depression after breaking up

[Sab]

Hi all,

My name is Sabi. I have been suffering from depression for two months. Dunno where to go. This is due to a broken relationship. I really wish someone could reply to me show me a way.

I was born in a broken family and i never ever had the feeling of home or family support. I have also been away from hometown ten more years, just been by myself. During last three years, i had three relationships and every time i dedicated myself. I guess is because i didnt have any family love, then everytime i had relations i took him as my everything and i always regarded my bf as more important than me. I found my bf is like my motivation driving me forward and also is like the source of of my emotions no matter happiness or unhappiness. However, all my three relationship sucks. I was always being dumped. Two months ago, i was dumped again. I dunno what i had done wrong.....I really dunno what i hav done wrong. I just dedicated myself and really just wanna a home coz i never had a home.

I feel i couldnt handle this depression anymore. I quit all my jobs and study at university, and i thought i d better. But not. Then i went to see gp got some sleeping tablets but didnt work. I talked to counsellor twice already, but really not working. Every friend was trying to help but i just couldnt cheer up at all. And my ex came over the other day laughing at me saying i was always being dumped. And he told me in the beginning of our relation he already knew that we gonna break up someday. I was so so hurt....I feel i have been fooled whilst i totally committed myself and put him as part of my life but how he could do this to me? 

I feel i couldnt forgive myself. I smoked a lot and isolated myself. I used to be very social and outdoor person, however, nothing i am interested now. I escaped from my living place for another town, coz i couldnt face that familiar town and those bad memories with him. However, upon leaving that town, i still didnt recover. I feel i lost my confidence. I also up and down a lot. I closed myself indoor not talking with anyone. I hate myself so so much, and i feel i am killing myself. I dunno what to do??? I really want to regain my soul but i dunno where it is....I am empty. I lost my mental attachment. I really want to back to normal...I never so down like this....

Feeling hopeless. I have so many works lagging behind but i just couldnt handle it. I let down my boss and escaped. I feel so bad.

I wish some experienced ppl can give me? Give me some voice please? THANK YOU!

[Chris_B]

Hi Sabi,

It sounds like things are getting really on top of you at the moment.  In addition to seeking support here, please give our support line a call on 1300 22 46 36, they're open 24 hours, 7 days.

It would also be a good idea to go back and see your doctor, and perhaps print out your post and take it with you so he/she can understand what you've been going through.  

You haven't done anything wrong, sometimes relationships don't work out. Based on what you've said about your ex above, it sounds like he is bad news and you would be best not staying in contact with him.

Generally, we all value relationships highly, but often it can be because we're afraid of being alone rather than wanting to be happy with a special person in our lives, so we might think "it's better to be in a relationship than not in one."

A friend of mine said earlier this year that his mum was married for 25 years, then divorced and remained single.  Is she a success because she was in a relationship for 25 years, he asked, or a failure because she moved on? If she is happy, then it doesn't matter.

Sometimes with relationships, we base our entire happiness in life on the other person, rather than ourselves.

What it boils down to is, are you happy? At the moment you're not. Take that first step of going to your GP and talking openly about how bad you're feeling, ask for a referral to a different counsellor that will understand you better (this might take a few tries) to help work through the anger and hurt from your breakup and start seeing a life where you are in the driving seat and not someone else. 

I know it seems overwhelming at the moment, but the light will slowly start to come back. Just focus on each day, each hour if you have to, and what you need to do: go out to the supermarket, make yourself a meal, go for a walk, read, watch tv - distraction is good too.

It's not clear from what you've posted above, are you still working or have you left your job?

Hope to hear back from you soon.  What do others think?

best
CB

__________________________________________________________________
Online Community Manager

[vip]

Hi Sab you are in a rut at the moment dont feel bad we have all been through that or are still going through that. Keep up with your GP and psych appointments they are so important to talk to these people sometimes friends are not that sympathetic so a professional is much better. Your ex he sounds like an idiot what kind of person just blurts those comments out ones that are not intelligent and are not symapathetic your better off without him . Look I got heaps of negative comments from people in my life with my depression and they are no longer in my life. When we are down we need fun supportive sympathetic people around us and i definately know where you are coming from and i understand you. Use this time you have on your own to get better and reflect on whats happened when you do start feeling better then tackle relationships then . It is very difficult to maintain a relationship when you are depressed so get that sorted first. Take care and hope you start feeling better.

