for so long, I teared up. My story too. I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 about nine months ago. I'm nearly 6 years sober, so I managed to beat the booze long before my diagnosis, but did it ever put me in a spin.

As you probably know, people with bipolar disorder have a higher propensity towards addiction than most, so alcoholism and other substance abuse problems are quite common amongst us. When I was diagnosed I went through a bad time of anger and regret - I lost far too many years to the bottle, if only I'd known what was driving it, I might have been able to prevent it. Then again, maybe I wouldn't have, who can know ... what matters is here and now.

Just my opinion, but I reckon when we're in a low, when things are hard in our life - certainly something as difficult as having a child with such a serious medical issue - we do self medicate. We use booze to find oblivion, a break from our brains and all the distressing stuff that's occupying our minds.

Then, when we're feeling up, the relief of not being depressed or distressed makes us want to never let that feeling go. We chase the feeling, and we try to prolong it with alcohol. We can't have just one, because we need more and more to keep the feeling going. Chasing the feeling in a hypomanic state, whether through booze or anything else, can cause us all sorts of problems, but it's fun at the time.

Trouble is, eventually we can break our off switch. So where other people can moderate their drinking, we can't. Well, I should say I can't - certainly not all bipolar people have that problem.

As with anyone struggling with the booze Resillience, to quit first you must really really want to. Once the will is there, it's still a hard process, and it takes time to 'stick', but it's so very very worthwhile.

Do read through the thread, you'll find a lot of good advice and support through other people's stories. And feel free to post any time you want here.

We've all been through it here, and we're here to help you and cheer you on when you're ready.

Best wishes

Kaz

[Resillence]

Hi Geoff, Hi Kazzl, (everyone)

Thanks for replying.

I'm so grateful there is so much more awareness and services available to our youth these days. For what 'if only's" are worth, Kaz, I was also very frustrated when I was finally diagnosed with bp. Drinking, eating disorders, smoking ciggies and dope, suicide attempts since age 12 might have caught someone's attention surely, let alone my own otherwise.

It's not always obvious to yourself that you're living the wrong way, or barely at all, it's just all that you know. And that's exactly the hardest part in changing. The idea of living a 'normal' life is so very foreign and absolutely terrifying for me.

I'm stuck between needing I know to, and really, really wanting to, as you said. I'm not sure how to cross that gap. The continual conflicting voices in my head like to tell me 'what's the point, you've caused too much damage to your body already, likely to die soon anyway" and the other voice screams out no, not yet, my kids still need me.

I do understand 'you cannot give to others what you do not offer yourself' so a definate zero in self-care. How do I learn to like the person I am right here, right now, without the pressure of what I should be / become ?

Perhaps whilst supporting me here, you could also direct me to other threads to learn the skills. Good that my bp is well-managed, otherwise I'd probably post everywhere, try to help everyone except myself. Though I will give back, promised.

Thanks again for listening.

[Kazzl]

Hi Resillience - I have another thread you might like as well. It's called This Bipolar Life, under the Long-term Support on the Journey board. I've learned a lot from the others with bipolar (1 and 2) on that thread and had the most fantastic support there. We also have some fun together 😄. You would be very welcome.

Cheers

Kaz

[Moonstruck]

Just thought I'd check in with you Kaz and Geoff. You always seem to give sensible advice . Hey, my 4 years anniversary without grog comes up next week in case anyone cares.

I thought I'd been in just about every situation where I'd be tempted to have a drink, just a couple, to watch the old anxiety levels drop, to give Dutch Courage, to console me when I was depressed and filled with sadness, when I was scared..the list goes on.

I resisted it all without too much trouble actually. Watching others drink, being in pubs, clubs is not a trigger, for which I am grateful I haven't had to deal with being tempted in those places.

But....in a little while I will be in a situation, not new, just an activity I have taken up again after literally decades...(I had a trial run last year) and it will be the FIRST time I've ever taken part WITHOUT a drink beforehand for Dutch Courage, or during to "keep my sparkle and fun" . Last year's practice run was the first time I'd ever done it without grog - I marked that as a little personal pat on the back for me..no one else knew.

I felt myself getting a bit anxious the other night and thought "Oh God if only...if only...just one drink and I'd be fine, the anxiety would GO".

As the activity progresses over coming weeks and more is demanded of me...how the hell am I going to do it? I've always had some alcohol there to HELP me - that's why I was so good at it!! What if it was the grog that was doing a good job...and not ME at all?? How do I carry out my obligations STONE COLD SOBER??

[1113]

Hi All,

Just thought I'd pop in here to say hi.

I haven't read any posts yet, but it would be my honour to get to know you all.

Peace

Matt.

[Kazzl]

Hello Matt - you are very welcome here my friend! I know your kindness and good thoughts will be a boost to us all. xx

Moonstruck my lovely - may I be blunt? Stop it. Stop doubting yourself young lady. It's you that's good at this mysterious activity, not the booze. You don't need it. You didn't through your trial run, you haven't for four years (four years!! Woo hoo!!), and you don't now. It's just stage fright possum. And if you drink now, you don't know how well you'll control it and might blow everything and fall off the stage so to speak.

Don't sabotage yourself hun. You can do this, unassisted and certainly unhampered by booze. So there.

You'll be stone cold bloody fabulous.

(And I'm really pleased you checked in here hun, I really appreciate that, and I understand how tough this is with the evil awful drinking thinking ... even if lecture you. 😊)

Love

Kaz

xx