I lost my dog to sudden illness, the grief is too strong

[Tradie_Lady]

Hi there

I lost my dog a week ago to sudden illness. He was only 3.5yrs old and he was my everything. He was my first dog that I rescued from a shelter. He provided me with such support and gave me a purpose to keep going. Last year I started IVF and currently 2 rounds have failed and he was there to let me know I was loved and needed.

Having him suddenly take ill and then dying has shocked me to my core. I can't be in my home alone as he is everywhere I look. I feel so guilty that I couldn't save him and miss him so terribly that I feel like the grief will swallow me whole. I don't know how to function or move forward knowing he is not by my side. My boy was everything and now I have lost purpose.

[Aaronsis]

Hello Tradie Lady

It is really great to chat to you some more and I am glad that you have come to chat if you are struggling, I hope I can help you through today.

Firstly, happy 4th birthday Gryff, he will be with you forever so it is obvious that you will celebrate his birthday, the only sad thing is that he is not there and that makes it so very hard. I have only two weeks ago been through the very thing you are, my brother's 20th birthday. We were to lay his ashes and be together as a family, due to this virus I was not able to be there, my dad and his wife went ahead and it really broke me that I could not be there for the occasion and to support them...BUT....I made some cookies, I had a cake, I talked alot about him and had a cry and remembered how we used to do things. It was a hard day but I wanted to do what we would have had be been alive, this made me feel like he matters, cos he does and so does Gryff, he always will.

Can you do something today that is special, like make a cake or even light a candle, just something to help you mark the occasion, it really does help.

It is totally fine too to be still grieving Tradie Lady, there is no time limit or rules on this so please don't beat yourself up about mourning. You will have days as you know that you manage the pain and you think of Gryff fondly and smile, then there are the other days like today when it hurts so bad and you are devastated. It is all apart of the process and sometimes we move forward and then we find ourselves a few steps back.

I am so very sorry that your lasted IVF didn't work out, that must be so very hard on top of this as well. It is a really tough time with what is going on and that doesn't help either. These times are really challenging and not knowing how long we are going to be doing this for is also confronting too. I know this is absolutely no consolation however I feel like being pregnant at this time would not be ideal, especially the appointments in hospitals etc..I know that this is not any consolation for you but it is a very tricky time with hospitals and you are probably best away from those. Please don't think I am trying to minimize your IVF and the pain you are going through, I most certainly am not.

I am here for you to chat as much as you need, I hope I have helped today. I dont feel like I have xxx

Huge hugs

Sarah xxx

[Tradie_Lady]

Hi Sarah

I am so sorry that you are also have to experience these feelings, especially when you cannot be with your family to share what is such a hard time. I am so grateful that you are taking time out to think of others and responding to me.

You are right - getting pregnant now would be even scarier than when we were 'normal' - I didnt have too many tears when I knew it didnt take, the pain of losing gryff is the hardest I have ever experienced so next to that it felt like a cake walk. Also I think that going through it twice before meant that I had a realistic expectation of what could happen if that makes sense. I just wanted gryff there to share the loss with and it all sort of compounded I think.

I knew today was going to be hard. Its the first milestone since we lost him that we have had to go through. Its been hard when memories come up on facebook of things we all did together that have made me suddenly try and catch my breath, but even trying to mentally prepare for today hasnt stopped random bursting into tears from happening. I guess its one small benefit from having to isolate at the moment.

We have a special place for Gryff on our mantle with a favourite pic of him with his ashes and a candle that I have been lighting most nights and a small chat with him to tell him I love him. I just hope wherever he is he can hear me. I must sound crazy.

You have helped Sarah, you have no idea how much. I know this can't be 'solved', but having someone to listen and not judge what might sound crazy gives me permission to have these feelings

thank you and returning the hugs

Tradie Lady

[Aaronsis]

I am here sitting with you tonight Tradie Lady. Talking to Gryff and having his beautiful picture and a candle sounds perfect. I hope there have been some times today that have made you smile when you have thought about your boy?

Thank you for your words. It is really tough this whole grief thing.. as you very well know. I would not be anywhere else though as being here is so good for my heart. The love here, the support, the way people care for one another, but mostly... I can hopefully give someone who is feeling so down some hope... something I could not do for my brother.

IVF I can see is a hugely emotional and exhausting experience.. I can only image the intense range of emotions that could be experienced in a very short time and that in itself is just so hard. I pray with all my heart for you to have a baby of your own. Until then I am here to sit with you and comfort you on your journey.

My thoughts are with you tonight and sending you my love and support.

huge hugs to you tradie lady x

Sarah xx

[Tradie_Lady]

Hi Sarah

I hope you were able to enjoy your Easter weekend, even when the world feels so different.

I had a not so great experience today, and the anxiety attack to boot didnt make it any easier.

A friend has just gotten a puppy and wanted advice on what to feed it, so I sent some articles to her. Which got me researching if we were feeding our new pups the right thing. I came across tuna and how it is only meant to be a treat every so often. We fed gryff small cans of tuna to gryff quite often, and the new dogs as well. Reading that it is meant to be a every so often food made me overwhelmed with guilt that I had killed Gryff. I had not knowlingly given him foods that caused his death. The guilt was so strong that it triggered a massive panic attack and the only blessing being that I am working from home so could remove myself from the workstation.

