Unable to let go of it.

[Cantthinkofadisplayname]

I decided to join a forum after reading the book The Buddha and the Borderline. I cant even describe how much I related to her. I am a self diagnosed borderline and I want to get better, I have been working at getting better for over a decade but I am trapped when it comes to childhood memories. I believe if I could rid myself of them, Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind style, I could find balance and happiness. They pull me down. I cant let them go. They shape every aspect of my adult life. Im more than ready to move on and be the creator of my own life. To put the past abuses aside and grow from them. But Im trapped. In order to become a better person, I have to be self aware of my behaviour. And by doing this Ive been made aware that my behaviour is a reaction to an extreme prolonged childhood of abuse. I found that colored my entire personality. Its my identity. I have run from it, then tried to face it, then told myself over and over the reasons people do horrible things to kids and try to humanize them but Im still angry. I havent moved past that rage.
I need advice on how to get rid of memories. Or how to tolerate them when they come at me and wont leave for days.

I want to be Zen. I want peace. I want to be a person that I like without those harsh voices in my head screaming at me that I am completely worthless and to suck it up and everyone has problems but my anger is holding me back.
How do you let go of something that was avoidable that ruined youre whole entire life, personality, thoughts, veiws of the world. How do you let go of extreme anxiety when you have to leave the house and trust that the world is safe(ish)? How do you snap yourself out of the deepest depression when even going to the toilet is exhausting? What do you do when you are desperately trying to get better and you have toxic people in your life telling you its a waste of time, you will never get better, you are delusional, worthless? I would love to cut them out of my life but cant. I dont say anything now and work in secret but how do I tune out all the words coming at me, telling me Im wasting my time.
I feel like the reason they dont want me to get better is because they dont want to be exposed.
I need to block over 30 years worth of critisism and hate and violence and words. Coming to terms with it and accepting it is fleeting. I feel differently about it day to day. But today I am angry so here I am.
Thanks.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Mental illness in my experience is a matter of using all the resources at hand, all of them, to fight the illness. Miss one resource and you might not be getting your full potential for repair.

The traditional process you might be well aware- proper diagnosis by a trained professional, appropriate medication and dosage of same, regular GP visits, education...then radical moves to improve your life like removing toxic people from your life (I did that with my mother and never looked back) , spiritual growth, change of environment (city to country living), career choices away from working with food and people and back to basics like growing vegies and walking a lot.

So here are a few threads that can help. Google them and read the first pos tof each.-

• Beyondblue topic what else can you do- be radical
• Beyondblue topic fortress of survival
• Beyondblue topic fortress of survival part 2
• Beyondblue topic seesaw of acceptance
• Beyondblue topic back to basics

You might also like to contribute towards a great thread by Blondeguy (Paul) which is ongoing.

Beyondblue topic do you like yourself

repost anytime

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi to you on your quest for Zen!

Whilst anger can be uncomfortable to say the least, I believe it to be a constructive and motivating feeling that prompts us to address a deep need for questioning and change. Typically, discovering the best answers/insight as well as a productive form of change is what brings a sense of peace. Easier said than done, for sure. Sometimes professional guidance is worth considering when we're searching for answers and reformation. Also worth considering when mental health issues can be impacting our perception and direction.

In speaking of perception, self-esteem often plays a major role. I personally believe Nathaniel Branden to be a master on the topic of self-esteem. 'The 6 pillars of self-esteem' is a brilliant book. A brief rundown on the 6 pillars with some examples thrown in:

• The practice of living consciously: 'I am aware of and hold deep belief in what I deserve' and will not tolerate what does not match this mantra
• The practice of self-acceptance: I accept by body, mind and spirit and their call to personal healing, so that all 3 can experience balance, unity and greater energy
• The practice of self-responsibility: I take responsibility for my healing and I will manage this responsibility by exploring different avenues that lead to my healing
• The practice of self-assertiveness: I will state my truth when facing lies. When someone says 'Its a waste of time, you will never get better, you are delusional, worthless...' I will state 'Personal evolution is never a waste of time. I will heal in order to become the greatest version of myself. I am a seeker of answers and truth. I am far more valuable than you know'
• The practice of living purposefully: My current purpose may perhaps involve inspiring others, in the way of healing. I will view myself as a guiding light
• The practice of personal integrity: My inner values match my spoken words and my actions. I will not tolerate injustice. I will not tolerate abuse, whether it be physical or verbal. I will not tolerate disrespect. My personal integrity will act as my compass in helping me assert and support myself

The 6 pillars are based on the foundation of (1)self-respect and (2)self-efficacy.

