Today is not a good day

Girl_Anachronism · ‎12-01-2014

The past two days have been ok. I have alternated between a sober mood and a manic ones. I literally could not sit down two evenings ago. My mind would not stop racing. Thoughts chasing thoughts, around around my head. Yesterday afternoon, I couldn't stop laughing. Half the things weren't even funny. Last night there was some little comment or other- something incredibly petty and I was just suddenly so angry at my husband. It made no sense.

This morning I am torn between wanting to punch walls and cry in a corner.

If only I could control this. I don't necessarily want to jump off my rollercoaster ride but riight now I want to bash my hands against the safety railing. There's got to be something better than this awful state. There's got to be a way out.

I am not winning against the monsters in my head today. One of them has me swallowed whole and I don't know when he's going to spit me out.

GA

Girl_Anachronism · ‎14-01-2014

Hi back.

I am in an inbetween state at themoment, things started good but I don't know where they are going from here. I have to be happy tonight anyway, social engagements.

Time to find that happy mask I put on to keep people off my back. Let's hope it doesn't crumble before they get too drunk enough to notice. No alcohol for me because meds and all. I have never really felt the compulsions to drink much ( it's just not my thing) but it's times like this I consider giving it a go.

Maybe I'll just hide beneath the blankets until it is time for them to be here. It sounds like a worthwhile plan to.

If I am not active much on the forum today, that's why.

GA

Girl_Anachronism · ‎15-01-2014

Update:

Wednesday morning has come and I have slept 40 minutes the entire night.

So...freaking out a little. Last night was good once people were here and setting up the house gave me something to do. When everyone went to sleep, I couldn't even though I tried. Instead I spent hours moving from anxious to manic periods.

At the moment most of my head is running around going "Psych appointment oh god oh god oh god oh god" and the other half is a dog chasing itis tail and occasionally chasing whatever shiny toy I can throw at it. It doesn't last long though, soon that tail is the main focus again.

So that's me right now. I don't know how to sum this up or what else to say.

GA

Jo3 · ‎15-01-2014

Hi GA

You must be feeling so exhausted. I wish you well with your psych appt today, hope it goes well.

Thinking of you, sorry not much to write (I'm feeling fragile again)

Pls take care and hope you can get some more sleep tonight

Jo xx

Neil_1 · ‎15-01-2014

Hi GA

I’m pleased that your evening with friends went well. It’s amazing ain’t it … we get so churned up about the event, but then once it arrives, it tends to go off ok.

Absolute shite for you later on though … not fun at all when you have next to no sleep at night … cause the darkness always seems to make things heaps worse than what they are in the light of day.

Psych appointment … you kept leaving out an ‘o’ for each of those gods you were righting ... it should have been: “oh good oh good oh good, etc” 🙂

Hope you’ve got some points jotted down to take along with you, just in case you might forget something that you would like to raise.

Take care GA

Neil

Girl_Anachronism · ‎15-01-2014

Hi Neil,

It was a good night. I haven't laughed so hard. Literally laughed until my stomach hurt. I have more friends coming over tonight though it was as late a night hopefully. I also hope to get a nap in before I have to get ready.

You know I didn't leave out an 'o'. You also know I smiled at your comment. Damnit.

I said everytihng I needed, and through tears and pain I have some hope for the next week. She also chased up my referral and a vital piece of paperwork has now been found. I should expect a call today in regards to that. Which is of course, closer to should I be on meds (and which ones) and a diagnosis. Both of which are good things. I think.

I have been awake for 26 hours now and I don't feel bad. Tired yes, but my appointment was good and I have homework until my next one.

I don't think the monsters in my head like my psych very much. She is too good at her job for their liking. In my current mood, I say they can stuff it. They are just scared of her because they are losing a little grip, at least right now.

Words and thinking later, sleep and shower now.

Thankyou.

GA

P.S: I may have have to start yet another thread if Ipost again. Why? Because today WAS a good day.

sunshine_darkness · ‎15-01-2014

Hi GA

This is my first time here and your posts are the first I have read. I understand and feel similar to what you write.

Just reading about you and how you feel good one minute and a simple thing said from someone else can send you spiralling out of control in a heartbeat. My time since diagnosed has been very up and down. That is about a year. I always knew there was something wrong with me but just figured it must be normal. I saw one of the checklists on the internet once and decided to talk to my partner.

He laughed and said "yeah who hasn't felt like that before" So I shelved those thoughts of getting help for a few more years.

a bit over a year ago he finally came with me. He doesn't understand it and gets quite blunt when I try to talk about it sometimes. Meds have helped on and off and just in the last few months others have seen me and comment that I am so different. But when at home I am the same. I don't know how or why my partner stays on?! some fantastic days where I must be the person he used to love and then for weeks on end just dark and broody. Same things, he says or does something trivial and I flip my lid?! Cry, take it personal, scream, want to end it all?

So many emotions in the space of a short time. Meds have helped with my anxiety to some degree as I was very much like you in the no sleeping department and then felt it very hard to need or want to deal with socializing or day to day life.

Anyway, just a bit about me.

I hope your ok, and glad yours was a good day.

I look forward to checking in again for some support and understanding from others that know

I hope the sun stays shining for you 🙂

Jo3 · ‎15-01-2014

Hi GA,

I am glad that you were happy and laughing with your friends last night, hope you have a good night again tonight with your other friends.

I am glad that your psych session went well. I know too well what you mean about the monsters not liking your psych. Mine don't like my psych at times either and that's when i get very angry with him and he knows it.

Take care GA, talk soon

Jo

Neil_1 · ‎16-01-2014

Hi GA

I loved that line, “I don’t think the monsters in my head like my psych very much”. 🙂 That’s really good to hear. 🙂

I sure hope that you’ve been able to catch up on some sleep … and that you’ve got some freshly charged batteries on board.

Absolute ripper to hear that your day was a GOOD one. That’s awesome.

Cheers

Neil

Girl_Anachronism · ‎16-01-2014

Hi Sunshine,

Welcome to the forums. 🙂

For all that it might feel like hell going through this, I am grateful that my husband is understanding and supporting me through this. It also feels so unfair when my moods change at a simple word. It doesn't feel fair on him that he should have to go through this. He tells me he wouldn't be here if he didn't want to though. He wants to help me through this.

I can't help but feel for all that it is a difficult time for you and your partner, he wouldn't be there beside you, a year on unless he also wanted to help you get better. He obviously cares for you and is trying. So many times I read of people who just don't know the right thing to do to help people like us. They care, they just don't know how to help. That's what organisations like BB are for, I guess, to spread the word.

Everything is alot easier to deal with if I have sleep, even if it's just a few hours like I got last night.

Take care,

GA