Tired of my self destructive nature...

[Double_Trouble]

I never thought I would join a forum to share my deepest thoughts and darkest truths but this really is my last hope at trying to save myself. I don't want to make this all about my history, like many my childhood was far from wonderful and I have no doubt that it was the early years of my life that set me up to be what I am today.  I am now middle aged and lead a completely double life.  I do all the standard acting, smile when you should, say the right thing, be supportive and caring, be the go to person for everyone else, the strong, reliable, responsible one who helps anyone with what ever is needed.  I am constantly aware of my behaviour, body language, speech and reactions so that I always come across as how I want and NEED to be perceived.  The reality is though that I am falling apart inside, everything in my world is a struggle but never will I talk of this, not to my husband, adult children, family or friends (I don't really have friends, never let anyone get that close to me).  I spend my life supporting everyone around me and making sure they are all happy and well taken care of so for me it would feel like an incredible weakness to share my problems with them.   Honestly, they wouldn't understand, they would be totally judgemental and no doubt quite angry about some things.  Which also wouldn't work for me given I hate confrontation.  During the last 40 yrs I have done therapy, spent time in a psychiatric hospital and taken the medications. The therapy and meds still continue but are no longer enough to get me through.  I have completely ruined my life and those closest to me, my life is one big lie, my husband has no idea of the person he is married to, my children have no idea of what I am,  knowing will serve no purpose so that part of me I have been successful in changing but it's the other things I need help with.  Behind closed doors i am always in a state of depression and quite suicidal, I feel like my world is closing in on me but I can't share this with anyone not even my therapist.  I feel like a total failure and am so so tired.  The other thing is that I have financially ruined us over all these years.  We have lost our home, have debt galore and are now heading into crisis mode but still no one knows as I can't stop the need to protect them from sadness at all cost.  So what do I do from here, my own thoughts are just too irrational so I have turned to you all for some advice 🙂

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[Meep01]

Hi,

I can't offer a lot of advice, because I am in the same boat as you. I guess instead I can offer you some comfort in the fact that your not alone in how you feel, and that somebody has heard you and they care.

I can't completely relate to your post because I have only just become an adult, but I have a feeling you might have felt the exact same way as I do when you were my age. I have literally just signed up to the forum aswell, to post about how I feel I cannot seek help because there is too much to lose, or that people won't understand how I am feeling. When there is a quiet moment, and I sit down, everything starts spinning and I see lights at the corner of my eye. I just want to break down into tears, and if I'm alone I will. I can't sleep, and I can't eat properly. The worst part though is having to act like your okay, smiling, making jokes, looking nice. People start thinking that you have recovered, and you don't want to tell them the truth. It would be such a relief to fall apart in the middle of the lounge room and yell 'I can't do it, make it stop'. In my mind everybody would wisk me off into a beautiful hotel room, where I can sleep and eat for weeks and I would have no committments, there would be no consequences. I look at therapy programs and think that maybe I too would like to do that, that maybe that's what I need. But then I remember that I can't afford it, and I would need to quit my job to go. I just want somebody to take away all the pressure, to tuck me into bed and tell me that they will sort out everything. Or maybe just to have somebody say "it's okay that you feel this way, and I still love you". But instead I set my alarm, I wake up early, go to work, and then cry myself to sleep at the end of the day. I'm not sure how much longer I can keep going.

So instead of giving advice that I wouldn't follow myself, I will figurativey create us a dark room  and et's climb into it and talk together, we can figure out a way that we can both get help. We have done it before, and we will unfortunately we need to do it again. Then again. We need to keep getting help until we recover fully.

I think we have alot in common, and that there is many causes to the way that we feel. At least in that way, we are not alone. And when we're not alone, there's hope.

[Double_Trouble]

Dear Meep01

You are so right, we do have alot in common.  I read your post and immediately related to so much of what you had written, it felt as though you were expressing my own life long thoughts and feelings.  You may be young but you are blessed with the gift of being able to express yourself through the written word and that will be something that will help you with your journey. Thank you so much for responding, your visualisation of our dark room brought back a memory that my own therapist would use to help me open up and talk, something I had long forgotten but made me feel safe and that is the exact feeling I had when I read your comment.  It is nice to know that someone is out there that shares similar thoughts as I do.  How many times have I wanted to shout at those close to me that I am the one that needs help, that I can't do any of this anymore, I want it all to just stop, but I never do because I have to be in control at all times.  What I long for is to be a child again that is loved and protected and to be wrapped in a cocoon so I can take the time to heal but I know in my heart that this will never happen. This is why it gets so hard to just keep trying day after day, hoping that life will get easier because I don't feel as if it ever will, I have lost faith in ever being able to live a normal happy life so now I am just existing.  Reading your post has at least brought me the comfort of knowing I am not really alone, you sparked my imagination again by creating the dark room so when I feel at my worst I will escape there and we can talk.  

Now if I may just give you a small word of advice, keep crying, cry whenever you feel the need, lock yourself away in the shower or even the toilet if need be. Tears do help you cleanse and it is when you stop crying the pain turns inward and you self destruct. I have not shed a tear for any reason in probably 30 years, one day I just stopped crying because I thought it would be better for me to toughen up.  I was so wrong, my tears turned inward and made me so full of ugly emotions that my life became more unbearable.  And if you don't already have one then treat yourself to the most gorgeous, lovable, cuddly soft toy imaginable.  Use this to cry with,  to talk to, to hug when you need one in return.  Most of all though, be kind to yourself because it is ok for you to feel this way and whenever you need a friend then I will be waiting in the dark room because you also are no longer alone 🙂

[MamaT]

I have just signed up to this site and browsing through the threads found yours I never thought I would findvpeople that are feeling the same as me. I am also in my mature years but I guess being honest with myself like you have hidden from my loved ones what I am going through. They found out last Oct when I attempted to take my own life, for some unknown reason my oldest daughter at 11pm decided she needed to call me and because I did not answer alerted family who lived at home who found me unconcious. I struggle still most days with my depression but I like you need to carry on with life and put on a brave happy face. Despite my family knowing what happened and giving me their suppirt I still feel very fragile and alone. I hate to trouble them with my problems when they need me to be strong and run the house and work fulltime. I too wish I was a child again back in my parents protective arms. I tried a psychologist but I am not one to talk and open up, guess in a way I am my own worst enemy. It is nice to know that I am not alone in how I feel. I hope that you can let your family in and give them the opportunity to help and try to understand what you are going through.