Anxiety and depression/loneliness

[Branka]

Hi to everyone. I have recently moved to Melbourne from Sydney to be with my 2 younger sons and grandson. It was a major decision as I had been living in Sydney for 50 years. I thought that moving would be great. My anxiety and depression has become worse. I have had clinical depression since I was 16 and anxiety for most of my life.

I am living with my youngest son and his wife. He abuses me verbally and emotionally and I now wonder if the move was wise. I simply don't have the energy nor finances to move back to Sydney. I feel lonely and sad as I just don't know what to do. I have no friends however, I have started working whicj has made me feel better.

I am divorced and unable to protect myself from my son's abuse. This is making me extremely anxious and sad. Why did I move in with him? Because I thought he may have changed particularly as he had recently married. I was wrong and feel really confused.

I am new to this forum and hope that I can find some support. Thank you.

[Mathy]

Hi Branka, how lovely to hear from you!

I may be a bit stupid, but how did they expect you to look after a new puppy, when you have a cat? Even the nicest cat in the world is going to have a hissy fit over a puppy 🙂 - Trust me, been there, done that, got the T-shirt 😂

As far as the Christmas lunch invite, I feel you have to be firm. Working Christmas Day is good money, and often quite enjoyable - sometimes more enjoyable than doing the family “do”, given the amount of stress that can involve. Besides, you’re establishing yourself in this job, it’s important that you do the “team” thing and take a share of the less “popular” shifts.

I feel you did great by saying you would attend, but would be late. It would be great if your Son met you halfway and accepted that.

I agree with Croix, older son has redeeming virtues - but needs to understand that you have life. He will learn a lesson about not making assumptions about your availability. Perhaps both of you could decide to communicate early about Christmas 2018?

I hope that you have a wonderful Christmas Day, enjoy your new home and pop in here if you have time, I’m sure there’ll be quite a few wandering in and out during the day, bestest, cheers M 🙂

[Branka]

Dear Croix and Mathy

Merry Christmas and safe holidays.

Branka xxx

[Croix]

Dear Branka~

What a nice surprise!

I wish you the very best of Christmases and a much more peaceful and settled year to come (Miranda too),

Croix

[Branka]

Hi Croix and Mathy

Hope you had a great Christmas and best wishes for the new year.

Sorry I haven't posited in a while. I have been working alot and come home very tired. Apart from anxiety and depression I also have fibromyalgia and suffer from chronic fatigue.

Work has been great but I find myself struggling a little financially but I'll get there. Problem is I worry to much.

On the family front my youngest son invited me to see his new house. I did go feeling a little anxious. However, there were no arguments but I could feel the distance between us. I saw him again at Christmas dinner at my other son's place and again for dinner for my Grandson's birthday. I hugged and kissed my youngest son but he was like a statue. No response at all. That's ok. I can't change him but I can let him know that he is loved. We don't talk to each even though I have tried.

There are times I feel lonely like now and feel like crying. I was quite sick a few weeks ago and not one of my children rang to see how I was. They have always expected me to call or message because I am the PARENT.

I am happy that I have Miranda for company as well as you guys. Thanks

Branka xxx

[Mathy]

Hi Branka,

It’s good to hear from you!

I feel that your youngest son’s response is not what you want. But, if you go back earlier in your thread, it’s an improvement. You can’t force change, but you can be patient and consistent, and allow him to change in his own time.

Now, back to you 🙂 Have you made some friends at work that you could do a little socialising with (if that’s ok for you)? Something once a week or so, nothing fancy that involves spending too much money.

I do have a friend who has fibromyalgia and understand how difficult it can make life at times, have you given yourself a pat on the back for doing awesomely well? Well, I’m giving you one!

cheers M 🙂

[Branka]

Hi Croix and Mathy

Hope you are well. I am doing ok, working as much as I can. Still waiting for more permanent shifts.

This week I found myself struggling a little financially so I asked my youngest son for a little money (he actually owes me money). He agreed. He gave me $100 which is all I needed till payday. Biggest mistake. I was abused and yelled at and told to get out of his house. I left crying.

When we lived in Sydney he asked me on numerous occasions to pay for bills which I did. He never returned his and his wife's portion of the bill. So this left me out of pocket but I never complained or asked for the money.

What is family for if we can't help each other from time to time. He hasn't changed. He said he looks for reasons to be nice to me but can't find any. When I try to talk to him he cuts me off. He wants to know why I haven't invited him ovet to my place. He fails to realize that I do shift work and when I am home he is sleeping because he works nightshifts. I still feel very nervous around him. When he looks at me it's with disgust.

