Wanting to change everything to feel something

[JayMic]

Hi all, I have never done this before... I am more a face to face person but right now this suits. I am a counsellor and I think I am struggling with depression & anxiety. I am 27, female and loosing interest in all I have... this appears to be seasonal and usually beings around april and hits home hard at winter. I almost ended my almost 9 year relationship last night...I want to quit my job, move overseas and start a new life - all my attachments done feel good enough - nothing feels good enough. How do i go from Nov last year feeling so in love, happy, content, calm - to now craving feelings in any way i can get them? I am a very emotional personal, I like feeling things - but now I feel numb, and its hard to stand. Its so hard because logically, as someone who spend 6 years studying to be a counsellor i know what's happening - but it doesn't mean i can stop it, or feel less alone in this place. I have cried on and off for small reasons, i feel ive been sick or run down most of the year, i want a completely different life and find my ususal interest boring and stupid, i feel nothing. Everything is a chore. Im bearly sleeping then struggling in the morning, my diet is horrible, i have no drive for anything. When i told my fiancé this - he was so upset, i could see he was crushed - i told him a want a different life, away and i need change - i felt nothing while he was sad...i feel i cried because i knew i should feel sad...but i felt numb, and dying to run. What the hell is wrong with me? Do others feel this sense of numberness and need for change when they have depression? I am so scared i am going to throw away everything ive worked hard for, everything i love, just to feel a rush...it scares me... I know i want to be alive, im not suicidal. I am just flat, numb and lost... Please let me know if anyone has shared similar experiences?

[Jacko777]

Hi JayMic,

I am sorry to hear you are feeling this way, I send you love. I don't think I have anything to offer a counselor, however, have you had you bloods tested? Is it possible that something has changed biologically with the season? As you know it is not a good time to end anything or make any big decisions until you work out what is going on. Perhaps you know what's happening but why is it happening?

What would you tell someone in your position to do?

Perhaps you could see a naturopath, get your levels checked, go from there? Hang in there mate, I reckon you will work this out quick.

Jack 

[Beryl]

Hi jaymic, this is beryl.

we feel the same. I understand where your coming from. I went numb about 32 years ago. I grieve for the loss of feeling anything other than a deepening or somewhat lessening of the grey nothingness which stretches back into infinity. That not quite connected to the world everybody else is living in condition is hard to accept. Everything you said is just how it is. I feel im running out of life now and wonder if this is all there is ever going to be. Every day is a monumental effort to get through as you play your role with that stuck on paper smile. The years roll by,. I cant help but i can understand, wish you hope and send you a massive hug.

[JayMic]

Hey jac, thanks for your reply - it means a lot. Yes it seems to be the weather and lack of sunlight, depression can occur as a cyclic event & mine seems to be that way. I am low in iron and vit d which I know both affect your mood so I am taking supplements. So I am controlling what I can but its hard. That's what's hard as a counsellor - I am doing all that I would recommend I guess I just need to be easy on myself... It's never a quick fix. I guess because I know what it is it makes me more sad - I just wish I didn't have to keep going through this... I wish I could 'fix myself' already. Thanks for your support, this forum has really helped me to connect with people who are going through the same thing. Take care of you 

[JayMic]

Hi Beryl, thank you for your post - while I hate your feeling the same way, as I truly don't wish this on anyone, it provides me some comfort in it alone...I at least hope I can offer the same to you. It's such a bizarre feeling... It's almost like you need to pitch yourself to still feel present. The only thing that's getting me through beryl is a few things - therapy, exercise, forcing myself to do that things I know I used to enjoy, relaxation strategies - deep breathing, PMR & mindfulness, happiness list - little activities I know will boost my mood even if slightly, gratefulness book - each day talking about what I'm grateful - even if this is simply 'getting though today' and lastly - self acceptance - I have depression, it doesn't define me, I am more than this, It will pass if I work on it, I am a good person, I can do this. we can do it Beryl - this isn't us, we will feel something soon if we take action & push depression out of the way. Good on you for getting though this for 32 years - that alone shows such incredible strengths and determination. You have motivated and encouraged me so thank you. Take care of yourself, and feel comfort there is someone feeling exactly the same & we will fight this together xx

[Beryl]

Hi jaymic, beryl here again. Thank you for your reply, its such a boost to know someones there and understanding. Yes, youve encouraged me to believe that it might be possible to get through this and out the other side. It would be such a wonderful moment to suddenly have the clouds of misery lift, the sky open wide and blue and the sun come streaming down onto our faces after such a long time. Hold that thought.

eons ago a psych told me to go and make new memories as most of mine made me sad. Heused to set me homework to go and do nice days out. I hated it but did it any way. At the time it seemed pointless, doing nice things that i didnt enjoy. It was odd going through the motions of doing what you know is fun but it  brings no joy. That was twenty six years ago and now i can remember those days out and understand the benifit of doing it. I made new memories, they werent perfect, kind of generic but unburdened by the usual pain and i remember little things like water trickling over stone in a garden, tiny petals of opening cherry blossom sillhouetted against a morning sky. The gentle gracefull swish of carp tails in a cool pool. Soft billowing plumes of blue and white iris bobbing in the breeze. The beautiful solidity and permanence of sculpted granite with its mottled look and textured feel. The fragility of alittle white butterfly dancing over a wall.

it was a good thing to do. Something that has kept me hopefull all these years is the tiny flecks of beauty that are there if you look hard enough.

i suggest to everyone its good to make yourself some new memories. Xx beryl