Alone..Depressed..Sad..

[Ggrand]

Hi..I'm new here..just need to put my feeling down..no one to talk to makes depression and anxiety so hard...the last 4 days I have either been in bed crying or on the lounge crying..I can't seem to get out of this...I am becoming a prisioner in my own home as its getting progressively difficult to go out.. I have to go out Tuesdays so I do everthing on that day but it's like I'm holding my breathe all day until I get back to the safety of my home then I can let go and that starts the cycle again of spending the next 6 days at home either in bed or on the lounge sad and depressed...I really feel like just giving up.. My husband passed away 4 years on This coming Thursday. My children live 6 hours drive away and have small children so I don't see them that much.Bad mum and grandmum I am on there last visit i was pleased to see them but I just wanted them to go home. I feel so aweful and numb atm..

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩, Paws and everyone...🤗..

Thank you Paws for the biggest...gentlest...most comforting hug...I needed it so much...I have ask for my post on worse jokes to be removed...thank you for your kind words...I automatically think if someone says bad to me..they are referring to me or my words....
The new WW supporter took me to VS counselling yesterday... She seems nice, but talks so much..doesn’t stop talking...I am quiet and don’t talk much unless I need to....

VS counsellor and myself mostly talked about me making choices..and why it’s so hard for me..I tried to explain the best I could to her......It’s just that I am lost when I get out of bed....I don’t know what to do...I feel I’m needing to wait for something...but I don’t know what...I also feel like my life doesn’t belong to me....and shouldn’t be doing anything, because its not my life, to do things with, so I just wait day after day..for what I don’t know...My counsellor said...she knows what I’m talking about, but would like to leave it until the new year to talk about it....she said many people who experience long term trauma feel the same....and it’s a long bumpy road to tackle...She changed to subject to our fur babies..she has a cat...My next appointment is the first Thursday next year...

Today I gave my furs a cool bubble bath together...They like eating the bubbles..I get more wet then they do...

Physically I’m okayish Deebi...had a yucky episode with my heart a few days ago...It like to play racing games sometimes...but it settled down after an extra med...

I hope you’re coming down okay Deebi...big love and super care dear bbff..💜🌹🕊🌱🐻🤗..

My love hugs and care to you all...💜🦋🤗.

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy...🐉🐛🐜🕷

[demonblaster]

Oh dear Grandy 👩‍❤️‍👩 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗 hi everyone ☺

How incredibly sad you living that way.

Well done lovey really mean it well always do for explaining that so well and clearly it must have been so hard to word.

What comfort it must be her understanding. Taken a long time to get the help you desparately need precious soul.

Oh no another talker 🙂 good she's nice. I'm assuming you don't know where the other one is. Strange.

I'm seeing positive cause she might finally get you walking this one well hope so.

Been wondering how you're going today beautiful. I sussed that thread gorgeous. Always got an 👁 eye on you.

Paws that was a beautiful caring post to our favourite Grandy Floss.

Absolutely loved reading and often do read posts of yours to Mr 😍 about you giving our gorgeous furs a bubble bath was a classic. Loven them eating the bubbles haha can just picture it the cute jobs.

Oh Grandz thanks for saying I've been worried about your physical health. Geez how frightening not knowing what it'll do and doing. I imagine you're used to it but still must be yukko.

Sweety ok if you don't want to say... I'll just nag ya later 😄😉 are you smoking. Hard hard one especially u der high stress. No judge just I want you as healthy as po for evs and more 😚

Darl I've been thinking which I do a lot about you. For something to do I know there are terrible triggers but possibly I might have a major win for you. I know you loved sewing and embroidery. How do you feel about doing that again because you'd be reclaiming something a pleasure that was taken away from you.

Maybe you could make clothes for homeless or people struggling financially and of course yourself. Embroidery on cards ir by itself for elderly people.

If when beasty bites you reinforced this is your p,easure and you want to do it.

God I love you darlin lady. You're pure Gold dear friend. Sorry I didnt get back to mine it's hard again posting. Yes doing ok but to a lesser degree still hard at times but mostly catching the sleep up so going ok thx sweetylove.

You're absolute magic lovely lady. Always yAdimh lysvm which will only grow stronger 🤗

PubAok sweets 👩‍❤️‍👩💜🦋🔥⚘

[Hanna3]

Hi Grandy,

Trauma can have strange effects on us. You say you are just sitting waiting, you've been through a fair bit of trauma lately with the shop business, maybe you just need to give yourself time to recover from that dear lady? Also it's been very hot and that makes everyone not want to do much. Don't be too hard on yourself.

