TRAPPED in a stressful situation with NO easy answers

[DrewBot]

Hi,

I just joined this site with hopes that I can connect to others dealing with depression like I am. I have a history of depression and a few years ago, I attempted suicide. I was glad for quite a while that I was unsuccessful, but I find myself lately wishing that I would have died then. This post kind of jumps all over the place. I apologize. Its the best I can do right now.

Just to give a little back story, I am a transgender guy. I have been transitioned for a few years now and that helped immensely with my feelings of depression/

suicide. I am still happy regarding my transition. However, shortly after my transition, my family began to get sick. My dad has had several strokes and is now disabled. My mom has battled cancer 3 times and tries to take care of my dad. I will always be willing to care for them should the need arise. 

However, my brother has thrown a monkey wrench in everything!! He is a nice guy, but I remember numerous times hearing him curse people and wish

death on them.

For years, my wife and I told him that he needed to see a doctor because we were pretty sure he was diabetic and or had kidney/heart problems. He chose to ignore our concerns and not go see a doctor for the discoloration and swelling in his legs. He also continued to have a diet consisting mostly of fast food. He ended up having such bad kidney disease that he is now on dialysis.He has also lost most of his eyesight and has had toes amputated.

He has a long history of not paying his rent and I have no idea how he even still has his apartment! Even when he was working, he didn't pay all of his rent and has come to expect his landlord to just accept however much rent he has to pay her.

He also lost countless jobs by acting like an ass at work, which has no doubt allowed him to blame others for his actions.

Fast forward to early this year. He began having worsening issues with his eyesight and has since lost all sight in his left eye and most in his right. He expects us to come over to his apartment whenever he needs something and then complains the whole time about how lonely he is and how he has no one. He has also told several people that my wife hates him even though she has never done anything to him. She just chooses to not get involved with his drama.

I believe I should have a right to enjoy my life and not be responsible for him.

I feel trapped though. I just don' t know what to do. Wish I would have died when I tried before to end my life.........

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[Neil_1]

Hi Drewbot

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here and providing your post.

You can choose your friends, but you cannot choose your family members.  Or it goes something like that.  But family can and does play such a big role in so many people’s lives and more often than not, I’m finding it’s the difficulties and the bad parts that rise to the fore.  You sound like you’re doing it very tough at the moment and my main concern here is for you.

You sound like you’ve got a lovely, supportive wife – who would be devastated if she knew how you’re feeling about yourself at this time.  We need to help work with you to for the moment, get you over this awful stage.  Drewbot, at the top of each page on Beyond Blue there is the hotline number that can be phoned and this will put you in touch with one of the B.B. counsellors who’ll be able to talk to you and help you out when you’re feeling ultra low.  There is also an online chat option there that you can go to and get someone to post back and forth to you.  And you’ve also got Lifeline (131114) that is available.

We need to get you over this period and then we can begin to work on the issues that are really giving you major grief and trouble.

Have you a good GP that you can go too to initially discuss this situation?  If not, on this site, B.B. have a listing of GP’s and each of these GP’s are all skilled in dealing with mental health issues – and so would be best advised to then perhaps refer you on to a suitable psychologist and/or to possibly prescribe you with some anti-depressants as well.

I hope this post has helped you a little and please stay in touch with us.

[Phoenix76]

Hi Drew,

I am sorry you are feeling so trapped, I too have felt trapped in the past which eventually led me to having a nervous breakdown.

It is great to be there for your family, however not if it comes at the cost of your own happiness and freedom. You may need to get some counseling that can help you establish clear boundaries for your family and you.

You already did what you could for your brother when you pre warned him of the health concerns... be there for him to a degree, but he is NOT your responsibility.

There are support groups etc for people with kidney failure etc, to stop the feeling of isolation. There might also be help for your mum and dad.. if someone chronically ill, a Palliative care team can come into their lives and help with numerous care needs. Maybe you could look up the local Palliative care unit and ask about support for your folks.

Drew, you have already had to walk a very difficult path, it's time to live and love your own life with your wife! Set some clear firm boundaries for interactions with your family. You might be able to find some advice online about creating healthy boundaries... and start to enjoy your life!! You deserve it.. guilt free! 🙂