What is wrong with me?

[Andy_and_Ray__3]

Is it normal to want to disappear? I don't want to die, I just want to restart my life and disappear. I have such a great life compared to some people I know, but we always want what we don't have. I have messed up everything in the past, and I want to reset my life. I know a lot of people just go 'oh the past is the past you'll get over it.', but I care about every action I do, what people might think of me, what my friends might think of me, what my family might think of me. I'm very self conscience about what everyone thinks of me. I've tried getting help, but every "compliment", I believe is a lie. They say " you're such a great artist!", but compared to everyone else's, my art is bad. They say, "you look nice today", but I think the school told everyone to be nice to me because I was seeing the school counsellor about my depression and anxiety. I believe the school I go to wants me to have a label, so I can be explained for my weird behaviour and me sitting by myself all the time. I don't want a label, but I want the school to leave me alone.

[EthanH01]

It sounds as though you feel uncomfortable with the perception of other people, specifically their attempts to ascribe to you an essence of your self that you don't necessarily identify with. It also seems that along with wanting to reject these attempts to label you, you have a mistrust for the sincerity of their vocalised labels. You asked if this is 'normal' and I believe it is - as the philosopher Sartre said "hell is other people."

The good news is that school will not last forever, and once you're out of school there's not really a situation where you're going to be compelled to interact with so many people so consistently, if you don't want to. For the meantime, I would suggest that you reflect on your own sense of self and attempt to 'disassociate' your own view of yourself with your perception of others view of yourself. Obviously, this is easier said than done; done consistently over time, however, you may find it helpful.

[Miyamoto]

Hey,

I know what you mean. I have that feeling from time to time, and a lot lately. It's just a feeling of wanting to disappear, and be free from the fear that you're being judged.

I have to remind myself that in reality, I'm projecting thoughts onto others that they don't have at all. It's like I'm playing a trick on myself.

I find it's connected with self confidence as well. It helps to try and be objective, and think about things your proud of having achieved as it's easy to forget your own successes and focus on negative thoughts.

I hope things get better for you!