How to grieve

[Jo3]

Last Friday I heard the most devastating news.  My 23 yr old niece committed suicide due to an overdose on drugs.

She was always a troubled child from a very young age.   And to make things worse, my niece's mum took an overdose Friday afternoon and is in hospital.  It so devastating.

I am really struggling to come to terms with this.  Even though I haven't seen my niece for over 10 years due to the divorce of her parents (my brother) and I just feel there was never a family connection with them.

But, still she was my niece, she was family, she was someone's child. I feel so much for her mum and part of me feels sorry for my brother. But my situation is so difficult as i am coming to terms with being sexually abused as a child by 3 different guys and one of them was my brother. No one knows this except my husband. I have been dealing with this for 3 yrs now and my parents abandoned me when I told them.

 It feels like one big mess, my head feels like a tangled web with me trying to get out. I have no motivation to do anything at home.  I don't want to talk to anyone or see anyone; i just want to be left alone and lie around and think of my beautiful niece and the times when she would come over to our place to play with our kids. 

It;s so sad to lose contact with family members and now it's too late to say - what if i did this or what if i did that. 

I'm grieving and it's affecting my depression and anxiety; i don't know how to cope

Jo

[Chris_B]

Hi Jo3, I know sorry doesn't begin to cover it, but I will say it anyway.  I'm so sorry about your niece, and her mum.

It's little wonder you're feeling like a tangled web right now.  Suicide grief is very specific, it triggers off a whole lot of emotions and reactions that can be different from when we lose someone in another way.  People who are bereaved by suicide are at increased risk, so please make sure you have some good clinical support around you at this time as well as your husband.

I'm going to post a link to a page with some resources, including a video I made in New Zealand with a wonderful woman - Tricia Hendry - who lost her husband to suicide when her kids were very young.  She speaks from the heart about her journey and how she got through her feelings about the death, I hope you'll find it helpful.  There are also some other resources on this page about coping with suicide bereavement: http://www.spinz.org.nz/page/333-after-a-suicide

Take care, and thanks for continuing to be here for others during this difficult time.

best
CB

___________________________________________________________________
Online Community Manager

[Jo3]

Hi Chris,

Thanks so much for your response.  I am trying my best be okay.  I emailed my psych over the weekend and wrote to him and he phoned me this afternoon to make sure I was okay.  And I am seeing my GP tomorrow because he wanted to make sure I was okay.  I am very lucky to have great support.

I am finding that when I am home alone I get very emotional and distressed.  I think that by me helping and replying on this forum it helps me also.  Because I find that there are so many problems that others have and if I can reply and give a little bit of help then I know I've done something good. And also it keeps me distracted from being alone.

I understand what you're saying about suicide grief.  It feels different to when someone dies from something else.

Thanks again for your support, I am amazed at how much support I have had since I have joined.  It feels like I have made so many "on line" friends. I don't think I could have got through this grief without your support and also from the others.

And also, to see you as the Online Community Manager reply to a lot of peoples' responses is amazing.  Since you have joined I'm amazed at how often you go on line to help others.

Thanks again

Jo

[Jo3]

Chris,

I have just watched the video on suicide bereavement.  And it helped me.  While at the beach this morning I remembered a certain spot where my family would go and my niece would play with my children.  It brought tears to my eyes.  I think I will sit at that spot this week and just throw some flowers in the sea for my niece.

I am not going to the funeral as I cannot see my brother (dad of my niece) or my parents.  My brother was one of the three guys that sexually abused me as a child and I just can't see him.  My parents didn't want to know me when I told them of my memories 3 yrs ago that i was abused as a child.

So going to the beach, i feel will be a nice memory for my niece.  She didn't deserve to die, she was too young. (Sorry I am crying, it's too much)

 Jo

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Jo,

Considering all the trauma you've detailed in your last months' posts you seem to be handling this very well.    The suicide issue isn't easy for anyone and even years later people still ask "Why ?".

I agree with your assessment of Christopher - he's appearing in a fair few posts and giving some good back up resources.  I only wish I was more technical so that I could understand that side of things.

The old stuff people in pain say - "I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to hurt you".    I am beginning to realise that, with suicide, it's the same deal.  They don't really tell anyone partly to avoid anyone getting hurt but also to keep the hurt all to themselves.  That would take a strong mind.  Imagine what these strong minds could achieve if they wanted to make a positive change rather than a negative one.

As I said, hang in there.   Those emotional ripples will eventually pan out.  The waves on the beach will wash away the moment.  It's all very real.

Adios, David.

[Chris_B]

Thanks Jo, I'm glad it helped. Appreciate your words. 🙂

best
CB

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Online Community Manager

[geoff]

dear Jo, I watched the video that CB provided and I have actually sent it off to a couple of other people, one being my twin who is now working for a company that does exactly as what we do on this site, however he gets paid for it, gets a car vehicle, and only works 4 days a week, good on him, and we often have a laugh about this.

I couldn't wish him any better than what he does.

I thought that I had replied to you, but being short term memory dead I'm not sure, and I wonder whether Christopher and the Troopers could let me know, I know it's more work for them, and I'm sorry for this.

I do wish that I could have David Charles excellent recall of previous posts as he just pulls them out of the hat.

Jo your resistance to traumas is non existent, as it's one thing after another, they just build up, and when you have seen the light, bang something else happens to you, and of course none of this will help you get through depression, however 'emotional ripples will eventually pan out', and although you don't see it, but all of these are slowly building strength within yourself, I know that you won't believe me now, but remember strength happens by awful experiences.

They happen quitely and you don't realise. Take care. L Geoff. x

[Jo3]

Thanks Geoff.

You know, I just don't know how to move on.  I am grieving for the loss of my parents who don't give a shit about me and now I'm grieving about my niece.

I'm grieving for the young life that has gone far too soon and what could have been.  I'm feeling so distraught for her because she needed family. 

I sort of feel responsible because I remembered last night that about 6 months ago my ex sister-in-law came to my house to ask if I had my brother's phone number because my niece had run away.  I didn't have his number and still don't .  I told her that I didn't have his number and that I hadn't seen him for a few years as I was not talking to him or my parents.

Now I feel guilty, because maybe I could have tried more.

I just feel that as soon as I see some light at the end of the tunnel, bang something terrible happens again and brings me back right down to the black hole. 

I'm distraught and can't cope.  I know my husband can't handle seeing my upset but I need to let it out. 

These last few days have been horrible and I have lost all motivation and energy to do anything.  I'm struggling to even want to go back to work. 

I just wish life wasn't so damn hard; so damn unpredictable and so damn frustrating.

I can't do this anymore; it gets too much and some days I don't know how I get through.

My depression feel 100 times worse right now; my anxiety levels are high and my blood pressure is high. Something my GP is keeping an eye on me; I think he's concerned that I may do something.

But deep down I won't - I'm just grieving; it hurts; it's sad.

 Jo