Triggered by posting on BB

[Just Sara]

Today I posted a few times; the last time I wrote some really interesting stuff about power and control. As my day has progressed, I've had increasing low feelings and a heavy chest.

I figure power is an item of contention, especially with re to my ex who I wrote about. This is difficult...I'm trying to ride it out, these feelings are known to me oh so well. It's now moving into my shoulders and up into my throat. I feel depressed, but my body says anxiety. Tears are building; trying to see the screen. Waiting for words to come...I just want someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be alright. (many tears)

I miss physical touch.

I feel raw...exposed...vulnerable

I ventured out of my protective bubble and am paying the price. I talked with him...setting myself up. His false charm got me again. Why do I punish myself like that. Memories of his hugs?

Self destructive behaviour...OMG I'm so angry with myself. I hate feeling needy. He's not worth this...I deserve to feel better about myself.

Learning to protect myself...not from him...from me. My bubble is my space and who I let in or venture out to meet has to be learned. I need to be more self aware. (Taking a breath)

[blondguy]

Hey Dizzy

I hear you loud and clear on reading other posts and learning from them. I just put it down to 'continual self improvement' I have learned so much of other threads it enriches my 30+ years of experience/help I can offer others on the forums.

You are a gem Dizzy and thankyou for reading my new thread too:-)

Paulx

[Just Sara]

Good morning Tony WK and Paul;

Gee Paul you were up at wee hrs this morning. Like me the other day too. I've been sleeping better thanks to med's plan. But after 6 hrs it tends to wear off, so I end up out here with coffee and lung busters keeping my mind at bay typing.

As usual Tony, your anecdotes and wisdom are a welcome read. Like you I spent 6 yrs in a blue uniform treading the corridors and yards learning what 'safety' can mean in a confined environment. It was some of the best and worst experiences of my career life.

My first week as a newbie, I was relieving an overseer for a 20 minute break and she locked me in a small area with three females. They pushed me to my limits with profanity and threats after she'd taken the phone with her, and the Motorola wasn't working; I was trapped. Typical set up situation where she wanted to test my worth?! If it wasn't for overhearing a conversation earlier that day, I may have been dead.

One of the inmates lifted a large fire extinguisher over her head to attack me. I said calmly; "I hear you're up for parole" She threw it to the floor and I waited 45 minutes in fear for the overseer to return. Needless to say I gave her a piece of my mind after she returned. Her response was aggressive and arrogant. I whispered in her ear; "We can talk about it in the car-park after work if you want." I had established my worth.

Looking back, I was a different person then; happy and a little cocky. My mental health declined years later; that self confidence is sorely missed.

Not being able to trust the people I needed to trust, as with the above, became more prevalent as time passed. Especially with those close to me. And as you say, being burnt will keep us away from the fire.

It's a work in progress

Cheers...Dizzy x

[Just Sara]

I've yet again been triggered to tears from posting about power and control. I want to save people from going through what I've gone through, but struggle to deal with my own pain. I'm so hypocritical! I'm embarrassed to think I've told someone else to take care of themselves first. Yet today have avoided doing the same for me.

That's why I live alone. I can't hurt anyone else with my lectures. All I can say, is that caring for others has been the only thing of value I've had in my life. It's so hard to just have me.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Dizzy@home, I think one of the great things about the forums is that people openly share their expertise, ideas and experiences, knowing that they too have their own struggles and challenges. In helping others we sometimes become aware that maybe there are other things that we should do for ourselves, but this should not be seen as a criticism, more a reminder that as we help others we also need to keep an eye on ourselves. It takes great compassion and care to want to help others and it's a great thing to value so highly Dizzy@home.

Throughout this thread you have talked of the many things that you have done or thought about on your journey. Again, this shows your determination and commitment. You are learning more about yourself in your interaction with your psych, in your personal reflections, and in the conversations that you have with us here. How you share that with us is up to you but don't hesitate to share you ideas, and the things that you have learnt along the way. No one will see it as hypocritical - instead they will see a person who cares for the well being of others.

Take care

[blondguy]

Hi Dizzy 🙂

Sorry I have been invisible...I just read your post(s) above and I saw this;

Dizzy Said:" All I can say, is that caring for others has been the only thing of value I've had in my life.

I hear you so loud and clear Dizzy. You are and never have been hypocritical!..You are an intelligent caring and well articulated person that is a delight to talk to:-)

Sophie M made a few good points above;

Sophie M said: "It takes great compassion and care to want to help others and it's a great thing to value so highly Dizzy"

You are a huge help to others Dizzy...I have read your posts...you are a legend! I cant even follow my advice either sometimes. You are a important and valued contributor in the forums..