The way we identify with memories, people, places, mental programs etc definitely leads to the formation of our identity, to a degree. Re-identifying these factors in new ways (through new perceptions) is what leads to a change in how we come to identify our self.

Take care

[White_Rose]

Dear CTOADN

Hello and welcome to the forum. So pleased you found us. Is it OK to use the initials of your name?

First of all congratulations on being determined to be well. It's not an easy job no matter how much you want to get to the heart of it all. Childhood abuse I believe is the hardest to deal with. So many years when you had no idea this was wrong or not normal, hearing how silly and worthless you are. Those are the wounds that go the deepest and can still fester in later life.

It's good you can tune out the continual bombardment of similar comments. I do want to suggest that while you feel you can ignore these comments and believe they have no ill effects on you, I wonder if they are still feeding your hurt and your lack of confidence. Getting over these barriers is hard enough without someone pulling you back at the same time.

There is nothing wrong with anger. It shows you have recognised how abused you have been. It is of course the way we deal with this stuff that counts. You said, I need to block over 30 years worth of criticism and hate and violence and words. Trying to bury this stuff is usually unprofitable also. Now you know about it, the wretched memories will keep resurfacing. I know because this is what I did and still do on occasions.

I gather you have no professional help for your mental health issues. There is no need to have any help if you do not want it. There are also gains in talking to someone. In the safety of that persons room you can explore the past. No one is going to call you names, tell you to snap out of it etc and there is no hidden agenda. You will be talking to someone who has your best interests at heart and wants you to get well.

I have been going to a psychiatrist for about three years. It is cheaper than a psychologist as the psychiatrist fees get a Medicare rebate. Depending on your age and circumstances you may be eligible for a small safety net amount but in any case a psychologist does not get Medicare rebates unless you have a mental health plan. I suggest you see your GP and get a mental health plan, although this will only last for ten visits per year, or a referral to a psychiatrist. Make a long appointment and discuss all the options.

When my thoughts appear I can sometimes recognise they are starting and go and do something physical away from the area I was in when the thoughts started. Just a quick suggestion. I hope you will reply.

Mary

[Username_9]

Thanks so much for you kind words. You hit the nail on the head when you said it was hard enough getting over barriers is so much harder when there are one or two constant people in your life that are trying to shake your self esteem and self worth to hide and cover up their mistakes. I hate confrontation but I guess at some point its going to have to come to that? Im no longer a child but they can still hurt me and manipulate and bully but to tell them I want nothing more to do with them would break up my family into 'sides'.

In the past, Ive seen many psychologists and psychiatrists and I think, for me at least, I have to relate or feel some kind of connection with them before I open up. I made the mistake once of opening up to an older male psychiatrist and he smirked and rolled his eyes at me the whole time and it put me off for a while. The others are through medicare, which Ive gotten on with really well and had good chats with, but havent been able to speak about it because it just didnt feel right and the context never headed that way.

I have these moments that scare me. Furious rage. I feel like a Game of thrones character, imagining out to seek vengeance on them (not in a gross way, just with words). My hate overcomes me at times and I dont want to feel like this. I dont feel like I could tell a shrink something like this without it ending up on my medical records. I also know this is not a normal way of thinking.

I feel like the first 15 years of my life ruined the entire rest of it. Everything I do is to avoid people, places and situations. I hate conflict and if theres any risk in it, I will remove myself. I dont bond well with people. Abuse follows me to new countries, new houses, new jobs.

How do I let it go for good? The abusers have no guilt to what they did. They admit perhaps they were "Harsh" and a "bit violent" but "for my own good, I needed to learn, I was an evil baby, evil child" (there weird words, not mine). Does it ever TRULY go away? Or be tolerable to live with?

The violence stopped years ago but the mental and emotional abuse keeps coming. No matter how I react, they shout over top of me in this frenzied terror I would tell people and Ive shamefully thought more than once that its an idea. But I have a child. That makes me pause on such plans.

If only I could remove almost all my childhood memories, I could become normal. be able to go outside without fear. Maybe even get a job. I know thats not possible though/