Why am I like this?

[Rebeccaxo]

My bf has gone away back to Ireland for a holiday and I am left here in Australia in our little apartment by myself. I don’t have many friends here as many have moved back to Ireland, so I am feeling so alone. I have felt myself slowly sinking back into a dark place like I used to. I have suffered with depression before and had to be signed off work in the past as it got really bad. I have had a pretty good couple of years with only a few little episodes where it gets bad for a couple of weeks. I just feel trapped inside my own head. It’s a viscous circle where I don’t want to speak to or see anyone because I feel so down but then because I isolate myself it gets even worse. I know its starting again. I can’t sleep at nights and I’m exhausted but never want to leave my bed. I don’t want to do anything and can’t even watch TV all I am doing is thinking. I am taking my mood out on my bf, being insecure, snappy, nasty and pushing him away. I am jealous that he is enjoying himself at home with his friends and family whilst I am here by myself in this dark place. I feel so embarrassed that I am like this and I feel that I can’t talk to anyone about it not even my bf. I am paranoid too and so anxious that he won’t come home, or he will fall in love with someone else etc. God, I sound so crazy. Will I ever get better and how? I just feel like the worst type of person and I don’t deserve love or friends.

[smallwolf]

Rebeccaxo,

Hi. Welcome to beyond blue.

You are not crazy. You also are not the worst person and are worthy of love. If I jump around around a bit please forgive me, but you have packed a lot of information into your initial post.

So your bf has gone back home for a holiday? It is also natural for you to be "jealous" if you bf is away on holidays and you are separated, etc. Can I ask how long he is away for? Also, are you able to talk to him over there? If you get a phone app like 'Whats app' you can effectively talk for free. Or you can use skype or facetime or similar apps? This might help bridge the geographical divide between you both.

Also, please do not feel embarrassed about talking to your bf about this. There are occasions that I have had to talk to my wife about this sort of thing, including why I am snappy or insecure. Sometime I have to do this via email because I cannot talk about it! Crazy huh?!? But... this helps my wife understand what I am going through, and gets that load off my chest or out from my mind. This is a journey we/you both take together.

Can you tell me why do you think that "he won’t come home, or he will fall in love with someone else"? Is there any evidence there is something wrong with your relationship? Or is inner critic inside your head interfering?

Are you able to talk to any of your friends about what you are going through? Or maybe invite them to dinner or lunch by way of a distraction tool? Allow yourself to have a little bit of fun?

And if you have a real difficulty coping, you can always ring life line on 13 11 44, or speak to your GP?

Also remember this is temporary, and that you have overcome it before.

(When I was doing some work overseas recently, my wife was home alone with the kids. In that time we would use these programs to talk to each other periodically. There is also an element of trust. My wife has to trust me and vice versa.)

You should be able to find other threads on the forum for distraction tools and grounding. The people here will be able to provide you with support, holding your hand, as you go through this troubling period in your life.

Please come back and let us know how you are getting on. I wish you all the best,

Tim