When life doesn’t really get better...

[Imagine]

Hi folks,

Well, I’ve been MIA a while now. After my world fell completely apart, and every therapy offered to me through the system failed, I gave up seeking answers and threw myself into trying to build a new life.

I’ve bought myself a house, learned skills I never thought I could learn, reached out socially, created a fb group for a personal interest that’s grown to hundreds of members and benefits charities and have continued to work all the while.

But my chronic illness has remained unchanged, I am still in constant pain and exhausted, medically unfit to drive, stuck in a low paid job because I’m not physically capable of more challenging work, and I’m not one tiny bit closer to the dreams I lost. My house does not feel like a home even after 3 years and lots of work trying to make it my own, because I live alone with my pets.

I feel like the life I have now is wrong for me, it’s not a bad life, I don’t mean to complain that I don’t have “enough”, I’m not ungrateful. But it feels like it doesn’t fit me and it chafes and makes me hurt deeply all of the time. Yes there are moments of pleasure in little things, but that’s just a band aid and offers no healing. I hide the depression because I’m either not wanting to burden the people I love any more than they have suffered already, or I’ve been told I should be over it by now (by people who have everything I’ve ever wished for).

My question is, what do I do now? I’ve run out of things I can think of to try. My younger self’s dreams were to have a career and travel the world with the love of my life. I can’t think of any new dreams that even come close to those shattered ones. The career is impossible, travel financially out of reach even without COVID and well, love, love isn’t for me. I also lost the home that I had put my heart and soul into when my health failed before my marriage failed too.

Would welcome advice please and thank you. There must be a way to learn to live with this quiet desperation, even if I cannot escape it.

Thank you

[Imagine]

Hi Transcrybe,

Thank you again for your encouraging and insightful words. You have a wonderful way of expressing your ideas and perspectives, and you’ve been very helpful.

I hope that boulder can simply be released. The relief would be unimaginable.

I can understand the sense of gratitude that is learned from difficult experiences. I hope you are well now. It must have been a very challenging journey, but the rewards, apart from life itself, are the wisdom, compassion, gratitude, strength and empathy you develop. You do gain a much better perspective on what really matters. I know that 30 years of autoimmune disease have changed me in some of these ways too. I’m certainly more compassionate and far more grateful for the kindness of others and the small things in life than I would otherwise have been. And that empathy and experience I’ve gained allows me to help others.

I still feel as though I have a lot to learn. But I’m paying attention and trying to change my perspective. I can see now that my perspective often keeps me distanced further from peace and happiness, that wishing for things I just can’t have will always make me miserable. I’m trying to accept what it is, the world as it is, not how I see it, or indeed how I wish it could be. That is a painful process, but I’m hoping I will find peace. It’s worth trying, nothing will ever change while I keep kicking that boulder.

Many thanks. Take care.

S

[White_Rose]

Hello Imagine

You sound more positive in your last couple of posts. Great stuff.

I practice what is called Christian Meditation although it has been around since before the birth of Christianity. It involves sitting in an upright position, feet on the floor and hands in lap or where comfortable. Close your eyes gently and start to repeat your mantra in your mind. When you find you have stopped saying your word simply start again. Do not tell yourself off etc. Gently return to the meditation. It's useful to have a timer and stop after 20 minutes.

Have a look at these websites. The World Community for Christian Mediation is http://www.wccm.org/ There is also an Australian web page https://wccmaustralia.org.au/ Sometimes I struggle through the meditation and get exasperated with myself while at other times I feel refreshed and calm. Overall I believe the daily attempt to meditate gives its own reward. See how you go.

There are groups in all states so look them up on the web page. It is useful to join a group where you get help and encouragement. The metaphor of the boulder is well used in this meditation. Meditation does help us to be more accepting of others and I think it also helps us to accept ourselves. We are all sadly, flawed beings, but we also have the capacity for kindness and care for our fellow companions.

Imagine, you said "my perspective often keeps me distanced further from peace and happiness, that wishing for things I just can’t have" I wonder if these are things we just do not need. Once we recognise that fact it is so much easier to stop looking for them.

