Triggered by posting on BB

[Just Sara]

Today I posted a few times; the last time I wrote some really interesting stuff about power and control. As my day has progressed, I've had increasing low feelings and a heavy chest.

I figure power is an item of contention, especially with re to my ex who I wrote about. This is difficult...I'm trying to ride it out, these feelings are known to me oh so well. It's now moving into my shoulders and up into my throat. I feel depressed, but my body says anxiety. Tears are building; trying to see the screen. Waiting for words to come...I just want someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be alright. (many tears)

I miss physical touch.

I feel raw...exposed...vulnerable

I ventured out of my protective bubble and am paying the price. I talked with him...setting myself up. His false charm got me again. Why do I punish myself like that. Memories of his hugs?

Self destructive behaviour...OMG I'm so angry with myself. I hate feeling needy. He's not worth this...I deserve to feel better about myself.

Learning to protect myself...not from him...from me. My bubble is my space and who I let in or venture out to meet has to be learned. I need to be more self aware. (Taking a breath)

[Doolhof]

Hi Dizzy, Paul, Rob and all who are reading,

Suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder and Depression does not help me much at times regarding friendships and relationships.

My mind second guesses everything. Why hasn't that person phoned me back? Am I such a bad person that so and so does not want to come out to dinner with me? I haven't heard from him for a long time he has forgotten me!

Some of the time those thoughts drive me nuts! One part of my brain is telling me that everyone hates me, the other part is trying to tell me to be rational.

I don't know how many times I have deleted my best friend's email address because I hadn't heard from him or he only sent me a one line email! Only to later find out he had been at his Mum's looking after her due to an operation.

My mind even tells me I am worthless if I don't receive a response on this forum! How silly is that! I need to keep reminding myself that is not the truth!

This forum provides a wonderful place for people to connect. People move on from here as well. For me it is important to realise that happens in real daily life as well. It is okay for that to happen.

The thing for me is to make the most of the friendships that do happen, to accept it when stuff happens, and to be happy with my own company until another person connects, even if it is only for a short period of time.

Some people like their cyber hugs and others don't so I'm also a little confused about that! So I send you all my best wishes for a peaceful mind instead.

Cheers from Mrs. Dools

[Just Sara]

Hey Mrs D;

I thought I was the only one!! I too suffer self blame and guilt from how others react. But I'm learning, also like you. There's a child inside of me wanting to be perfect so I'll be hugged and safe.

Withdrawing as Paul reiterates, helps me to identify me and my role within relationships. It's working because I have the time and privacy to err (is divine) and learn from historical brain data.

This morning I had a major break-through. God it was painful. I called Lifeline to help me settle and get back to the adult me. Change can't happen until I challenge my internal 'schemers'. Those self destructive core beliefs about myself I created growing up. Some are so invisible and powerful, they control every aspect of my life. So to move forward, they need to go and be replaced with functional and productive ones to suit my future goals and aspirations.

You know when we say something to ourselves like; "All I want is peace and to feel safe" Well, to feel those things, I need to challenge the belief I'm not safe or at peace. So when I develop new strategies for peace and safety, those schemers kick up a stink and try to prove how 'at risk' I'm making things and to go back to the way I've lived up until now. Ergo; bad memories appear to remind me of horrible things that happened in my past so I need to live on hyper-vigilance or perish.

Is making myself unattractive going to stop the men I love from raping and abusing me? No! But somehow I've convinced myself of that. I'm seeing my psych today to discuss schemers and how to change them.

Somehow, the child I was took blame, guilt and accountability from the shoulders of abusers, and placed it in my own lap. Here I am many decades later and only just realising that belief even existed.

Oh my, we are a complex bunch eh?

Hugs...Dizzy x

[Just Sara]

Oh Paul;

I love your posts! You write as you speak, at least it seems this way. Thankyou for quoting me. Now I have insight to know you better too. Don't take that the wrong way...it's admiration for our courage to expose ourselves a little for a positive outcome...having like minded people to converse with. All be it anonymously; he he.

Could you please explain your comment; "...on the air since January"? Sorry if I sound ignorant.

Is it the same as 'in my right mind' or 'working on radio'?

Hugs x

[Doolhof]

Hi Dizzy,

Think I was a little low in spirits when I wrote my post earlier.

I don't always second guess everything, just do it more so when I am struggling mentally.

Some days I have a great laugh at the not so pleasant stuff that happens in my life.

Sorry to read about the abuse you have had to endure. I know a little about that as well. For me I have been able to forgive the person, I doubt I will ever forget though.

For me letting go of that hurt, pain, anguish, blame and hatred helped release all the negativity inside of me. Regrets are pointless unless we learn from them.

I was slowly destroying myself from the thoughts and agony that went on in my mind. Having peace instead feels so much better!

Congratulations for calling Life Line. It can take a bit of an effort to make that call but it is certainly worth it!

