What the hell is wrong with me?

[Millie99]

This is my first ever post so here goes.

I'm married with kids but I feel so alone.

Ever since I was a teenager I've never felt good enough. I was given a hard time in high school and never felt like anyone really wanted me around. Nothing's changed. I have a couple of friends but no one really close and I've always felt on the outside, like if I wasn't around they wouldn't miss me anyway.

i used to love my work but not anymore. A new employee started a year ago and she's just like all those high school bullies, sneaky and conniving and bitchy. She has talked me down to so many other employees that several have turned against me, it's like none of them can see what she is doing. High school all over again.

the last few days all I've done is put up a fake face when I'm around anyone and the second I'm alone I just cry. I wish I could just pack up and leave it all behind but I adore my children, they are the only shining light in my life.

What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I just pull myself together? Why don't I ever feel like I'm enough?

I feel so alone

[Blue_Jane]

Hi Millie

Welcome to our forums. Thank you for taking the time to share what is going on with you - I know it is not always easy to share in this way.

It sounds like your recent work situation has triggered the emotions that you have had for a while. Have you ever spoken to someone like a psychologist or a counsellor about how you are feeling? I have seen both and they can give you some great tips to use.

You are being very hard on yourself and it is only natural to feel like this sometimes - it is just making sure you enjoy the good bits in our life too! Like your kids which you sound very proud of.

Is there anything you can do to mix things up a bit? Such as exercise or meeting new people or reading different types of books or listening to different types of music? When I am feeling most anxious I try to eat extra well as that naturally gives me a boost. Another thing is to ensure you get some Vitamin D - especially in the morning. It sounds silly but it impacts the chemicals in our brain and resets us for the day. I don't mean to get sunburnt but maybe find a way on your way to work to get some sunlight.

As for the person at work, have you thought about having a word with her about some of her actions? And the colleagues who are believing her, don't worry, they are not worth it!

What about your partner, what does he/she think about it all?

Blue Jane?

[Guest_128]

Hey Millie,

Im just saying hi, sounds stupid but you are not alone,have a look about go find the social threads and you will find people that truly understand and offer advice. Good for you seeking help.

The big guns will be here soon.

Later

[BballJ]

Hi Millie99,

Firstly, welcome to the forums. Well done for reaching out for help and advice, it isn't always an easy thing to do.

I have been in a similar situation to yourself and understand where you are coming from, I know you currently don't feel like you are enough but believe me, you are... I have always found people who need to bring others down and battling their own personal stuff and bringing yourself to their level will never help your mental state. What is important is yourself and looking after yourself. Let's look at some positives you are married with kids and that straight away is a great thing and something to be proud of and to them I am sure you are supermum as well.

Is there a possibility to speak to someone at work about what is going on and how it is all making you feel?

My other suggestion is have you ever seeked out help from a GP and maybe thought about speaking to a psychologist to try and gain some understanding of your thoughts and how things make you feel. Like you, I didn't have a great experience in school either and always felt on the outside so I do understand where you are coming from.

Please also know you can call the Beyond Blue helpline on 1300 22 4636 24/7 to discuss anything you are going through.

My best for you,

Jay

[Millie99]

Thanks so much

After days of wallowing in misery and self pity I decided today I was going to fight back. Barely holding back the tears and anxiety I went into the big boss at work and told her that after doing my job for so long I was utterly disappointed in their handling of a situation brought about by the new person without discussing it with me effectively undermine my role. I got an apology and a reversal of the decision.

In the past I would never have done that. I've been walked over, picked on, used and abused so many times and never stood up for myself which has always resulted in more self loathing for being so weak. As hard as it was maybe fighting for my honour and dignity is one way I can feel a bit of self worth and will help keep the demons at bay....

