A new type of grief

[Miss_TB]

Hi

My mother died 12 years ago. She was a wonderful mother and I was lucky to have her. I always thought I would still be able to have a normal and happy life and be ok.

I’m now in my mid 30s with no kids and this is causing me immense grief - equal to losing mother. My life is not normal. I am in a relationship with a married man with 2 kids. The grief that my life hasn’t turned out how I planned has resulted in day time drinking, heavy night drinking and small amounts of drug taking every weekend.

I feel like I am watching my life from the sidelines. Knowing I’m not being wise in my choices, but unable to get the life I want.

[white knight]

Hi MissTB, welcome

I'm worried about your lifestyle. In such circumstances a complete change of scenery might be the thing to consider.

Sure, the usual recommendations apply, visit your GP, join AA and overall take care of yourself. But to get back on track will take more ideas than that. Google

Topic: be radical- beyondblue

For this change to occur, and it doesn't have to be permanent, you'd need to move house at least many hours away, break off your relationship and stick to your plan regardless of family and friends complaining otherwise. I had a friend do this. Well he was a hitchhiker and I drove him from Melbourne to Adelaide. On the way he told me he'd just left his wife and he eventually made it to a sheep station in NT. I phoned him later and he told me it was the best move he could have done. His whole life changed. He was a cook and started divorce proceedings and had a girlfriend in the nearby town.

Sounds easy but for some of us that have moved around a lot in their lives it is good to make a fresh start. You might need to inject some confidence though at this point. Google

Topic: the best praise you'll ever get- beyondblue

There are many threads here that can help. Repost if you wish on those threads or here. Keep it going.

Topic: never ever give up- beyondblue

Tony WK

[geoff]

hello Miss TB, can I welcome you to the forum and thanks for posting your comment.

I am deeply sorry for the loss of your mother because someone you always looked up to isn't with you anymore and that may leave an open space.

Your day to day drinking and use of drugs will only get worse if you don't leave the company you are in at the moment because while they are doing all of this, it would be virtually impossible for you to stop, I'm sorry to say.

If you decide to do this, and I hope you do, then you will need help by starting with your doctor, and if you do move, then a new doctor, you may have to find.

Click on 'Get Support' and scroll down until you see 'Find a professional' and please get back to us. Geoff.

[Croix]

Dear Miss TB~

Both Tony and Geoff have given good advice, and if Tony's talk of a complete change sounds daunting then please consider how you are now, watching yourself make mistakes and heading where?.

You mother provided you both with the love you needed and also a role model as a parent. This is a wonderful thing and as you say you were lucky to have her.

For some reason now you are selling yourself short. You have common sense, you know what is reasonable, I'd imagine you may be attractive to others (or you would not be in a relationship) and most importantly you have all that unused love for potential children.

Add to that a relationship where you would appear to be second fiddle to a wife and kids, and do not the have the unstinting love and total commitment of a mate.

Small wonder you seek solace in drink and drugs. As I'm sure you are aware such habits only get worse, ruining body, mind and opportunities.

In your mid 30's you have time to change things around. Your dreams are not impossible at all.

I'd think you would need help. It there anyone in your life to give you support who does not think your existing lifestyle is OK?

You can find organizations to help you quite drink and drugs, our 24/7 Help Line (1300 22 4636) may be able to tell you what is available in your area.

Please don't think I other others here are being critical, we would simply like the best for you.

Croix