Tranzcrybe I also find your posts helpful and uplifting. You have a very nice way with words.

Mary

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Imagine,

Thank you for your concerns over my recovery - a few residual mementos (and I can always tell when it's going to rain!) but nothing will govern me.

Yes, I must agree with White Rose - you sound far more attuned and grounded. I feel your 'map' is being drawn clearer every day.

You do realise that you are the one with the 'vice like grip' on that rock, don't you? It's quite literally 'in your hands'. Holding it over your head will cause you pain; out in front, you will not see any joy beyond it; but stand on top of it, and your view of the world will extend even further than without it.

Imagine, thank you for hearing my words (and you too WR), and I also value your support in so doing.

All the best,

t.

[Imagine]

Hi White Rose and Tranzcrybe,

Thanks to both of you for your support and advice. The words of people who have also walked uphill climbs in darkness have helped a lot. You can see exactly where I am stuck. Although I can’t see my way yet, I draw faith from your successes and that helps too.

White Rose, thank you for your suggestions and information on meditation. Perhaps a different approach will help me and it’s certainly worth a try. It’s true that the things I want aren’t necessary, some people live quite happily without them so it is possible, it’s a question of me learning to do that.

Tranzcrybe, I’m glad you have recovered to such an extent. (I too am never caught without an umbrella when one is needed). I admire your attitude. I keep a framed copy of William Ernest Henley’s “Invictus“ on my dresser, and know the words by heart. They’ve seen me through many health challenges, severe pain and difficult days, but I haven’t managed to sustain that sense of determination and mastery of attitude over circumstances in life yet.

I’m feeling very lost and very sad as I learn to let go, but I do feel that I’ve kicked that boulder for the last time. The image that comes to mind, is that I’m sitting in its shade, shellshocked and exhausted from the fight, but perhaps catching my breath, tending my wounds and waiting to see what is next. Tranzcrybe, I loved the image of me standing on top of that boulder and seeing the view. I smiled as I read your words.

I will think of both of you with much gratitude when I get there.

S

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Imagine,

Fine words indeed from Henley and I see you have lived to his creed ... needs one more line (sorry Henley):

You don't have to weather the storm alone or stand in defiance to still be 'captain of your soul' - Be kind to yourself and open to new joy and wonder. All that matters will matter in time.

I hope you can post again along your journey - I (and White Rose, I'm certain) will be delighted to hear your progress or lend a hand if you stumble.

Wishing you the best of things to come, Imagine.

t.

[White_Rose]

Hello Imagine and Tranzcrybe

Being kind to ourselves can make such a difference. Sadly we live in a world where putting ourselves first is often seen as selfishness. I suppose that would be true if that was all we did but recognising our needs is important if we are to become a whole person. Pain is hard to live with so we need resources to cope with that.

Thank you for the Henley poem. I have not come across before though I recognise some of the lines have slipped into our language. I keep copies of various poems/quotes/stories on a wall in my kitchen where I walk past them every day. Stopping to reread one that catches my eye gives me a lift. Henley has joined that inspirational group.

Letting go of some of our favourite dreams is challenging. We do need to pick our battles carefully. The boulder is one such battle. Having said that I think the manner of approach to any difficulty is often different to the previous battle. You have tried pushing it away but it's too big. Climbing over it sounds a better option even though that is a struggle. When you are calm and quiet focus on the picture of you climbing up to see the view on the other side. If you can substitute this image for the one of pushing it away and keep that in your mind I think you will find it helpful.

This is akin to Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) where your brain treads a different path which over time becomes the default path leaving the old imagine and path to become overgrown and disused. This called neuroplasticity and is a recent development in our understanding of learning. It has always been believed that we cannot learn new ways as we age. That belief is now being challenged. You may like to research neuroplasticity and see how we can forge new pathways in our brains and learn new ways of operating. It's fascinating. As usual I have a book on the subject. It's called The Brain that Changes Itself. I think it could give you hope for your future.

Mary