I'm hoping one day soon I'll be able to drag myself out of bed to go for a morning walk. I understand what you mean about how getting out in the sunshine perks you up. There was a time that I would put music on and walk in the sun staring at nature, but when I'm feeling really down I just can't seem to bring myself to do it

thanks so much for your reply. That one small gesture has given me hope that I do matter. Hopefully tomorrow I can take another step forward and not 10 back

[Millie99]

To be honest it's quite scary and confronting being on here. I've never expressed those thoughts and feeling to anyone, no counsellors or psychologists, and while at times I have told my husband bits and pieces of it I'm sure he doesn't "get it" he has no idea of the depth of my despair and how low I get sometimes. He is very strong and is more of a suck it up, the past is the past, get over it and move on kind of man.

Maybe I should see someone. But that would mean admitting there is a problem and just how bad it is sometimes. Logically I know I shouldn't feel any shame and in the past I've supported other people who've had mental health issues and gone to get help, but for some reason I feel like my issues aren't valid. I've known a mum that lost a child to cancer. I know kids who've lost their mum. Those are real issues. Those are things people should get help for. So I had a hard time in high school, I'm sure lots of other people did too. Maybe I am just weak and feeling sorry for myself

[Tiffy1]

Hi, I have had feelings similar to the ones you are experiencing in the workplace .. I always found the workplace was my safe place where I excelled and an escape from my anxieties.. I had trouble growing up with girls and their " bitchy insecurities " .. I agree you are now feeling triggers from the past .. but they also maybe valid as some people use the workplace to take out their own insecurities . Do you have a person at work that you can discuss the issues with like a manager human resources etc ?

I never spoke of my issues for a very very long time , and I should have as when you are a mother working parent their are enough stresses whilst dealing with putting your own health in the background . I know this is hard but do not compare your feelings to " other life illnesses or issues " as your mental health is as important . No one is weak or feeling sorry for themselves when as you have said " you know you have some things from the past still creeping in" . I think you have some good insight and that is a strength .

[BlueGrass]

Hi Millie

I could have written most of what you have, but situation a bit different.

The boss would verbally shred me in front of the other workers, and that was bad enough. But....(there is usually a "but"..) the boss was not only my business partner, but also hubby, so I really had no escape, as he'd verbally attack me in front of the children as well.

So, when the employees are treated with more respect than the wife (delete "more", there never was any) and it carries into the home (make that 'house' ) one tends to feel like the live-in nanny/housekeeper/secretary ...and bed warmer. Incredible how one can be surrounded by people and feel so lonely.

I understand the fear of coming on here, but the anonymity gives you safety, I mean, even waiting in the counsellors waiting room, I used to fear being recognised. After all, a business owner/parent never needs help, everyone knows that. What a failure I must be.

When you feel able, do open up to a counsellor (may take a few before you find someone you work okay with) and talk with your counsellor about your hubby if you are not sure how to talk with him about this. It may be suggested he come along with you to some sessions.

All the best. Hugs

[Blue_Jane]

Hi Millie

Go you! And what an outcome - an apology and a reversal of the decision. They must really respect you. When you get down remember what you did today and how it made you feel.

If you have done a morning walk with music in the past then you can do it again. Maybe aim for once a week for a month and then assess how it feels?

Blue Jane

[BballJ]

Hi Millie99,

This is half the battle with mental health... I have spoken to many people on these forums and the amount that say they don't think their problems are good enough to be problems or someone else has it harder... end of the day you can only control what happens in your life and every single person deserves to be happy in this world, you included. Your issues, big or small, are your issues and no one has the right to tell you they are small or not valid. Everyone faces advertisy in some form or another and this is how you are feeling and I think you deserve to get help, you deserve to be happy and in a good place. I have suffered from anxiety for around 10 years and I always brushed it off until I realised how much of an impact it was having on my well being and happiness and when I seeked out help by way of these forums and speaking to a psychologist, I found some clarity. You have done a courageous thing by posting here and getting your feelings out so be proud of it, I know it isn't easy but you are doing it and it is a great first step to recovery.

My best,

Jay