I lost my dog to sudden illness, the grief is too strong

[Tradie_Lady]

Hi there

I lost my dog a week ago to sudden illness. He was only 3.5yrs old and he was my everything. He was my first dog that I rescued from a shelter. He provided me with such support and gave me a purpose to keep going. Last year I started IVF and currently 2 rounds have failed and he was there to let me know I was loved and needed.

Having him suddenly take ill and then dying has shocked me to my core. I can't be in my home alone as he is everywhere I look. I feel so guilty that I couldn't save him and miss him so terribly that I feel like the grief will swallow me whole. I don't know how to function or move forward knowing he is not by my side. My boy was everything and now I have lost purpose.

[Tradie_Lady]

Thank you Seacat.

It defintely has felt like we are being punished for something, but I have learnt that sitting with the grief when it hits is OK as it gets the feelings out rather than swallowing them. Yes his life was short and I still get angry that he was taken from us too young, but I have been remembering when I brought him home and the troubles we had with him and then the beautiful dog he turned into and the joy he brought me. That is what I am trying to hold on, not the unfairness of it.

My therapist has said that the grief that we feel is a reflection of the love we had - and that we have the capacity to grieve and love at the same time. I am trying to focus on that.

[Tradie_Lady]

Hi Sarah

I really appreicate your ongoing support, thank you. The grief has been coming in waves, I mainly feel it at night in the dark that he is not with me. But I am learning that I can think of him and whilst still feel tears, I can remember the love that he brought me and my husband and whilst I still get angry that he was taken unfairly, I know that we loved him every day that we had him and I hope that he knew that too.

We went and visited some dogs over the weekend as we have decided that the house is too empty without the patter of dogs around us. I have been reflecting on the time we had with him and how challenging he was in the beginning to where he was when he left us. He had developed into a beautiful dog and we want to give that to another.

We ended up meeting 2 gorgeous cattle dogs (not related at all) and each taking a liking to each of us. We have the capacity to love both so we have decided to adopt both and give them all the love we can. I need to look forward and not live in a past I cannot change. Doesnt mean I dont have days when I hate the world and trauma its caused me but I am trying to come back to moving forward.

We also get my beautiful boy's ashes this week so I know that it is going to be difficult for me to experience that finality.

[Aaronsis]

Good Morning Tradie Lady

I am so happy to hear that you have welcomed two new fur babies into your home, how very wonderful this is that you have given hope and love to two other animals.

I am so proud of you for the journey you have been on and that you are embracing the pain and the sadness and accepting that is it ok, that it is apart of the love you felt, after all grief really is just love with no where to go....it will take time and it will sneak up on you from time to time but I think your attitude and your patience with this process is outstanding and you are doing so very well to be kind to you and to let yourself move through these stages.

Getting the ashes will be tough too, but once again, just let yourself feel the pain and acknowledge the love and the sadness and know you are an amazing mum to those animals and they are so extremely lucky to have you.

Always here for you Tradie Lady, huge hugs to you, and to your new doggies as well.

Sarah xxx

[Guest_4643]

Hi Tradie Lady, sorry that I'm just seeing your post and replying now.

I'm so very sorry to hear of your Dog's sudden passing because of an illness, and the fact that your rounds of IVF have failed. I can't imagine how much you must be going through at the moment.

Just remember - there is no time limit on grieving for animals and humans. As hard as it is, try to remember all of the times you had with them, I know it's difficult because you can't have those moments back and you can't create any more memories. I've lost humans and animals in my life too so believe me, I know how hard it is.

I hope that your IVF eventually works for you, I can't imagine how hard that must be. But good on you for joining these forums and reaching out to people whilst you're struggling, that in itself takes a lot of courage so well done.

I wish I could give you a hug, but here's a virtual hug through the forums from me to you. I'm really sorry that you're struggling so much, and I hope things get better as much as they can real soon for you.

I'm sorry that I can't be of anymore help, but please know that I care and would like to support you in any way I can. I'm very sorry for your struggles.

Love and hugs,

Tayla

[Tradie_Lady]

Hi Sarah

I am really overwhelmed by your kindess and time you are taking to respond to my posts, I really do appreciate your advice and not making me feel like I am overreacting to this situation.

Last night was one of the hardest nights since I lost my boy. We got his ashes. I knew it was coming and I knew it would be awful, but the overwhelming finality of it and the grief was suffocating. Holidng his collar and knowing he is only dust now was just too much to comprehend. I lit a candle for him and cried until I couldn't breathe. I felt so conflicted as we are picking up our new puppies tomorrow so I really struggled with still feeling this immense loss of Gryff, but also knowing we are opening our home to save some new dogs from being left in a pound or bouncing from foster carer to foster carer.