It's nice you gave your furs a bath. We have rolling thunderstorms here today, are you getting them too? It's hard to do anything in this weather with storms coming through off and on. I should be writing Christmas cards but it's hard to make the effort to think what to write!

Little Sam is afraid of thunder so he's sitting squished up against me on the couch as I write this....

Anyway I just wanted to send soft hugs your way...and let you know you're thought of. hugs.

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩, Hanna and everyone...🤗..

It’s okay Deebi...been feeling this way for so long..I never felt comfortable telling my other psychologists, because they give answers from a book..not from their heart or insight...the one I’m seeing now..is so different and explains what my mind is doing to me...I trusted her enough to disclose my inner most feelings of my brain..I only hope I did the right thing by releasing those feeling to her..

I want so much to be able to sew, knit, embroider, even read a magazine once in a while....They all feel like a chore and have no meaning to me..Nothing does except my fur babies..and of course here at BB...idk what to do anymore, I’m trying to find something different, I have never tried before... but everything looks to hard..

Yes Deebi..I do smoke some..not as much as before..can’t seem to do without them...especially when I’m stressed...one day I’ll stop..soon I hope..but for now they help me relax...sorry if I let you down...

I think was anxiety attack..been waking sometimes through the night the same...Counsellor said I’m probably having flash back dreams...even though I don’t remember dreaming when I wake up...

Over all my mental health is okay, nothing major happening with it... stuck in at plateau that at least I can deal with..

Hanna..we had some thunder and rain today..not much but right now it’s pouring rain, thunder and lightning...some big sudden banging thunder sometimes... It’s scary but comforting at the same time..my dogs don’t like the thunder either..they were both fighting to sit on my lap, so I put their beds on the lounge each side of me..now they are sleeping peacefully...😁.

I hope everyone has had a good day today..

Thats okay Deebi...take your time with replies and sleep as much as you can to help in recovery...Love you as well precious bbff...💜🐻🤗..so much wish it was the day..😢..

Love, hugs & care dear Hanna, Paws and everyone...

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy..

[Hanna3]

Hi Grandy (waves to Deebi, everyone)

I've only popped by for a minute but I'm just wondering if you're mind has been through so much turmoil with trauma during your life that it just needs you to sit and rest and do nothing for long periods - I am like that quite often. I like to sit and not do anything at all. I think our brains just need to rest and try to process everything. Anyway that's how it seems to me..

We had some nice rain here this evening and it's lovely and cool... little Sam has been playing tug-o-war with me and gosh he is strong for a little dog - he wins every time!

Fluffiest soft hugs oooo

[monkey_magic]

Hi Grandy & everyone,

I think location has a lot to do with it as well.

If I rem correctly there isn't much to do in your town?

I'm in a city so everything is pretty accessible plus I drive so can go anywhere.

I don't think it really matters how much we get done in a day as long as we're content.

I rem the subject was brought up before and I'm not sure if this would help at all but I've recently been looking at cabins with an annex, caravans with an annex in really good locations which don't break the bank.
Would/ could U sell and move somewhere different? Near the water?
It could make a difference to your life and U will be in a hopefully friendly community.
I've thought of this option for myself one day as I can't see myself paying off a mortgage. I might even buy a granny flat. Hey, there's another option. Moving to a granny flat, or will that be too small.

Just putting the suggestion out there.

I can see you perhaps walking at the beach, swimming in the rockpool, fishing, browsing the shops. The sea air does wonders.

Sometimes it takes a leap of faith for life to change.

Having a social aspect of life is really important for other areas of life. Because that's missing maybe that's why other things don't hold as much value to you.

Some aren't motivated because of medication...

There would be reasons for you feeling this way Grandy.

I'd love for you to have sunshine days where your happiness spills over...

You deserve a break. If anyone does it's you.

[demonblaster]

Dear bbff 👩‍❤️‍👩 hi everyone ☺

Lovely lady it really isn't ok though.
Nobody should have such a hard existence. Oh sweetyheart bloody people!

As we know there certainly is many good ones in the world, here's proof and that majorly includes you precious soul 🤗

Grandy being able to speak of your deepest pains absolute Gold.
I hope and imagine there must be a freeing sense although of course the pain still rises but here's hoping beautiful lady it'll be easier to handle.

It sure can be hit and miss.
Actually ages ago a v.good thread about "what do you want from psychologists" I've been meaning for ages to bump it because I have some more to input.
I think it's good to know why our minds lead us to beasties ways.

I feel you're a good judge of character Grandy.
You trust her. You've learnt the worst way to know and be wary of trusting people.
Because of that my thoughts you'll be ok with what you told her.
She knows how terribly damaged you are. She'd also know the purity of your heart and the life & dominance you lived under.

