TW: Suicide. My 29 year old brother took his life a few days ago.

[Fresh_static_snow]

I am feeling a lot of guilt around my brothers suicide. I know this is common, and I know I'm being too harsh on myself.

We had spoken a few hours previously, about nothing important, just a bit of banter on a group chat with my sister. A few hours later, out of the blue he sent a message saying "sorry.", and I don't remember if i saw it that night or not, before I went to sleep. I keep thinking that it flashed on the screen and he must have been apologising for saying something he thought was 'too much' whether it be a joke or him expressing his feelings. All that I do know is that when i finally acknowledged the message, it was too late. He had taken his life sometime while I was asleep.

He was 29 years old, very smart, and very driven. We had lost our father to a motorcycle accident early 2019, they were best friends, and he had taken it very hard. He was also going through separation with his partner of 8 years, and was also struggling with his career.

I know he had been going through a lot, but I didn't like pressuring him too much to seek help because he was a bit stubborn and hated being told what to do. Looking back through messages he had sent me though, the warning signs for suicide were there, I just read them as depression.

He always apologised for expressing his feelings, I always told him it was more than okay, but he still felt like a burden no matter how many times I tried to explain I wanted to help. I had previously taken a few weeks off work for my mental health, and I feel this may had stopped him from opening up - maybe he didn't want me to worry or didn't want to add to my problems. But I'm the kind of person who wants to help no matter what.

I keep thinking that if I had just seen his message, maybe I could have gotten him to hold on for a little longer, which I know is selfish of me because he was obviously in so much pain.

I love him, and miss him so much, and the empath in me wishes I could have taken all his pain away. He was too young.

Please look after each other. Please seek help if you feel you need it. You are not a burden.

[Petal22]

Hi Fresh.static.snow,

Wellcome to our forums.

So sorry for your loss….. it must be so difficult for you…..

Please know we are here on these forums to listen to you and support you…..

[blondguy]

Hello Fresh.static.snow

my heart goes out to you....your heartfelt post would have taken incredible strength to write so soon after...

and your father passed recently in 2019.....

do you have people around you that can be there for you?..... I hope so

we are here and listening

Paul

[Petal22]

Your message is so beautiful and true…

Please look after each other. Please seek help if you feel you need it. You are not a burden.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Fresh.static.snow

Welcome to the bb forum and thank you for having the courage to make such a personal and poignant post, whilst in the depths of your own pain.

I am so very sorry for the loss of your brother. I have lost a family member in the same way and know something of your pain. Hugs to you.

I have a daughter with a MH condition and her symptoms fluctuate. Thank you for the reminder to always listen carefully to what she is saying, particularly about being a burden on me—which she is not and never could or would be.

Please remember that this community will always be here for you as you work through your grief. Post anytime.

Kind thoughts to you

[Sophie_M]

Hi Fresh.static.snow, 

Thank you for sharing this. We are incredibly sorry for your loss, we can't imagine how you must be feeling. We hope there is some comfort in the words of our community here, some of whom have been through something like this. 

It sounds like you're in a really tough space and if you feel up to it, it might really help to be able to talk it out. Our lovely friends at Griefline are available 6am-midnight AEST, everyday on 1300 845 745. They offer confidential counselling support, free of charge, to individuals who are experiencing loss and grief. One of the friendly counsellors will be able to offer you some support but can also provide you with advice and referrals for seeing a counsellor in a more ongoing way if this is something you might find beneficial. 

Please also know that the lovely counsellors at our Beyond Blue Support Service are always available to talk through these feelings on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 11am-midnight AEST.

We hope that you find some comfort here from our wonderful community, and please feel free to keep us updated on how you're going, whenever you feel ready. We echo the sentiment shared by Summer Rose: this community is here for you, anytime. 

Kind regards,  

Sophie M