I wonder sometimes if we jumped back in too early, but the silence of our home is too much. I also wonder if people will think we are jumping in too early.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Tradie Lady

It is really great to hear from you, I am so sorry that yesterday was so very much to manage and that the finality of the process has been realised. It is so hard to hold those ashes and to know that the love you had is all in this small box and you all you have left. Holding the collar too would have been very traumatic as once again, a visual reminder that you dont have Gryff anymore and only the memories.

I was great that you could sit with the grief and allowed yourself to cry and to let yourself feel the love and the pain and all the emotions, it is so very important and part of the process.

I think only you know the answer to your question about if you have "jumped back in too early", and as you said, the lack of "dog" in your home was too much to bear, so not only have you done the most wonderful thing to give 2 dogs a beautiful loving home but you will also provide a distraction for your grief, not to say it will not rise up from time to time, of course it will but you have done what is right for you. I would not worry too much about what other people think or say, they are not living through this and only you know what is right for you.

Lighting a candle and having that moment sounds really beautiful and you can light that candle from time to time if you need to sit with the feelings and to just remember and be with the memories of gryff.

Sending you all my love and strength at this time, also some joy too as you welcome the newest additions to your home, I can't wait to hear how they settle in.

Huge to you Tradie Lady xxx

Sarah xxx

[Tradie_Lady]

Hi Sarah

I wanted to check in and share where I am at. thank you for your ongoing support.

We have had our new boys for just over 2 weeks now and they are beautiful boys. They are settling in well and have allowed for a distraction for some of the time. I am still feeling guilty and sad that I don't yet feel the same way about them as I did my boy gryff, as he was very much my companion and pal. I still cry about him most days when one of the new boys does something that reminds me of him. Its still so hard and if anything makes me miss him even more.The older of the new pups knows when I am sad and insists on kissing my tears away bless him, it just feels so different. I know its never going to be the same and I can't compare the 2 dogs to my gryff, but sometimes I feel myself doing it.

We are also trying again with the IVF as I feel the time slipping away from me in that respect. Its this complete change that I am struggling with and how to accept this change in path that still haunts me.

I hope you are well Sarah x

[Aaronsis]

Hey Tradie Lady

It is so great to hear from you and I am so glad that even though it is tough, that you are making your way forward with your healing journey. The thing is that gryff was a huge part of not only your life but your emotional being. He provided you so much more than just a companion. These are things that cannot be suppressed in a few months or with the arrival of your new babies, and nor should they be. He will forever live in your heart and so it is only natural I think to draw comparisons to him and to your new dogs, this is not to say that you are feeling like these new dogs are not "meeting the standard", just as people are different they are all different too. That is so very sweet that the older one seems to be so in tune with your tears, perhaps he is not showing just yet the true role he will come to play in your life but it seems to me that a very strong bond had been formed and he is very much in tune with you.

You are right in that it wont be the same, and that is ok too. I think when they say "time heals all wounds" that is not so much true for me...perhaps it will not be true for you too...I think time makes things different, you learn to cope, you learn how to manage the tears and how to live with the pain...it doesn't go away is my experience. I accept that, I allow myself the time to cry and I let the pain live there with me. Maybe this is something you can think about too, instead of trying to make the pain stop and make it go away, sometimes accepting it and letting it be there and almost making it your friend helps. It doesn't rule your life but you let it be there and acknowledge it when you have to.

All the very best with your next round of IVF, it is such an emotional time and I wish you and your partner every bit of love, success and joy in this journey.

So great to chat to you some more Tradie Lady

Huge hugs

Sarah xxx

[Sweesoft]

I have 2 lovely dogs and though I know they will be gone in 10 yrs time the least I can't imagine the pain it will be caused me. I am so sorry for your loss.

[Tradie_Lady]

Hi Sarah

I hope you have been keeping safe and well with all the chaos thatis COVID-19. Its been a while since I checked in and need to today. Its Gryff's 'gotcha' or 'birthday'. He would have been 4. It feels so raw all over again and looking at photos and knowing that I never get to hug him again has been brutal today. ALso working from home now I cannot escape his memory or my grief. I know that you can't escape grief, but today just feels like I am drowning.

Our IVF also didnt work again and as a result of the COVID-19, we are on a permanent hiatus until it is safe to do anything again. I feel very lost and alone today, even though I have my husband and my 2 new beautiful dogs here, it's Gryff I want to comfort me and I want to hug him so badly. I have tried to be so positive and move forward with life and still talk to gryff often - but today just feels like I have gone back to the day it happened.

I hope you are safe and well and taking care of yourself also.

x