I get it feeling like a chore, well said lovey that's exactly how it is!
That's ok we'll learn to break that wall in time.

How often I too am so grateful you have your beautiful little bubble on the nose then running round the house and yum yum bubble food eating them oh the gorgeous furs so does yours Paws and Hannah ☺

You're so willing to have a go at something new.
If and when you meet new people it's so hard.

I wonder if you try something new here and there like you want to could break the barrier a tad let alone the satisfaction of achieving new skills. You certainly have ability to learn always respected you trying and researching for improves 💜

No huns you could never let me down. I understand. Happy you're not smoking as much tho. Be careful plz Grandz.

I guess so much pain being uncovered would unsettle your mind. I like to think it's leaving your body. Horrid way to wake poor love 🤗

So good that you can handle this plateau. Sounds like more progress lovey

A life time of pain from the beginning takes time to unravel and rid.
You're a very courageous lady.

Thanks lovely about taking time for replies it gets so hard doesnt it.
Another ripping 🤕 today about to take daily limit of otc meds. Cried my heart out with the pain also coming down I guess.

Love you besty bbff. Couldn't not. You're a beautiful person.
Always 🤝 our Golden thread ☄

I know darl I wish so much too 😢..

[Tess2]

Dear Grandy,

i am sad that you are going though this stuff.i will try to send you lots of positives. I admire you very much and see you as a lot more resilient than you think you are.

The past does not define you, it is gone. I know it is not so easy to let go I hold onto stuff I should have let go of years ago.

But I am working on just being in the here and now and not thinking too much about the future.

it is another hot day here in WA so I won’t do too much, maybe clean up a bit and do some ironing. I am always ironing! It amuses my sisters no end.

I will also clean out the bird cages and do a bit of shopping.

i am really struggling with retirement, I feel like I am n some sort of waiting room with all the best , productive parts of my life behind me. And managing it on the pension is not much fun but I must get on with it .

my little granddaughter comes to stay with us tonight, for two nights. That is the highlight of my week. She is so precious and loved.

i think of you a lot and wish we were allowed to exchange photos and things, but it isn’t so.

Take care my dear friend

tess

[Ggrand]

Hello Hanna, Magic, Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩, Tess and everyone...🤗..

Thank you all for your very caring and beautiful posts..Such lovely people here on BB..so much wish that everyone was the same...

Hanna..Thank you for popping in....I do nothing most days..just sitting outside looking at what’s around me..but my heart health will deteriorate quicker if I don’t do some walking or light exercises...Sometimes I use the little peddling machine..but not much...

Magic....I do enjoy walking along the beach...the salty air is so soul cleansing...and I am a water lover...haven’t been in the sea water now for more then 8 years...It would be so refreshing...I have a bbff that lives near a beach and thats the only one beach I would move to...if I was to move that is....but I don’t know which one..it is 😢..I couldn’t move where I don’t know anyone..it would be to overwhelming for me....It’s quiet here..no traffic...When I don’t want people around I lock my gate and drive my car in the back carport...

Tess...Most times I can keep my past tucked away at the back of my thoughts...Until something brings them to the front and then hard to put it back to the back, until it runs its course and finishes doing it’s job... PTSD imo is the king of beasts...I think because it strikes at lightening speed...My counsellor is explaining what my brain does once PTSD has been triggered...and different ways to ground myself quickly, before it takes hold of me....Its all so confusing, how our minds can be damaged...I put my trust in my counsellor...she said it can be managed...I believe her..

Sounds beautiful your precious granddaughter visiting you for two nights..I haven’t seen any of mine for over a year now...Family is so precious..

Deebi..Awe If it’s okay I’ll pop back in tonight and reply to your post....Much love bbff..💚👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌹🤗🐻..

My love, hugs and care everyone....💜🤗🦋..

Grandy...

[Paw Prints]

Hello Grandy,

It's lovely hearing how you feel you can trust your counsellor... it's even better to hear that she takes the trouble to make sure you understand when she explains things & that she does know how trauma affects people rather than just saying stuff she got from a book. Feeling safe enough to share... that matters so much if we are to learn how to get better. I think I would trust her too... simply because you mentioned she changed to talking about your furs because there is going to be a break until you next see her & so it wasn't a good time to start on something new. That shows such an understanding of how our minds work, I wish I could find someone like her.

Woofa is helping me write this by sitting on my lap & keeping watch looking out the lounge window for those pesky fairy wrens he thinks he needs to warn me about by barking. He will deny any suggestion he is sitting on my lap because he wants me to protect him from such tiny birds. 😉

I've not been using my pedal machine either... I know I need to push myself... I'm getting less & less fit.

Huggliest of hugs

Paws