Hello Lemonadetears
Briefly, no, I don't think you are 'mad'. Being human, we are capable of grieving all sorts of losses. When you feel a loss, the loss comes with pain, hurt feelings, a sense of something being missing, maybe an empty, hollow feeling. Sometimes people grieving feel anger, or guilt, or frustration, or confusion & don't understand what's happened or what is happening to themselves after. The feeling can feel bad to have, & seem to cause us more pain & we might also wonder why we feel so much about what we've lost, like our reaction is too much & we shouldn't feel so strongly.
When your thinking & feelings feel out of control, try to pause a minut, just to allow yourself to feel whatever you feel.
When I've done this, I like to write about what I'm feeling. I find that helps to straighten the feelings out, & get the thoughts in order, & stops the feeling like you are in a whirlwind, going around & around.
All the things you are feeling are ordinary human feelings, strong feelings, true, because you are experiencing something deep & meaningful to you.
Your feelings are your feelings, neither good or bad.
Your thoughts are your thoughts, neither good or bad.
That's important - no judging them as good or bad.
Instead, you can watch them, as if watching on a screen, if you like.
I know, I found this really helpful when I was simply trying to name my feelings.
Yeah, I think what you feel is real. I have felt such losses, relating to actually wanting to 'lose' my past. I have also changed my name, for similar reasons. As I age, I am experiencing other losses, health, sensory, memory, & there is a grieving to be done now, too, it seems.
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Sorry, my thoughts are wandering, but I hope they help you a little. Be kind & caring towards yourself.
Hugzies
mmMekitty