I Love the way you help others Dizzy

Paulxx

[Just Sara]

Thankyou Sophie for your concern and lovely comments. Crying was my response because I'd decided to leave BB and retreat into my isolated world of guilt. Reading the posts from Paul and you gave me some insight of yet again needing to understand I'm not perfect and that's ok.

Being flawed is normal. I do get that. I relapsed prior to commencing a planned lifestyle change on Monday. I'd written up my own action plan, daily food and behaviour logs and a new menu plan. My weekend was tumultuous and anxiety ridden, but Monday went well and even had some nice surprises. However yesterday, day 2, I felt the pinch of subconscious fear and took it out in a local thread airing what I now know was projecting my own pain. I hope I haven't burnt any bridges.

Paul...I so look forward to your posts. They're a breath of fresh air. Your confidence in me and how you expressed your appreciation is welcomed with open arms and gratitude. I'm glad you get something out of my stories as I do from yours. My psych and I have spoken often about my need to save people, and how it affects so many of my decisions. Especially when it comes to exposing myself to harmful situations and people without experiential knowledge of how to protect myself. I'm learning though.

The time I'm spending on my own is a type of sabbatical; learning about boundaries, trust, self love and tolerance to name a few. BB is a strategy to help me achieve my goals.

The day will come when I can leave my front door to join my community with a new sense of wonder and excitement. I look forward to greeting you then to share my new found joy; for now though I learn with each courageous step...Dizzy x

[Doolhof]

Hi Dizzy and Everyone,

Sometimes I make posts on here offering people encouragement, pass on ideas and thoughts that I hope will help them. In the mean time I may be having a really bad day where I don't know hoe I am going to proceed with anything once I turn off the computer.

To me that doesn't mean I am a fraud, a hypocrite or anything like that, it just means to me that I am still capable of reaching out to others and trying to offer them some ideas to help them in their own lives.

Dizzy, you wrote

"I've told someone else to take care of themselves first. Yet today have avoided doing the same for me."

That is okay. You too have been able to reach out to someone when you have not been feeling like you can do the same for yourself.

If I was able to do everything perfectly that I have suggested or mentioned to others, then I would have a massive line of people at my door seeking advice and healing! There would be no more mental health issues for anyone!

The truth is I still struggle. You may have days where you still struggle. That is okay. Having days where you don't cope is okay.

Learning from those days and experiences is what counts.

My psychologists keeps telling me that I beat myself up and expect too much from myself. I need to let go of that. When I have lived with this way of thinking it is not easy to change, but it is possible.

Hopefully you can understand and accept that at times it is easier to offer advice and suggestions than it is to actually put those things into practise in your own life.

Take Care Dizzy, cheers from Mrs. Dools

[Just Sara]

You're so right Mrs D;

It helps to know others struggle with similar issues and read how they cope (or don't) For me, there are deep memories of watching others suffer and the helplessness I felt not knowing what to do or how to separate myself from their pain. It's this paradox of learning about boundaries and self preservation. That's the difference between sympathy and empathy. Unfortunately it's my reality; too many decades of caring for others in my career, and facing family issues too painful to bare.

This forum and the feedback I've received has been a journey, but as with my life, I gravitate towards 'feeling' for members and their problems. My poor nervous system has been battered and bruised from fighting not just for me, but trying to save my little sisters, my son, family, friends and vulnerable people I've had in my care.

As much as this site helped me connect with others who understand my plight, it also feeds my insatiable need to put others before me. I guess it's a form of dissociation and avoidance. At least that's what my psych says, and I tend to agree.

This forum has in a way, replaced my journal; it's a place just for me.

So thankyou again for your comments, they've been helpful...Dizzy x

[Doolhof]

Hi Dizzy,

It can be very easy to feel like you want to be able to help everyone, to save feeling exhausted and burnt out, we sometimes need to take a step back for self preservation.

Every now and then when I am feeling a little low in spirits, I don't tackle the more needy threads, but have a look at what is happening in the BB Café, with the game type threads and other light hearted threads.

It is beneficial for me to know these other threads are here on this forum, I feel more balanced that way.

Hopefully you have learnt ways to look after yourself in all of the caring and fighting you have been doing.

It is okay to take a step back now and then, proceeding when you have gained strength and a clearer sense of self perhaps.

All people who give of themselves and whop fight for others need to be refreshed and restored and need to know that sometimes they need a break.

Well done to you for being there for so many people.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Just Sara]

Thankyou so much Mrs D for reminding me that balance and recharging go hand in hand. I do find solace in positive threads. I'm about to contribute to my daily dose of 3 things to be grateful for.

I'm learning. Not just here, but in my daily life. My goal? Teaching/living by example. Words have become so important to me. I suppose even as a child I loved writing. Maybe it was an outlet to express what I wasn't confident enough to say.

In any case, I push on. With people like yourself in my corner; how could I lose?

Again; thankyou...Dizzy x