What is this dark night of the soul?

[Saber]

Hello fellow humans,

I have an issue that I would like to discuss.

Throughout my life I keep getting this reoccurring feeling of agony in my soul. I don't understand it, what it wants, how to satisfy it, how to make it go away.

I can't even fully describe it, it's like a feeling of being stuck, trapped, confined and having your soul screaming for something but you can't understand the words. What is it that it wants?

I've had many changes through my life and yet this feeling keeps coming back, it doesn't stay with me all the time but when it returns, it's very painful.

I have family, I've had friends, I've had great love, I've had different jobs, I've lived in the city and country, I've had money, I've gotten to my goal weight, I am healthy, I have freedom, I've been to church, I've prayed, I've meditated, I've pursued hobbies that interest me, my belief systems have changed, I've had fun, I've developed self esteem and self love, I am very self aware and I both work on my problems and reflect on things. There are times when I have suffered from depression and anxiety and there are times when I have been mentally happy and healthy.

I am grateful for the good things I have and have had.

Yet despite everything, this feeling returns.

I am in no danger of self harm, I have no intention of suicide.

But I cannot stand feeling this way anymore, I want to know if there are other people who experience this? I don't know if this is a depression issue.

Does anyone understand it?

Does anyone have any ideas as to how to satisfy the beast? How to heal whatever it is?

[Croix]

Dear Saber~

Welcome here to the beyondblue Forum. Thank you for your very comprehensive description of your life. I guess in many ways you have lived a rich and full one. This of course unfortunately includes the depression and anxiety conditions you mention.

Can you say if you are under treatment for these? Also an obvious question - do the feelings you describe coincide with anything else in life or treatments?

As a fellow human with both of those ailments I must confess the only thing that came remotely close to what you describe is an overwhelming desire for peace and cessation of thoughts and symptoms. Not the same sort of thing at all I guess.

When I first read your description it remained me of passages about great masters who felt a burning need to create, however on second thoughts I became unsure as, if I remember correctly, it was accompanied by a need to express a message or emotion of some sort.

As there are a very wide set of experiences here in the Forum you may find others who do understand exactly what you mean.

In the interim may I suggest you have a browse around these forums to see if you can locate anyone else whose experiences you can relate to.

Sorry I'm not that much help. Please post again as often as you would like and say more.

Croix

[demonblaster]

Hey Saber 🙂
Interesting most of what you said & yes I can fully relate to

Paragraph starting with I have family, I was blown away at how similar our lives are/have been and how we're handling it. The majority of it (for me not church, & on way to goal weight) Wow surprisingly similar.

Yes the well aticulated dark side of the soul I know very well and it's a horrid place to be.
My first thought was depression but you've experienced that & anxiety but I have Bipolar and know exactly where you're coming from.

I'm working and WILL succeed at beating it, worst scenario having full control over it, not the other way, which has been that dark or Black cloud always above or close by & the depression is very deep with BP.

I think but not concrete it's a mix of both deep depression and anxiety, high stress.
Do you do anything mentally or physically to deal with it?
how long does it last?
Are you very tired when it happens which alone brings on high stress

I feel it yes it's in my mind (meaning I feel like crap) but also feel it in my chest, I think it's adrenalin but not 100%

Hope you find a way to handle it, it really is a nasty place to be.

[demonblaster]

Hey Croix 🙂

Good post, interesting what you said about the need to express message or create.
Well done working that out, it's hard to figure out what's going on.

Btw Saber, I've found walking hills, but any excercise would help untold with stimulation, being out, looking around etc and it's unreal for mental health, reasonably hard excercise releases endorphines, some of the feel goods, I'm back to it again and hope to stay with it, have to really for several reasons but magic for stress release and of course when you're able to breath again lol after a work out, doesn't take long and ya start feeling uplifted. Might help

[geoff]

hello Saber, there can be times when we just don't understand why it's at all possible we get depression/anxiety, because we have everything in life that we would ever wish for, it couldn't get any better, but then suddenly it bores down upon us, crippling our life and stopping us in whatever we have been doing.
This is what has happened with you, and yes you may appreciate what you do have and what has happened for you in the past, but now none of that means anything, because what maybe happening is that you are having a relapse, and Isay this because it's not with you all the time, but punishes you whenever it wants to.
Whenever this happens could mean that there are problems which you may know about, but haven't been able to sort through them, or problems which you don't actually know or could be too frightened to actually confront, that's why they return.
I'm not sure whether you have been diagnosed, but that's certainly what you need to do, see your doctor and then get a referral to a psychologist under a mental health plan, which entitles you to 10 free visits.
You seem to have hidden problems which keep coming back to annoy you, these have to be found so that you can learn on how to deal and then cope with them. Geoff.

[demonblaster]

Articulate, on point/s, understanding, supportive.

Nice one budz (Y)

[thylacine]

thank you Saber, your description was really familiar.

My understanding of the term "dark night of the soul" is that it is a period of time in which we are forced to look inward to get to know aspects of ourselves that have previously resided in the subconscious - and then to heal or transform those aspects so that we can start living in greater awareness of our soul needs and how to meet them. It also suggests that we can get 'stuck' in this process, unable to shed (like a snake shedding skin) something that no-longer serves.. and so attending to the shedding is also important.

that would be a Transpersonal approach to dark night of the soul. I've found transpersonal & art therapy work really helpful in building a language and relationship with that part instead of avoiding or resenting it.

The other thing is that it could be a response to a trigger that you may or may not be aware of and/or a relapse for any reason (or no reason at all). Either way, I’ve found that a good therapist or art therapist who knows a bit about transpersonal helps in building a better relationship with it. One where the screaming feeling gets less intense and frequent. In the meantime, guided talks and meditations such as the ones at tarabrach.com tend to satisfy the beast temporarily for me.

Hope that helps, all the best