New baby. Passed away mother

[Pyjamas]

Three months ago my mum lost her battle with cancer. All my mum did for the 18 months that she was diagnosed, was talk about the fact she was dying. Every conversation surrounded death to the point that I tuned out to it and then when she did actually die, I couldn’t believe it. It’s like I became desensitised to her dying to the point where I didn’t actually believe she would.

I coped ok for the first two months. Just did what I had to do. I was more angry than anything else. Then something inside me broke and now I have to take life hour by hour instead of day by day. I’m absolutely miserable. No energy. Showering feels like a massive task.
have been to the gp and see a psychiatrist For medication. I’m currently trying a third medication but feel so so low so don’t think it’s helping. Psychiatrist wants me to stick it out another couple of weeks but surely it should have worked by now. I’ve been on it around 6 weeks. I’m miserable. So stuck in my own head with the circling thoughts of “what’s the point in life” “ why are we even here”. I wish there was an off switch.
I have three kids, one being only 4 months old and I need to live and not be such a head case but I just can’t function. I barely leave the house these days. Maybe once or twice a week when I absolutely can’t avoid it.
I’m so sick of feeling this way and I hate myself for it because I should have the power to turn it off and change but I just can’t.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi there

I'm so sorry for your loss, and I'm really glad that you're getting some help. It can take a bit of trial and error with medications and yes, they take some time to see results. Usually the marker is 6 weeks, so you're right on the line with that one. What a pain. I understand what it's like to be stuck on the "thought train". I've got a different situation, but the constant thoughts swirling is honestly the worst. Sometimes I say out loud "just shut up!" as I can't take it any more. Talking out loud and hearing your own voice can actually be a circuit breaker, so maybe you could try that for a little time out. Meditation can also be helpful for this. It might be hard with kids to look after but even a couple of minutes a day, can provide some relief and help us get back in the moment. These are just small things, that may help a little.

As for grief, it's different for everyone, and doesn't follow a pattern, despite common misconception. Please don't beat yourself up for the way you feel. Our feelings generally don't come with an off-switch (how wonderful if they did!).

I wonder if you have a support network around you during this time that you can lean on a bit? Family or friends that could help out or give you a bit of time out? There are also groups that you can join for grief and loss either on line or maybe in your area. You could google if you think this might be something you'd be interested in or might be helpful for you.

Sending you a big hug (if you like hugs) because it's really hard to be a mum and do what we need to, when we have stuff going on. Keep reaching out, and try be gentle with yourself. Katy

[White_Rose]

Dear Pyjamas

Welcome to the forum. I can relate to your story. My sister died from ovarian cancer. She lived in the UK and I went to see her. Much of her conversation was about death or how unfair it was she had cancer. I found this difficult at times and kept trying to remind myself I was not the one who had cancer and neither was I the one dying.

It is hard to listen but from a couple of other people in a similar situation it seems a common thing to want to talk constantly about our imminent death once we learn we have a terminal illness. I am sure there are as many different reasons as there are people but I know how difficult it was for me to listen. When my sister passed away I was left with similar emotions to yours. It was hard to accept it had happened even though I knew it would happen one day in the not too far future.

Death is scary for many people and knowing it will happen soon probably makes it harder to accept. As a race we do not talk about death very much and it's usually a more abstract topic. A bit too close for many who have a terminal illness. Please remind yourself we all grieve differently and there can be a long time between the death of someone we love and feeling upset at the loss. For me in regard to my sister, who was close and very much loved, it took at least five years before I had any feelings about it. In retrospect it seems weird and I remember at various times wondering why I did not get as upset as I did when my mom died.

I think my grief for mom and my sister was different in some way. Mothers have such a large role in our lives and when they pass away it leaves a huge hole. It may also be a degree of desensitization as you say because of the person's continual talk. This did not happen with my mom. Her death was unexpected and I had not seen her for a while. She was also in the UK. Perhaps the shock blasted away, so to speak, all my defences against being hurt. I cried continually for months.

I do not intend this to be a comparison or to say you should feel more distressed. I think the circumstances of the death of each of our loved ones determines, to some extent, how we react. Horses for courses if you will. Let your grief come and go as it will. You have done nothing wrong in mourning your mom's death. And you will come to a place of acceptance and peace. That's a promise.

Mary