weak and unmotivated

[Lobo]

Hi,

I have been suffering depression for almost 2 decades, i'm 35 and feeling low self worth. I lost my older sister and her husband in a car accident in 1993 and i was 14 Years old... throughout high school was not good, kept to myself. I've progressed in studying to advance myself in life, however just feel that I don't want to be here.

I've worked very hard to try and be in a better place, have travelled and lived abroad, but still no happiness can help me in my situation. I have returned from living in Europe 2 years ago and since I've been back... have only worked 8 months and now have been unemployed for a year which has triggered a big portion of depression that has made me weak and unmotivated to do anything really....

My health has been on the decline... I keep to myself because I can't trust anyone.... feeling very isolated and socially afraid.... So i lock myself in my room and try to minimise my interaction with people. 

Since not working for a year... I'm suffering also from Anxiety, sleep apnea, insomnia, stressed and feeling that low. I don't have a family... I've been single for a decade as I don't trust people to be close as fear of people being dishonest and I can read people so easily because I find a conclusion in anything that is negative. So in that, I don't have much to lose. I rather a person who has a family and a job to continue living than me having nothing. 

I have thought about doing the inevitable, but because my health has had a rapid decline, I guess I'm slowly withering away. But that doesn't worry me. I'm here to write about my story as having someone that was so close to me gone and the only person I could trust, I have always wanted to know why I'm still here.

I think everyday that I'm worthless, I wake up and I'm still here living, why? I don't know, I just hope to not wake up.

I am speaking with a professional about my illness but still unmotivated to do anything. I used to exercise, read, take photography, travel etc, but now I feel that its all a waste of energy. Talking to someone is maybe ok to get out what I think about everyday and for what I have endured throughout my teens and 20s, but not only that I've grown up in a very violent abusive family where mum and dad punished me for things no child should experience.

I'm not a violent person as because what I have went through as a child has made me understand that the growing attacks of people in public has made the offenders resort to this behaviour is most probably the resort of their upbringing, however in my case, I wouldn't harm others because of how bad I was violently abused as a child.

I constantly think negative about everything.... I constantly wish bad things happen to me because I grew up being punished and I don't see the enjoyment of being alive. If I had mutant powers, its the ability to smell lies of others who speak to me. Could be a recruitment agent, strangers, some friends. Just have this feeling of able to read peoples body language to show they say something and contradict themselves, lie, gain something from me, use me, cheat etc.

This isn't normal I know... maybe the only reason I am able to see through people is because I'm very honest and direct as I don't sugar coat anything, but possibly because the constant disappointment I go through with everyday tasks, fail job opportunities and people like some of my friends who want to help, say they don't have time for me shows that my strength in having faith in humanity is dead to me.

[StopThinkingStartLiving]

Hi there Lobo,

 You are not weak or 'abnormal' - you have just had a really long time managing life's traumas (losing your sister and surviving abuse) on your own. It is time to ask for help. You have listed your dark thoughts and problems but I don't see any solutions? Your story is similar to a friend of mine who has spent 20 years of her life expecting the worse/on anti depressants .... she has only recently found a counsellor she respects and is starting to see that she is worthy of happiness, love and all the things 'normal' people enjoy.

 Depression is not weakness, it's a sign that you have been strong for too long, you need to get help learning to love your self/life and you can turn your life around...

I am going through the same struggle but I have had help for years, I still feel low some days... Now I choose to look forward and not back, I choose to be happy every day, even when I lose my wallet/get rejected etc... And it is working. The power of our mind to drag us down (or UP) is incredible.

 Don't give up, ask for help! And I would highly recommend 'Stop Think, Start Living by Richard Carlson' - it is easy to read and lifted my mood withing the first chapter!

 Good luck, you CAN do it! You have come this far!