Tired and confused, just need to let it out..

[mdln_00]

The past two years have been really difficult lately, as I'm sure it was for everyone during lockdowns. I started to develop insomnia mid last year and became worse as time went on. However the first half of this year was a bit better but now it has come back and I'm so frustrated as I just want to sleep. I'm not sure if I have depression as it has not been diagnosed and I don't want to self diagnose myself. However the way I feel the past couple years sure feel depressing to say the least. Especially this year I'm in this constant state of tiredness no matter how much sleep I get, hopelessness, and just feeling like a shell walking around.

I just want to disappear tbh, not necessarily that I want to die, but that I don't want to exist in the first place to not have any presence in the world. And tbh, it frustrates me that deleting my existence is not an option. I have spoken to a few people about how I feel but never as deep as I actually feel. I have considered seeking professional help but I'm not sure how to start, and my parents would not support me in doing so as well... Anyways just thought I'd try to say my thoughts here and see how it goes... 

[geoff]

Hello mdln_00, generally people know if this feeling persists but can be afraid to diagnose themselves, because they aren't sure what else they may find.

Even if your parents don't support you getting any help, it's imperative you at least know some ansers to questions you keep asking yourself.

Remember you can ask your doctor for a 'mental health plan' this allows you to 20 sessions with a psych that Medicare pay for, so you aren't out of pocket.

Different people can offer all sorts of advice where try and convince you that there is nothing wrong, but only you can tell, so book an appointment with your doctor, I know this time of the year is chaotic, but you mustn't give up and if you need to visit another doctor, then so be it.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[OgresHaveLayers]

Mdln-00 

Sometimes it is really difficult to figure out we are not doing too great, but if you know, you know. I agree with Geoff, you should definitely seek help. Even if your family are not supportive in the beginning they might come around once they see you feeling better. Plus, you can always come here and chat to people, I have found it really helpful. I got diagnosed with depression at the beginning of November, put on antidepressants and referred to a psychologist under the plan Geoff mentioned (worth noting here the government last week took away 10 of those sessions, 10 is what is covered now ☹️) if you are unable to find any psychologists available in your area, try Remote Therapy, open to anyone in rural Australia, via zoom.

If you don't feel comfortable seeing your family doctor, you can always see someone else. Even contact Beyond Blue, I did that too to get over a particular slump during my depression and they were able to give me enough advice to get through.

There are people out there whose life's goal is to help people like us feel better. Make the most of them. They are wonderful people.

Cheers,

OgresHaveLayers

[yggdrasil]

Hi mdln_00,

Thank you so much for posting on here! It's a very difficult but brave step to take. It is confronting at first, but you can eventually find support people, routines, and other strategies to start feeling better.

As the others have mentioned, talking to your GP is a good place to start - you needn't disclose to your parents you're visiting your GP if you aren't comfortable. 

Your GP will be able to set up a "mental health care plan" which gives you access to 20 sessions per year with a psychologist or social worker of your choice. It's all completely confidential and you don't have to share any of this with family if you don't want to.

There are also other supports that can supplement formal therapy/counselling. Peer support groups for depression can be helpful. I attended these myself for years. They really helped me feel less alone on an emotional level. Meditation groups or spiritual groups may also be helpful for the "wanting to disappear" feeling you're describing. 

I hope the xmas period isn't overly difficult for you - feel free to tell us more about how you're managing.

yggdrasil