[Dysthymic1]

Sorry Nes, for butting in but how do you ask a question or share something. There appears to be no way to do it. I have a continuous depression for decades, sex is a problem due to it's absence since I can't remember when. All I would like is genuine friendship with a bit of sex thrown but I cannot see anything in the future, I'm 70, probably reached my due by date, and ready to be tossed down the toilet. I honestly don't know where I'm headed. I emailed a list of thoughts to beyond blue but I have received no answer I don't know if this is a very usefull site. Again, apologies for jumping in at an inappropriate place but Beyond Blue doesn't seem to have an appropriate place. I just can't see anyone helping when I have no friends no companions nothing to look forward to in life, no enthusiasm, things I was interested in have fallen by the wayside, no one to talk to (about anything) Oh correction I look after a dog for someone and I talk to the dog like I would a person, pathetic huh.

[geoff]

dear Sab, well there's not much more I can say to you after what Nes and Christopher have said, however I am curious as to this smoking, and you don't have to reply if you feel uneasy.

Why would someone say to you 'that one day we are going to break up', this puts a mozz on the relationship from the beginning.

I would be inclined to see another counsellor, because you have to feel comfortable with them, and they have to understand what you are going through.

You can't talk to anybody if you don't like them, because the nitty gritty of your problems are never discussed, because you are too afraid.

Don't take it as though you have let your boss down, this just can't be helped, because depression is a strong beast and takes control of anyone and that's all the people on this site.

You need to find a doctor and psych who understands, and the first thing you could do is to ring the Beyond Blue phone number which is under 'get support' on the top of this page, and they will be able to direct you in the right direction. L Geoff. x

[vip]

Hi Dysthymic I would suggest you join a club or volunteer somewhere to meet some new people and develop friendships. I have had to do this as i lost heaps of friends with my depression . There are some wonderful people out there believe me that will understand you. Not sure if your meaning how do you ask a GP or a psych a question? I know with my 1st visit I wrote everything down in a journal that i wanted to ask and then found later on i didnt need to do this. I found a psych a totally felt comfortable with and he was like speaking to a new friend that i had just made. And dont throw the towel in my parents are in their 70's and they have just started to go on holidays and really enjoy their lives so your never too old. Why dont you try writing a post and getting some replies from some other people as well we would all love to hear it and please stay on this beyond blue forum everyone here is so caring and helpful. Hope this helps is some way. Take care

[Dysthymic1]

Thanks Nes for replying to me, I find Beyond Blue very hard to navigate, but try. Have your 70is old parents had life long Chronic Depression? It is very crippling emotionaly and after a ling while you start to die inside, Columbia University say that it is more dangerous than Major Depression because of the higher suicidal potential. I see people especialy younger people enjoying their lives and each others company and it deeply saddens me that I never had any of this.

[Colin]

Hi Sabi, it sounds as though you’re doing it hard in what appears to be a downward spiral of disappointing experiences. I can relate to this in having had two disastrous marriages and having dropped out of tertiary education. That said I’ve been happily married for twenty four years now and have acquired four diplomas. There are essentially two options in bad experiences; i.e. be sucked into the void of them and robbed of self esteem or salvage the learning from them whereby you then promote the likelihood of success when next engaging in a similar activity. As the statement goes, ‘If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.’ I read somewhere that you cannot love someone until you love yourself. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Accept yourself for who you are, an imperfect growing human being. While I can appreciate the absence of motivation towards uni, work etc. without meaningful goals that stretch us, we stagnate and can plummet into analysis paralysis. Like you, I come from a broken family and so I didn’t have a role model from which to base my behaviour. I think one of the best books that I read which aided me in developing meaningful relationships is ‘How To Win Friends And Influence People’ by Dale Carnegie. I didn’t read it for three years as the title initially put me off but what I found is that it presents well founded principles. I would encourage you to invest yourself in those activities, both work/education and social, that you have an interest in. Through these it’s probable that you’ll meet a like minded person and, from friendship a deeper relationship might bloom. I wish you well.

[vip]

Hi Dysthymic no my parents dont suffer with depression but they have a few friends that do and yes it is a hard thing to deal with in this age group also. Colin had sone great points there I agree with the point that makes that sometimes we have to accept the person we are even if we are imperfect. I myself have so many faults and i have learned through many years of therapies yes ive made mistakes and i live with this depression so this is part of me and i cant change myself and wont for anyone. But in the mean time i will try and focus on the future and really live my life everyday and enjoy it. I wonder if you could attend some self esteem motivational courses or groups these did wonders for me maybe you could ask beyond blue if they could link you up to something like this. Good luck and take care