Wake up ok and then it all goes down hill....

[kittycat2]

I often wake up feeling ok in my mood, have good intentions to get things done in my day including my business, but then as the morning progresses my mind turns to feeling sad, and i have this war going on in my head - "think positive", "no dont think like that", I feel a shift for the better for a few moments and then back down again. I look around my home that was once so organised, I go into my office and I just feel numb, I dont want to face any of my clients work, I dont want to work on their projects and I can see deadlines coming and I'm just numb. Working on my own is not helping and I wonder if getting a job for someone else would help, but that's another problem what do I do? and no one wants to employ someone who's been self employed for 30 years... its all too hard and my body and mind is just numb, I feel nothing and have no passion or happiness anymore.

[Turtle_eyes]

I feel similar to you, my Working Life late last year took a nosedive, which saw me resign from what I had done for 10+ years. Now I find myself in an odd kind of no-mans land. Unsure where to turn.

So, out of the blue I decided to sell up a lot of stuff I don't use much anymore to buy a liveaboard Yacht.

I thought to myself, 'Life isn't going to wait for me to catch up', and 'If not now, when?'

So I found a boat in my budget and bought it, I was super anxious about the decision as I had no job, or any Sailing experience. When I picked up the keys I was flat out scared!

I still feel very down about not having a job, but that is only one aspect of Life, the other aspect is Living a dream I have had since a child. The Boat now gives me my 'own space' and a great project to learn the ropes and maintain it.

So, I would say it is important to just 'try it' whatever that 'it', is to you, it maybe Riding a bike to the top of Australia, or getting your Skydiving Certificate, going Hangliding, or doing Karaoke at the local. Fear will rise up in you as it did in me, but Soldier on in the face of it and make a decision....it doesn't matter if it is not what you expected, just let it happen.

I have invested too much of what work I do into who I am. Sounds like you have too.

With 30 years of self employment, you will have many skills required from a future Employee.

Hope to see you belting it out at the Karaoke night ;-)!

[Jugglin_Strugglin]

You have described exactly how many people with depression feel. And you have started to address it by acknowledging it. Would it help to set 'mini-goals' from hour to hour, to get you through each day. It is going to be a long wait until you see your doctor. If you can break each day down into smaller time frames, then you just have to get thru each, rather than worrying about the whole day, (let alone week!)

There was a good suggestion to set the timer on your phone to 5mins, then have a 'flurry of activity' until alarm goes off. You could do 5 mins or an hour, whatever you feel you will be able to achieve. In this way, at least something gets done, and you will get a sense of achievement &the positive thoughts that should follow. It might be tidying the bedroom, or vacuuming, but this can be massive when even things like getting in the shower seem like an impossible task.

Depression changes your thinking, it can twist everything in a negative way. This makes it hard to be able find pleasure in doing the things that we know we enjoy. Try to keep doing those things though, it is important in overcoming it.

Avoid thinking too far into the future re business vs job, as your brain is not thinking clearly, it is not a good time to make major decisions. Plus it is giving yourself something else to catastrophise about. So allow yourself to let it go, and focus on 'now' until you're feeling more like yourself.

Is there any possibility of employing someone for a few hours to do some basics, or the work that stresses you the most? Just a thought, sadly i can't do it, but it might help to get through the short term, and need not be a permanent thing.

In a way, I play little mind games with myself..in an effort to trick my brain into positive thinking. So the timer game above. Even if it is 5 times a day, that is 30mins of tasks that weren't achieved otherwise. It quickly adds up to something significant, & the main benefit is the feeling of positivity which is exponential. Baby steps is another, to break a bigger 'insurmountable' tasks down to manageable ones, usually paperwork or business, so it is 'same but different'. Sounds trite, I know, but everyone has different ways to push yourself. I find the hardest part is just starting, but once your going, momentum gathers& it gets easier.

It isn't easy, many here on forums know, and will help with caring. Words not flowing too well, cannot find the right ones. Keep on posting, it is therapy in itself.

[RAB]

I went for months staying home not being medically fit to attend work. Many days of no sunlight or interaction. I became obese from no physical activity and binge eating and drinking. Then my Psychologist I was seeing at the time challenged me at the start of each day to step outside and sit with pet dogs for 30 minutes and allow my skin to absorb some natural sunlight.

The next week I would walk down to the end of the street and back (200meters). The following week past the end of the road to the park and back (400metres). This continued to eventually I was powerwalking 4.5 km’s daily, then twice daily and over the course of 5 months I found my positive energy reach new levels I hadn’t experienced in years. I became and I lost 40 kilo’s in the process.

I feel back into a bit of a trough for 2-3 months but back doing now what I know works for me.

I know things work for some and not for others, but hopefully this might be of some help.

[kittycat2]

Wow your story is very inspiring. Living on a boat that is awesome. Making changes can be scary, i normally embrace change but im a bit scared at the moment but i do think i need to make some changes to get some vitality back in my life and start mixing with people as im isolated working alone most days . i wish you all the best in job hunting and thanks for your advice

[kittycat2]

Hi thanks for this great advice I really like the timer idea I will try that tomorrow. I find the 5 days i dont have my daughter at home is the most trying as i dont have to be accountable and its too easy to hibernate. I am going to take another posters advice and try and get to the beach and I've started using the mindfullness app.

it's not possible to employ anyone as I don't have the funds to spare. I have been thinking about making a job g chance to try and make more friends and cont act in the community as I'm so isolated.

I have found that posting has helped i never realised how many people are suffering alone. I know i wouldnt like to talk about this with my family and friends. I did speak to mydaughter and shes understanding asking me everyday if im okay. Although i havent told her everything as shes only 16. Thanks again

It .

[pawsy]

Thanks for posting. This is very helpful to read since I feel a lot of the same things and you express it so well. I like the 5 min timer idea too. I hope things turn around for you soon. It's encouraging to know so many people struggle with feelings of numbness.

[kittycat2]

Hi Pawsy I love your photo very cute. I love animals. I agree its hard to explain the numbness and only others with the same understand. I used to have such passion for life but exhaustion has overtaken me. I hope your feeling okay. I made a list of things to do this week so I tried to focus on that. Hugs to you.

[pawsy]

Thanks for the hug kittycat. a warm one back to you! I hope youre feeling ok also and your week goes well. from pawsy