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Grieving still after so many years 😢

Community Member

Hi everyone.

**first of all can I please respectfully ask for no negative comments or judgement as I’m finding it so hard to forgive myself anyway** 😰😰😰

Back in 2013 I was in a fairly stable relationship - but I think in my heart of hearts I knew he wasn’t right for me or for the future I wanted for myself. At this time my mother was in hospital and was gravely ill with golden staf - and three types of bacteria that were completely destroying her body.

In the January I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant and my whole world came crashing down around me. My first thought was that I just couldn’t go through with it - especially with my mum knocking on deaths door. I just didn’t feel like I could bring in additional stress to my family at an already highly stressful and emotional time.

It was the hardest decision and experience I’ve ever had to go through - because as long as I can remember all I have wanted is to be a mum. It was such a traumatic experience and one that I still have vivid memories of (protestors etc made it just so harrowing for me)

My partner at the time was supportive and he went through it all with me but shortly after he moved out of his parents home and he just changed so much! He then began to resent me and blame me for everything that we had gone through together - and still all these years later I am beating myself up about it and finding it incredibly hard to move on. 😰😰

I have seen a psychologist many times over the last decade but I’m still not where I need to be - not even close. One of my close friends has been through a similar experience and recently pointed out to me that I clearly haven’t forgiven myself and I need to do so.

I’m now in a relationship that I’ve been in for two years And I am desperately wanting to be a mother - but I am also so completely terrified of going down that road. A huge part of me is worried that the traumatic events from 2013 will come back with a vengeance and it will be an incredibly emotional experience.
My current partner does not know of the decision I reluctantly had to make back then and I really don’t want him to know either.

I guess I’m trying to reach out for words of support and wisdom and hopefully for people to share stories and may have been in a similar / relatable situation before. The guilt I still have is incredible and part of me still hates myself for doing what I felt I had to do.

I’m still feeling broken 💔

10 Replies 10

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hey LoziLoz

First of all I'm sorry you had to experience that! I'm sure it could not have been easy! I know you've probably heard people say that you shouldn't feel guilty because you have no reason to however I also know that it probably doesn't do much in regards to help as much as they're trying to help and they probably want only the best for you...I can't say that I've experienced something even remotely like what you have however I do know that regardless of the situation everyone takes a different amount of time to heal and move on and there's no "right" or "wrong" amount of time one may need to heal. For you to have made a decision like the one you did must have been tough and not many people can make that kind of decision. Just know that I believe it takes an incredibly strong person to make that decision...a person who has somehow been able to take a step back from the current situation and think what would be the best decision to make for me (and in this case for everyone else too)...that takes so much bravery and guts to make a decision like that. In that moment you made the decision that you believed was the best decision to make and there's nothing more that you could have done in that respect. It sounds like a tough situation to be in because in some ways, you can't win with a choice like that....either way there's a possibility that you would feel guilty and that's why it's such a tough decision to make. In my opinion, the most important thing to do is to be kind to yourself (which I know is a lot easier said than done)...when you're ready try and take some time to yourself and do something that makes you smile and lets you remember why you love the good times that have happened and are about to happen. You're so brave for reaching out...hat's off to you!