teen suicide grief *trigger warning - suicide*

[l_h]

it’s been 6 week since i’ve lost my best friend to suicide and i’m so lost. she was only 18 and we had so many plans together. she was my soul mate i swear. we never fought, we were so similar, yet so different. she was so beautiful and the most caring and giving person i have and will ever meet in my life. i’m so blank without her. i only turned 17 a couple of months ago and with this isolation, loss of friends and social contact and the ability to come and go as i please to the outside i don’t know how i’m going to continue to do this. it’s so hard. we continuously talked about all the stuff we were finally going to do when i finally turned 18 and now she’s gone and left me and i’m so lost, so lifeless. i just want her next to me, to just hear her sweet laugh one more time, or her beautiful smile. i’m just so empty, i have no care for anything anymore. and i wouldn’t per say i was suicidal as i could never even think to wish the pain of losing a loved one to my family and friends, but i just have no care anymore. i got in a really bad car accident 2 weeks ago where I could have died but i just didn’t/don’t care. this isolation is killing me even more slowly cause i have no way to grieve other than crying in my bed or just laying there with no emotion. i just wanna know if there’s any tips or things i can do to fix me.

it hurts so much

[Aaronsis]

Hello l.h

I am so sorry l.h that you have to go through this, my heartfelt love to you at this time. While all our pain is different, I totally understand the feeling, a bit about me: I lost my 19 year old brother to suicide in July. We had no idea that he was suffering with depression and anxiety and that he was going through some many mental and emotional battles. So his passing was a total shock and something I can tell you I never thought I would have to experience in my life, so I am here with you, to share what I have done and what I do to try to see that there is life and there is happiness after suicide.

6 weeks ago is still so very very soon and you must allow yourself whatever time and space (COVID-19 is giving you that) to get through the many different faces of grief. There is no text book to this so that is why it is so bloody hard, some days you feel horrendous like you just can't take another breath and then days that you feel quite good and have some fond memories, then the guilt comes for feeling good, there is a journey to go on to process this l.h, and I am just so very sorry that you have lost your soul mate, your best friend and someone a piece of you. Your friend will always be with you in your heart and in your memories, and that is something to acknowledge too, that she did have good times too, that her battle with life was also filled with good times. I think it is good to know that she wasn't always in pain and that she did have joy in her life. At the start of my grieving I tended to focus on how bad my brother must of been feeling and how bad life was, but when I sort some counselling I learnt so much, that we need to acknowledge the good times and that there was laughter and fun and joy in her life.

The answer to sum up my wellness journey is part a: being here and talking and learning (soo much) and sharing, then part b:seeking some grief counselling, to learn to share and fall apart with support. I hope that you will consider some grief counselling as it really helped me get to a point of being able to cope.

I am so sorry you have lost your friend l.h, there are no words that will make it better, there is just time, which I also believe does not heal all wounds, it just makes it different, and manageable..I also wrote a journal, it was raw, it blamed, I was angry and sad and let it all out, it was for no one else to read, just me, more on that next post running out of characters...

Huge hugs and love to you

Sarah xxx