I know reading this might sound really silly, but I sit here and think - did I kill him?

[Aaronsis]

Hey Tradie Lady

I am so sorry that when you were trying to be helpful and enjoy in your friends new puppy that it has turned to you feeling so very bad about yourself and infact escalated to a point you are blaming yourself for Gryff's death. Can I firstly suggest that if you were feeding him something that was upsetting him that he would give you some indication that it was not agreeing with him, I am no vet here, but I think that as Gryff passed so suddenly that it was not food related.

I have had this idea and I am not sure how you will feel about his but it might really help you in your journey to find peace with Gryff's passing and also to know some information so that you can relieve yourself from the guilt that you carry that you had a part to play in his passing, which you did not. How would you feel about making an appointment with the vet who cared for Gryff and having a chat, letting them give you some actually information that can put your mind at rest and also these vets are amazing people and I am sure that chatting to Gryff's will be really comforting for you??? What do you think?

My Easter was pretty quiet, just really trying to keep busy and my new profile pic is the Easter Bunny that I painted..lol...while it is not that great painting has really kept my mind active and I am really enjoying it too. I have been doing some dancing and just trying in general to make the most of each day.

You are not silly, you are a beautiful person who cared so deeply for her best friend and his passing has really impacted your life, there is nothing silly about that. I just hope that you can find a small piece of something inside to allow the guilt to pass as this was not your fault.

Hope to chat some more and to see what you think about a chat with the vet.

Huge hugs

Sarah xxx

[Aaronsis]

Hi Tradie Lady

I wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you today, on Mother's day as you miss your beautiful Gryff, as well as the reminder of your journey through IVF. I wanted to extend to you my heartfelt thoughts and I hope that you are well and that you are ok.

Thinking of you today xx

Hugs

Sarah

[geoff]

Hello Tradie Lady, excuse me for commenting on your thread so late, but wow the feeling of losing a pet and yes, for me it was a dog I'd had for a long time, can never possibly be easy and I'm very sorry for you.

They instantly become part of the family, who is going to feed them or take them for a walk and hope we don't have to take them to the vet.

How priceless they are, they always know when you're upset or not feeling well, but the best part is, they are always there for us.

Priceless.

Geoff.

[Tradie_Lady]

Hi Sarah
Its been a while since I have posted. I hope that you have been keeping safe and well during these times. I appreciate you continuing to post and check in on me, thank you for your ongoing kindness.

I read your last post and had a long hard think about reapproaching the vet. But when we were going through everything with Gryff, we asked all of the questions that we could in regards to what could have caused it. Even they didnt know and we had specialists working 24hrs on him. They couldn't understand it either. It just breaks my heart still as all I wanted to do was protect him.

I have found that when I walk our new dogs I find myself sometimes comparing - which I know is wrong, and also tends to make me cry when I walk. I have been crying most mornings thiking about him.

I have also been struggling with the IVF - a combo of grief and relief. COVID forced me to step back from IVF and let me body recoup and my mind process 3 losses over a 6 month period of unsuccessful transfers. I had amoment to breathe. Recently I have started again to think I could do this and last night a friend told me they were pregnant. Great news for her, a trigger to spiral for me. I really struggled last night to find meaning in my own life after everything that last year dealt me.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Tradie Lady

Thank you for coming back to chat and I am just sorry it is not an easy time for you with the news of your friends pregnancy. I whole heartily understand that you feel happy for you friend but inside you are simply crying. It is so hard to hear news like this when you want it so badly for yourself. It is ok to feel these emotions, it is ok to feel sad. When you are still mourning the loss of Gryff and also the attempts at pregnancy too it must be so very hard to put on a happy face for your friend. As you say, you are happy for them but it burns so badly inside. I am so sorry Tradie Lady, sorry that there is not an easy way to manage grief... I too would pay a million dollars for a remedy to make it all go away.

I think that it is natural to compare and I don’t think it is something you should beat yourself up about. Gryff was a one of a kind and it will be in the way that you new dogs behave and act that you really get to see how exceptional he was. It Is not wrong, it is just that, a moment in which you are remembering all the things Gryff did, it does not mean you love your new dogs less .. just differently.

I am glad you took some time to have a conversation with the vet. While he didn’t have the answers that you hoped for or needed, at least you can know you did everything you could, as did they, and that sometimes there just are no answers. It is hard and so painful but he was loved Tradie Lady, and you were the best to him you could be, that his time had come and you will love him forever.

I am so glad you have come to chat and to get some support and that you feel comfort here.. I am so happy you do.

Huge hugs to you

Sarah

[Tradie_Lady]

Hi Sarah
Its been a while since I have been here, and today I felt the need to reach out. I have read over some of your kind responses to me and it has given me a little boost. I have found over the last few weeks that I have been feeling darker that most days. I don't know if its the ongoing COVID and the financial impact that has finally hit home with me, or the fact that I am staring down the barrel of going hrough IVF from scratch after losing my last embryo, or ongoing grief of Gryff -possibly its the combo of it all. I'm finding I just want to sleep and when I do go out its usually to walk the dog, and I just burst into tears. I don't know how to get out of my funk, but I am finding that being home more I am missing gryff more and more, even though I have 2 beautiful dogs here that know no different.

I have tried talking to friends but feel like a broken record and a burden that I am going over the same things with them - feel like in the worst case of sliding doors right now without a light.