Hope your visit with your psych went well. Those experiences can be a little daunting at times, but helpful too.

Hope you are doing okay.

Cheers from Mrs. D

[Gruffudd]

Hi there Dizzy,

Some big things going on there, getting to the psyc, but more then that doing that difficult thinking and joining the dots, making sure you get the support you need. I feel kind of proud of you for doing that, and might be able to figure out doing some of the same things around my own hypervigilance, and that would be great.

Rob.

[Just Sara]

Hey Mrs D. and Rob;

It's 4 in the morning...couldn't sleep. It was a big day yesterday, I ended up having a phone consult with psych as I couldn't face leaving the house. She's such an amazing and intuitive woman, I got so much out of our chat.

Thanks Rob for your kind words; someone telling me they're proud of me doesn't happen often. I tell myself here and there and literally pat myself on the back. I hope you're proud of yourself too. Not just for the obvious self knowledge you have, but your determination to move forward and help 'us' do the same. Just one thing on hyper-vigilance; I learned it comes from negative expectations. I once had an issue with a client of mine years ago who reacted aggressively towards me. I spoke with his clinician and realised my body language and speech patterns gave away my fear of his behaviour escalating. I changed the way I acted around him; more positive and calm. He didn't know what to do at first. But as time went on, we both began to relax. Actually, this is interesting; I was the authority figure and he was the vulnerable one. A reversal of my childhood trauma's. Hmm...

Speaking of being positive; Mrs D you are so entitled to have an off day. You've bounced back beautifully though...kudos! It's nice to know people can forgive. I guess I've done my share, but as you say, forgetting is another story. After getting up at 3, I sat and, not berated myself, but was a little negative. Since writing here, I feel much better.

The tail end of my session with psych was about positive and physical ways to self nurture. Habitual behaviour from being nurtured in dysfunctional ways has rubbed off; TV, food, alcohol, cigarettes and idleness. Another reversal of my (self authority) role. It challenges me to the core. But...I push on.

Hugs guys...Dizzy x

[Doolhof]

Hi Dizzy and Everyone else reading this,

It is wonderful Dizzy that you were able to have the chat on the phone with your psych. I had a T.V. (teleconference)hook up with a psych once. It was a little weird but effective in a way as I strangely felt more freedom in what I could say to her.

Yes, we are all entitled to lousy moments and days.

Hope you are able to manage some of the positive self nurturing ideas. I know what tings will help me, I just don't always have the energy or the drive to do them.

Today I sat out in the sun for about an hour while the chooks were digging in the garden. My back was lousy with pain so I didn't do any gardening, but did enjoy watching the chooks and soaked up some vitamin D. My mind had a rest as did my body, so that was beneficial.

Hope you managed to sleep better tonight and have a peaceful day.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[blondguy]

Hey Dizzy Mrs Dools and Rob

Sounds like we are on the same rollercoaster ride....the downs are a pain

You are spot on...I type exactly whats in my mind..Bionic fingers 🙂 My last post took about 6 trys...PC crashed...cut & paste...etc etc...

When I said 'since I have been on the air' all I meant was 'since I started here on Jan 5 this year' or at the moment I am 'on the air'...(available on the forums so to speak)

Big Hugs

Paulxx

[Just Sara]

Thanks Paul and Mrs D;

OMG, chooks and sun...sounds amazing! I live in a cold climate where 10 degrees today will be a welcome achievement. No sun to speak of, but the house is open and airing, the birds are chirping and the traffic outside isn't bothering me. I have much to do to take me out of my head; I love this.

Paul you sweetie...love to hear from you (on the air) Sorry about your PC crash; bionic fingers and all. Keep up the good work! I read your thread on needing help with a friend. I was up typing here as you were obviously doing at the same time. Sorry I missed it. The posts you received were great; good luck with that issue.

I was triggered again with another thread last night, but not in a bad way. It made me think about the advice and info I was giving that maybe I needed to take on board myself. Isn't it ironic?

Anyway, have a great day all...Dizzy x

[white knight]

Hi dizzy

Self protection strategies don't come automatically for some particularly for those with cognitive deficiencies like me for example..

Eg in my early 20's I worked as a prison officer at a notorious jail. For 3 years I toiled with all those things that you find hard to handle. Then I left the job. Since then I've realised that watching shows like "chopper" (Mark chopper Read dec, I knew him) does not serve my emotions well.

There are things that occur in life regularly that frighten us that are out if our control. But there are things we don't have to do that can protect us.

On tour yesterday my wife and I went to Roebourne historic jail WA. I didn't go in for the reasons I described. This is wisdom from learning the hard way.

Wisdom not learned when young is chased for the rest of your life hence accept it or it might take hold and harm you by means of guilt or by repeated hurt from not learning the signs.

No easy feat. But we must keep trying.

Tony WK