Dad committed suicide 5 years ago.

[Elaine26]

I am 18 years old and I was 12 when my dad committed suicide. I am an older sibling to my younger brother who is now 16, and I feel that over the past 5 years I have been the older sister and supported him, along with my mum. By doing this I have forgotten about myself and I feel like the grief is only just hitting me now. I hate talking about my dad and the way he died and I hate seeing therapists. I am afraid to cry in front of my family or even talk to my family about how I feel because we don’t really talk about it anymore. My mums boyfriend and his son have just moved in which makes bringing up the topic even worse as they are always around. I don’t know what to do.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Elaine26

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this, grief is hard at the best of times let alone when it is a close family member, I have not lost a parent but I can imagine it is horrific. I am so proud of you for reaching out here, to get some comfort and some support.

Grief is really hard as there are no rules, there is no handbook and there is no right or wrong way to do it, this is what sometimes makes us feel so lost on our grieving path.

I can hear that this new phase for your family with your mother's boyfriend and his son moving in is something new for you and your family, I am sure that this will take some time to get used to, let alone dealing with the grief and possibly the guilt that you are feeling for your dad as your mother has a new partner and you may be feeling like you are being disloyal to him.

How would you feel about letting yourself grieve? I think that you are holding it back and not truly letting yourself morn and feel the loss of your father..do you think this to be true? Perhaps starting with a conversation with your mother and letting her know how you are feeling, that you would like to be able to talk about you dad and let her know how you are feeling. This too might invite her to open up and talk too. I think if you start the conversation perhaps your brother and your mum may too.

There is no shame in crying, this is your father and you loved him so much and continue to do so, you are allowed to cry Elaine26, you are allowed to have bad days and to miss him, you are also allowed to laugh and remember the good times too.

I have found that talking here, being around others who are struggling has helped me so very much, I also found keeping a journal to be so very helpful, I wrote words that didn't make sense that were hurtful that were loving, all sorts of things depending on how I was feeling and what was going on. The thing is it is just for me to see, no one else so you can be as raw and honest as you need to...it helps so much to get it out.

I also need you to know something Elaine26..this was not your fault, it was not about you and it was not about your family. Suicide is mostly not about external factors in one's life and more about the internal sadness and pain taking over. Your dad would have loved you so very very much and would be very proud of you.

Please let yourself grieve, your dad will always be with you and have a special place in your heart.

Be kind to you

Sarah xxxx

[Tay100]

Hi Elaine26

Firstly, I'm so sorry for you and your family's loss. It's great that you have come to a caring, non-judgemental place to express your thoughts- that's a healthy and productive step to take, and a very brave one.

I agree with everything that Aaronsis has said, some great food for thought there.

Because you don't like seeing therapists and you are coming up against a tough prolonged social situation, what I would recommend is seeking out a really good peer support group. Like a group or program that helps family who've lost someone by suicide or even just reaching out to particular social media groups to start. They are going to be able to recognise and help you get through the nuances and challenges of such family transitions like this, especially since it can be really hard to view it as a positive change (ie. your mum finding someone close enough for them start living together with you guys) when it is born out of such sadness.

If you like, we can talk more, try and find such a peer support group on here or via the internet?

Sending kindness,

Tay100

[geoff]

Hello Elaine, my heartfelt sympathy for the loss of your dad as no passage of time will be the answer for you or anyone else to understand the reasons why this happened, especially as you develop into young adulthood and begin to ask the many questions you weren't able to while you were younger 6 years ago.

The questions asked by your therapist may not be what you had anticipated answering, purely because it brings back the awful thoughts you'd been trying to forget, but perhaps they are asked as a coping measure and need to be very delicate to anyone in your position.

It's sad that you are unable to raise the topic and just because your mum has a new boyfriend would only be a cause for you to be asking the unanswered questions you need to know.

Can I suggest you talk with KidsHelpline 1800 55 1800, they talk to kids 5 years old up to 25 of age and can dress casually, making it easier for you.

Thanks to Sarah and Tay for your comments.

Geoff.

[Tay100]

Hi Elaine26

Jut wanted to check in and see how things were travelling for you. Feel free to check back with us if that's something you want to do, but no pressure at all. We are here are for you.

Sending kindness,

Tay100

[Elaine26]

Thank you so much for your helpful messages, it means so much to be able to express myself to someone and not feel judged or made to feel like I’m looking for attention or sympathy. I have been working on letting myself grieve and realising that it’s okay to feel angry or upset about my dad, although I still find it hard to talk to my family about it and bring my dad up at all to other people. My boyfriend has been really supportive and I find it much easier to talk to him about things that are upsetting me. My mum has recently taken down all of the pictures of my dad and my family and replaced them with ones of her partner, his son and us to make sure they feel included in our house which I understand but also just feel like she is removing him further from my life like he never existed in the first place. Sorry for taking so long to reply, this really has been a process to even get to this point.

[geoff]

Hello Elaine, if I was in your situation, I too wouldn't like the photos swapped around, it's taking an enormous part of your life away, important memories, learning how to ride a bike and encouraging you in everything possible to be able to move forward, and last but not least, to try and understand why he was feeling this way.

My thoughts are with you, Elaine.

Geoff.

[Tay100]

Hi Elaine26

It is good to hear from you, and you can of course reply in your own time, no worries about that. Whilst your Mum has good intentions, it may be good to have a chat with her about how this makes you feel- open communication is crucial here. Maybe a happy medium can be reached? Your partner sounds like a great support for you, maybe can help you approach this situation? Feel free to keep us updated.

Tay100