I miscarried my first child at 18.

[DM95]

I’d just turned 18 three months before I took the test that showed up with two pink lines. Looking back now, I wish I’d made more of an effort to keep it safe, it was the only thing connecting me to my baby and it was lost when we moved houses.

I wasn’t in a relationship. I was barely an adult. But I knew for sure when my doctor asked me what I wanted to do, I couldn’t go through with an abortion.

But two weeks later I got the news most pregnant people don’t want to hear. I was miscarrying.

I never heard their heartbeat. I never got to see them. They were just gone. Two amazing weeks thinking I was going to be a mummy, taken from me just like that.

I’m 24 now and I still really struggle with the loss of my baby. Thoughts keep running through my mind.. what could I have done differently? Is it my fault I lost my baby? Will I ever have a family?

It feels like I’ll never get another chance at having a family and my heart hurts. My heart hurts thinking about the child I could’ve had. How they would’ve started school this year. I feel like I’ve missed so much because my chance at being a mother was taken from me and sometimes I just really can’t cope with that.

[Sophie_M]

Hey DM95, welcome to the Beyond Blue community. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. We understand these thoughts must be very personal and intimate to you, so we appreciate your willingness to open up here.

It must've been really difficult for you to go through the process of finding out you were pregnant, deciding to keep the baby and then for this to end in a miscarriage. We can imagine this would've been a massive loss and shock to you and we're so sorry you had to experience this. Can we ask, do you have any mental health support? We understand it can be tough to cope with thoughts and feelings like this, especially if you don't have a lot of support from family or friends. If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport 
They will give you support and point you in the right direction for help in your area. Griefline is another Support Service you might like to speak to about these feelings of loss you're experiencing. GriefLine is Australia’s only dedicated grief helpline service that provides counselling support services free of charge to individuals and families who are experiencing loss and grief. 

If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best help support you.

[Aaronsis]

Hello DM95

Welcome to the forum and to sharing such a painful and heartbreaking story, I hope you can feel some support and some comfort here in this beautiful community.

Regardless of age, miscarriage is a devastating and horrific experience, although I have not personally experienced this I have a friend who has, and seeing her pain I can only imagine how difficult it is. You had so many hopes and so many dreams and to have them taken away without your choice is really hard to manage. Can I say that DM95, this was not your fault, that you did nothing wrong, sometimes a fetus is just not able to survive and that is at no fault at all of you. Mostly things go smoothly in pregnancy but sometimes they do not and as the human body is complex and we are asking it to create a new life, things can and do go wrong, we are after all only human. However, these things are out of your control, you are in no way at fault and are in no way to blame.

You may already know of SANDS however I wanted to put the link here in the event that you have't seen their website:

https://www.sands.org.au/miscarriage

There is some really wonderful support and some great ways to help manage this devastating event.

I am sure that you will go on to have a beautiful family of your own one day DM95, I am sure you are going to go on and have beautiful babies to hold and to cherish.

I understand how heartbreaking this is for you and I really hope you can reach out for some support on this to allow yourself some peace and allow yourself to know this was not your fault.

We are here for you to chat and to comfort you DM95.

Huge hugs to you

Sarah

[DM95]

Hi Sophie

Thank you for your response. I do have mental health support. I see my GP twice weekly, my mental health peer support worker 3 times a fortnight and my psychologist once a fortnight, she’s the one that suggested I have a look at the beyondblue forums.

Thank you for the suggestion, I’ll have a look at griefline. I’m lucky to have the supports that I do, but I struggle a lot after hours, mostly at night time, when I can’t contact them and it can be really hard trying to deal with it on my own sometimes. I feel like I have a lot of grief and feelings that have no where to go.

[DM95]

Hi Sarah,

Thank you for your response. My psychologist suggested these forums to me and from what I’ve seen there are some very kind people here.

i think I’m starting to learn that maybe it wasn’t my fault, but I still have my weak moments where I blame myself. It was such a heartbreaking thing to go through and it feels like the pain is something that will stick around forever.

I have heard of sands, I think they’re a great service but unfortunately haven’t really been a good fit for me.

I really hope that one day I’ll be able to have another baby. I can’t wait to be able to experience the beauty of pregnancy and childbirth, and being able to raise my own little person.

Thank you again 🙂

Danielle

[Aaronsis]

Hello Danielle

I am so glad that you have found support here and it really is a great place to hear about other people's experiences as well as share your own feelings, without judgement or criticism.

I am sorry Sands has not been the right fit for you but I am happy to hear that you have support in the form of a therapist and your GP too, this is really great to hear also.

You will have a place in your heart always for your dear little baby and that is totally fine. You never have to "get over it" and you most probably wont, and that is fine. What we do have to do is learn to make grief our friend and to learn to live productively with it. I too suffer from grief and I am just 10 months down the track so it is all very much an adjustment for me, however I am in a much better place from being here on the forum, sharing and also learning that I was not at fault and I am not to blame.

I know you feel guilt and your feel responsible for the outcome but can I ask you a question? Would you blame yourself if you developed arthritis, would you blame yourself if you had chronic migraines? I know that they are very different to the loss of a child but what I am getting at is the body is a very complex machine and one in which we sometimes have no control over the outcome, you can eat well and exercise at do your best at keeping the machine in it's best condition, however, the machine will wear and tear and has complex parts that do their own thing. We have no control over these things Danielle and while it does not take away the pain, the loss of your baby was certainly not your fault.

So maybe you make a little garden or have a special candle you light or a crystal that hangs in the window, to honor the baby you lost. You can take a moment to say hello each day and to recognise but you then allow yourself peace and happiness and the chance to heal and to release yourself from the guilt.

Having a baby is a wonderful experience, it is also hell for some people however, whatever the future holds it holds and if that is with a baby to hold in your arms it will be beautiful.

It is really great to chat some more to you and I hope you find something wonderful to acknowledge your baby and I look forward to hearing about that.

Hugs

Sarah