I really don't want to see him because he makes me feel so awful but I love my daughter in law.

I have been crying again and it's not good.

Branka xxx

[Croix]

Dear Branka~

We are always pleased to hear from you and despite the latest bit of news are basically glad you are managing so well. I say so well because the basic situation with your youngest son has not changed, even though everything else has. Unfortunately if there is going to be change I'd guess it will not be for quite some time.

I've said this before, as have others here, it can be very hard not to believe at least a little of what is said or even attitude, however in this case it simply is not true and is manufactured to make you feel bad and gain advantage over you. Sadly some people simply cannot participate in a normal loving relationship, but have to push others down and try to control them.

You have said in the past you have other children, how are you getting on with them? If you get short of cash can you look to them instead? Hopefully you will get permanent shifts soon. It is another hurdle, like finding a place that took a pet. You got there.

I'm glad you have Miranda. Our dog died recently and the hole in our lives was tremendous. We have just got another from the pond and it is settling in. A world of difference.

Croix

[Branka]

Hi to everyone

Iam sorry I haven't posted in a long while. I hope you are all well. As for me I thought I was doing ok but I am feeling depressed and very weepy. I do not regret moving away from my son but the move has left me struggling financially.

I can't ask my sons for help as they have their own financial commitments. I can't talk to them about my problems because they don't want to know. It's so hard because as I have mentioned before I have no close friends I can confide in.

I am still seeing my Psychologist and she has stressed that it would help me to open up to my sons and let them know what is happening in my life. I don't want my sons to think that I am a failure because that's how I feel at the moment.

I am working as many shifts as I am allowed and it's just helping me to pay rent and bills. I have loans that I am struggling to pay despite requesting reduced payment plans which only last a short time. In the meantime the interest rates keep increasing. It's a no win situation.

My youngest son had a BBQ at Easter which I was invited to along with my other son and his family. It was pleasant as my grandson was there. I still feel a coldness from my youngest son and my other son didn't speak to me much either. Thank God that I have two great daughter in laws and my gorgeous grandson. Despite being with my sons I didn't feel I was part of the family. I really think this has something to do with me. I tend to be careful of what I say around my youngest son as he is quick to snap. This whole thing about family being there for each other is lost on me. I have done nothing but love my boys, gave them everything I could and made many sacrifices.

Thanks for always being there for me.

Branka xxx

[Croix]

Dear Branka~

Welcome back, it's a pity things are not that good for you at the moment, but nice to catch up.

I'm not sure I'd agree totally with your psychologist. Has she been given a totally accurate idea of things since last September, or have you perhaps presented a somewhat kinder picture of your younger son?

All though the time you have been here it has been pretty obvious that your younger son has been only a cause of grief for you. If I remember correctly one of the reasons you are financially stretched now is your help in the past and reliance on him for a decent place to live - something that ended badly.

What do you think about being more open with your elder son and your DIL? His reticence at the BBQ may perhaps have been caused by the presence of his sibling. Considering the words your younger son had with you before I can't imagine how you could feel welcome of part of the family in his house. Looking at it all from the outside I do not think it is you at all. I think anyone would feel the same way.

You did say before you got a great deal from your work - I don't mean financially - is that still the case? As for being maxed out with your shifts, are you locked into just doing your current line of work, or can you get something else to help with the bills too? Having someone live in and share rent could be another avenue. I don't know your situation of course and are most probably guessing about things you have already considered.

One thing I think is most important. There is no way you are a failure. While you probably won't believe me I'd like to emphasize that. You were in a most difficult and upsetting situation, being psychologically and emotionally pressured against your best interests by your younger son. Despite his manipulations you got away and freed yourself.

Having your DILs, grandson and hopefully older son are things to treasure. Is Miranda OK?

We are always here for you

Croix

[Branka]

Hi Croix

Thank you for your reply. Miranda is a treasure. As for work I am enjoying it particularly when I cook. With regards to share renting I only have one bedroom and I wouldn't be allowed.

At the bbq my youngest son didn't speak to me much at all. I talked to my Psychologist and she said that it is a form of control. I have been honest with her regarding my youngest son's behaviour but there is always a mother's hope that he will change. I have always tried to look for the good in people including my son.

At the moment I am still so worried about my financial situation. It is really depressing me. I don't know if I should find a new job especially when it took me so long to find my present job. A new job means starting all over again, I just don't have the strength. It was difficult when I moved to Melbourne from Sydney. I am settled in my job and love the people.

I am praying that things get better. I am trying to stay positive but it's really hard. I am too much of a worrier.

Branka xxx