I almost lost my dad

[Jasper]

My dad had heart surgery a few days ago, and while I’ve been aware of the fact that it could’ve easily been so much worse to the point where he might’ve died, it only just hit me tonight. And I’m not okay. It’s especially heard because my dad and I don’t have the greatest relationship, and we were going through a particularly difficult time leading up to all of this. I just feel so guilty. If he put off getting his chest pain checked out even just a couple days longer, he would’ve died, and the last thing we would’ve done was have a fight. I hate this. I might not have a great relationship with him but the thought of him dying is so scary and it was so close to happening 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I'm sorry your post has taken some time to be answered. Holiday season is quite busy.

Well I'm glad he's ok. Technology now a days means a far greater chance of survival plus they now place stents into arteries so the blood flow is restored to normal capacities. Incredible advances.

You feel guilty, this is very normal but guilt itself is non productive, actually is harmful. Better to try to allow yourself to learn from all experiences good and bad. This scare has a good result as it has caused you to rethink about maybe valuing him more and try to argue less. Now you have opportunities to consider giving him small gifts just because he is your father. Some thing to consider.

I lost my dad way back in 1992, he was 64yo. I'm now 68yo. Hardly a day goes by that I think of him. He was a good father. So on those days I write poems that recall his love. eg

DAD’S WRINKLES

Soon it became obvious

As my ol’ man came of age

That the strain of life itself

Did complete another page

And as his ‘book’ filled up

To approach the final scene

I knew each wrinkle on his face

And which one came from me

And as I read the last line

Of the chapter not complete

It tells of his twilight years

That he knew he’d never meet

Dad was never scared to die

He faced it brave and strong

And I knew each wrinkle on his face

And where they did come from….

I hope you are ok. This forum is open for posting 24/7/365 so anytime just make a post and when one of us is online we'll try to answer.

TonyWK

[sbella02]

Jasper, 

Thank you so much for your openness, welcome to the forums. I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this. While it is a great thing that your dad is still here, I can understand how you might be feeling that retrospective guilt, despite not having the best relationship. 

When somebody close to us is in a vulnerable position, we tend to be confronted with some of those hard-hitting questions. Have I said everything I wanted to? Have I done everything I wanted to with this person? Does this person know how I feel? How would I have changed my interactions if I'd known then what I know now?

We do start to think back to moments that we might've fought, or taken them for granted, or interactions that were inherently negative. At the end of the day, it doesn't take away from how we felt in these moments - it is important to remember that your feelings are valid now, but were also valid at these points too.

Would you be comfortable with opening a conversation with your dad about these feelings? It may give you a chance to talk through things that have happened in your relationship, how you're feeling now, and what kind of relationship you'd like to have moving forward. 

I hope this helps, and I'm sorry again that you're going through this. It's good to hear that your dad has made it through to the recovery stage, I wish you and your family the very best during this time. Remember that we're here if you need to chat some more.

Take care, SB